Are there honestly 46 new Transformers in the movie?
I have no fecking clue. It's impossible to tell most of them apart except for Optimus and the Racist Twins (there's another yellow Autobot who I constantly thought was Bumblebee). There could be 46, or there could be 12. I honestly would believe 12 if someone had said that.
What is the status of the Transformers at the beginning of the film?
The Autobots have joined the military to hunt down the Decepticons. We're told the Decepticons are "doing things," but they appear to be hiding peacefully when the Autobots show up and brutally murder them.
What?
Yeah. The Decepticons aren't apparently doing anything, then the Autobots show up, the Decepticons run for their goddamn lives, and the Autobots hunt them down and brutally murder them. It's kind of weird.
Why is the U.S. military helping them?
Supposedly to help keep the Transformers a secret from the public. Although since the climax of the last film was a massive firefight involving 50-foot robots and took place over five miles of downtown Los Angeles and the beginning of this film wrecks several miles of Shanghai, China, they seem to be incredibly shitty at their job.
How does the U.S. military help them?
Well, not at all, actually. They just kind of come along with guns and stuff, and act like they're going to help, but the Autobots do all the work.
Why is the U.S. military in this movie at all, then?
Because Michael Bay has a huge erection for jets and tanks and aircraft carriers and considers giant robots only a necessary evil for the film. At least 15 full minutes of the film's 150-minute run time is nothing but footage of jets and tanks and planes without any robots or actual action whatsoever.
How is Sam Witwicky dragged back into the fight?
Well, he finds a fragment of the Allspark shard. You know, the Allspark that he spent all last movie being told he shouldn't give to Megatron, but when he gave it to Megatron, it killed Megatron. That one. Anyways, the shard makes the Beef see symbols and act like more of an spaz than usual.
So the Decepticons want the shard? Why?
Uh... to bring Megatron back to life?
What?
That's what they said.
But the Allspark killed Megatron in the first movie.
Yes.
...and now it can also bring him back to life.
It's very powerful, this Allspark.
Uh-huh. So what's their plan to get it?
They send a small R/C car who talks like Joe Pesci in Casino to get it.
Shouldn't they have sent Starscream or somebody?
Look, there's another Allspark shard and get that one anyways, so it doesn't matter.
Well, then why do they give a feck about Sam?
The symbols. In his head. That the shard of the Allspark gave him.
They weren't in the other shard?
Apparently not.
So how do the Decepticons plan to get the symbols, I guess?
Well, the Decepticons have very cunningly created a hot chick robot who they enrolled in the same college and put in the same astronomy class as Sam. And they made her a huge slut.
Wait.
Waiting.
There's a slutty Decepticon?
Yeah, she's a real ho. The Decepticons apparently have an incredibly powerful slut-making program, because she has it down, man. Anyways--
Didn't Sam touch the shard and get the symbols stuck in his head on his first day of college?
Yes.
So the Decepticons made a slutty robot to attend his college and enrolled her in classes and put her in on-campus housing just in case Sam ended up being important at some point in the future?
Apparently. It was an elaborate plan, but it sure paid off.
How so?
Well, not at all. The slut-bot made out with him for a little bit then immediately tried to kill him, neither for any apparent motive or gain.
It sounds preposterous.
Doesn't matter, because the Decepticons use the shard piece they do have to resurrect Megatron! He's back! Ooo! Scary!
Why is this scary? All he wanted was the Allspark, and now it's gone.
...because he has a boss! He's called the Fallen, because he's so evil! He has an evil plan to use a machine on Earth to blow up the sun and make energon! Or something! It's not very clear.
Now you're just making shit up as you go along, aren't you?
Best not to think too much about it. Anyways, the symbols in the Beef's head are a map to where this machine exists, so the hunt is on and Sam shortly is captured by other, less slutty Decepticons in one of the many instances where Bumblebee inexplicably abandons the Beef so he can conveniently be in trouble.
Then a robot called the Doctor who speaks gibberish with a German accent shoves things up Shia's nose and gets the symbols.
That's that, then, right? The Decepticons win?
No! Because Optimus Prime saves Sam before they cut off his head, which has another treasure inside!
Really? What is that?
No one really bothers to explain this, actually. Suffice to say, the Decepticons continue to want Sam. Oh, then Optimus Prime fights three Decepticons at once and dies.
Where the hell were the other Autobots during this fight?
I don't know. They were with him before the fight, but then they disappear and show up right after he dies. But they appear sad about Optimus dying. Marginally. I mean, they don't get any screen time or dialogue to convey any feelings or anything, but there's some sad music playing for a little bit afterwards. I assume this means the robots that are off-screen are grieving.
Well, if one shard brought Megatron back to life, can't Sam just use his shard piece to resurrect Optimus?
Yes. He could.
...
...
Well?
He doesn't.
Why not?
I'm not sure exactly.
Then what the hell does he do?
He decides get those symbols that were in his head translated to figure out what the Fallen's up to.
Which Autobot does the translating?
Err... none of them. Actually, it's John Turturro.
What. The feck?
Yeah, since he was laid off from his super-secret government agent job, he now works in a NY deli and runs a super-popular Transformers conspiracy theory website. Like ya do.
And why couldn't an Autobot translate these symbols?
Because Bumblebee is mute and the Racist Twins are poor black robots from the slums of Cybertron who never learned how to read. It's a sad commentary on Cybertronian society. Like The Wire, actually.
Where the hell are the other Autobots?
I don't know. Away. They seem to be unable to be reached. They're probably grieving about Optimnus still. Clearly, John Turturro is the reasonable solution here.
So Turturro translates the symbols.
No, that would be silly. He does, in an incredibly bizarre series of connect-the-dots, lead them to Jetfire, an elderly and deceased Transformers whose corpse is hanging out in the Air & Space Museum.
What good is he dead?!
Ah! Remember the shard? Sam uses it to bring Jetfire back to life!
Not Optimus?
No! This way, Sam can get the symbols translated... so he can, er... find the ancient machine... that can, uh... possibly bring Optimus back to life.
You have to fecking be kidding me.
I've been reading all his posts thinking they were yours. Thought your tone had changed, just figured it was a mid-life crisis.