On Thursday afternoon, in Washington D.C., Paul Ryan, 45, entered his place of work in a murderous frenzy, killing thousands and injuring millions more, before he was finally stopped by the Senate.
Based on a manifesto he posted to the internet the evening before his assault, it is believed he was specifically targeting women, poor people, and people of color. A deeper dive into his public profile and social media shows a checkered past. He has expressed sexist, classist, and racist leanings for many years, although people close to Ryan say they did not expect him to act on them so effectively. Clearly a deeply troubled man, he has alternately blamed his actions on President Obama, President Trump, and God. Sources indicate he may be at least partially behind a conspiracy theory, widely circulated in certain circles, that the government has been secretly attempting to gain control of the wealth and guns of elderly Caucasian men, before castrating them.