Match Preview:
Manchester City v Liverpool Football Club™ (and Anfield)
A mud-stained carrier bag, discarded by a tramp.
Your granddad's sandwich box.
An abandoned aircraft hangar.
Space.
The Etihad.
All these these things have no atmosphere. They stand in shabby contrast to the Cistern Chapel of football known as 'Antfield'. But, just like Jason and the Astronauts, tonight our valiant warriors must alight upon strange and desolate territory in order to bring the Golden Spread home. "Remember Anfield!" said Napoleon in the Pyramids; so the prophecies have.
Foretold.
Yes, f*ck tonight's match - let's talk about the magical, mystical, mythical, sacred and special European nights at Anfield. I'm not going to bore you all with the usual clichéd Anfield memories of Gerrard's 90-yard shot which sank the mighty Panathanathanathakos or the legendary Souness goal against FC Pogba of France; no, I'm going to humbly suggest that no other nights in history have ever been as chuffin' great as Anfield nights. Here's some historic Anfield slides I made while waiting for a letter from my wife's lawyers; crank up the projector, son. Son? Right, I'll have to do it meself...:
'Pathé News presents - European Cup football: Liverpool versus AFC Brontosaurus Rex of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, 1903'. Just look at the fabled swaying ranks of the Kop - literally millions of people from around the world had literally flocked onto the famous Anfield's hallowed literal terraces. And all were made welcome regardless of creed, colour, haircut and trousers...unless you were young or foreign, in which case you could piss right off.
Some say that Liverpool had it easy in the days before the Champions League, that our opponents were mere postmen and part-time prostitutes, that this 'ease' can explain why our storied club has won FIFE European Cups; but I say to those (manc) cynics: "Get f*cked." And also: just look at the technically-advanced formation AFC Brontosaurus employed, under the guidance of revolutionary coach Lazlo Trotsky: 0-0-0-0 - you wouldn't see formations like that for another thirty years; in fact, you wouldn't see it in 1903 either, 'cos there was no telly and Bronto folded before they played a match. But that's not the point - Liverpool did NOT have it easy in Europe. And though the challenge was very, very hard, the massed communal choir of the Kop sucked...the ball into the net...unless Lovren was in defence, in which case we blew like f*ck.
So, there you have it, admirers of Antfield across the globe: Liverpool Football Club suck and blow. No other club does this, except perhaps Manchester City. My big-match prediction: City - 0, Liverpool - A Lot.
