Liverpool Football Club are delighted to announce the sale of Raheem Sterling to Manchester City. With a host of individual honours such as Teen Choice Haircut of the Year, the young England lion takes his place amongst the ranks of Liverpool nearly-legends who were too bloody good for the club.
Raheem: "I'm very pleased to be joining this week's Biggest Club in the World™. I look forward to the club winning many trophies; or, failing that, buying them." "And I'm looking forward to buying a big f*ck-off yacht made of diamonds," said Raheem's agent Burt Asbo.
FSG owner John Henry spoke to us via the wonders of transatlantic telephony while lighting a 6-foot-long cigar to celebrate Raheem's departure to pastures new and successful: "This remarkable sale is a further example of our commitment to selling our best players and then using the money to buy any old shit. With the new Lego stadium due to be finished in season 3069, Liverpool customers can look back on a bright future. Rest assured, we'll be looking to invest heavily into flogging this pile of crap club ASAP. Is this thing still on? Whaddya mean 'It's a telephone'? I ordered a microphone. Dumbasses everywhere..."