José Mourinho to replace God
Ex-Chelsea manager José Mourinho has revealed that he has been offered the position of God and intends to start in the New Year.
“It is a big honour for me,” said the prickly Portuguese, “but it's a bigger honour for the whole of mankind to have the Special One in charge. I hope to return the human race to former glories.”
Mourinho had been linked with the position of God ever since God resigned following a disappointing 4.5 billion years in charge that saw countless wars, devastating famines, natural disasters, itchy jumpers, and the Transformers film franchise – particularly the second one.
Whilst he won’t be in charge for what is traditionally a tricky Christmas period, Mr Mourinho is expected to be watching closely how the human race performs with a view to making any changes in the New Year. The news has largely been greeted warmly by fans of the human race.
“Well, it’s a new boss for me, which will be a challenge,” said Pope Francis in response to the appointment, “but I’m excited to see what a younger man can do, and he’ll certainly have my full support with whatever ideas he tries to introduce.”
Mr Mourinho is expected to do pretty well for a few years and then fall out with the whole of humanity and be replaced by Carlo Ancelotti.
(NewsThump)