All the pieces are finally falling together. Coutinho’s transfer request was sent in by email. Email – a significant vector for web-based fraud. Another online fraud vector – fake news (not this news though, this is the news that isn’t fake: it’s the real news, or just the news for short). Fake news is big business, especially in Macedonia. Why else has Macedonia been in the (real) news recently? The European Super Cup. What stadium was it played in? The Philip II National Arena (also home to the mighty FK Vardar). What’s Coutinho’s first name? Philippe. Now I admit it’s not yet clear precisely who is a lizard hidden in an elaborately-constructed suit of human flesh, but I’ll bet you a whole lot of money (which doesn’t actually have any inherent value – get this, it’s basically just paper with writing on it!) that two of them are Philippe Coutinho and Philip II, king of Macedon.
It’s just like my cousin Vinnie predicted. Way back when, Vinnie used to live out in Mexico on the Yucatán peninsula. He got pretty into his hallucinogenics out there and after one particularly wild ride on the ayahuasca he wrote some weird manuscripts called the Chilam Bilam. Now his Yucatec was always a lot sharper than mine so I never did get round to reading it, but considering how important this transfer saga is in footballing and astrological terms I can only think that the entire work was centred around this. Anyway there’s lots more to the theory so if you want the rest of it I’ll be wandering around various parks at night talking about it out loud, feel free to follow a few feet behind.