Fading Gigolo - John Turtorro directs John Turtorro in a role written by John Turtorro, for John Turtorro, where John Turtorro plays a brooding, handsome, laconic, irresistibly cool and impecably dressed ladies man who's prone to quoting profound italian idioms for no apparent reason to the admiring swoons of Sharon Stone, Vanessa Paradis in a wig, and that MILF from Modern Family who is constantly on heat. The plot sees John Turtorro (for it is he) slide half heartedly into part time work as a mature gigolo, catering exclusively to beautiful, lythe, glamorous women (you know, the usual type who pay for sex) only one of whom is ever seen in more than 15cm of clothing. It goes without saying that John Turturro (or the character John Turturro wrote for John Turturro) is fantastic at sex. They all fall in love with him, and two of them even want a menage a tois. He's that good. He is John Turturro. These fantastically glamorous women have little real purpose other than to swoon over, flirt and simulate sex with John Turtorro at regular intervals, but in lieu of any chance at a Bechdel Test pass, they do at least look very good. For this, and indeed their casting, we can presumably thank the director, John Turturro.
When an actor who isn't Orson Wells writes and directs a film that isn't Rocky for himself to star in, there's a high chance it'll be terrible and hateful. This valiantly manages to merely be incredibly boring and a bit insulting, but still falls three avocados short of an amusingly bad pretentious picnic. Also it's a comedy, but it definitely isn't. John Turturro does randomly quote profound italian idioms for no apparent reason (see above) but that isn't intended as an amusing self aware character quirk, which you may reasonably expect from a comedy. No. This is played completely straight. For he is profound. And brooding. And intense. And great at sex. And all those other traits that leading men in quirky indy comedies are known for. Often he says something like "There is no love without pain" whilst trying to woo a celibate orthadox widow over cabbage in a dingy flat. You may think this has ripe potential for comedy? Perhaps. John Turturro doesn't.
There's also an odd sub-plot about Jews that manages to be both too offensive and not offensive enough all in one go, and concludes in a way that makes no sense, and is a bit sinister. Also Woody Allen plays a pimp, which is the funniest idea in the whole thing, but is completely unexplored. His biggest contribution is the first scene, which crucially requires him to lavish a long paragraph of praise on John Turturro for (amongst other things) his off kilter handsomeness, musclar fitness, all round animal magnatism and frequent success with women, while John Turturro broods and looks intense. Again, this film was written by John Turturro.
Only really worth a look if you're an insomniac or John Turturro's psychiatrist. 4
Boyhood - Interesting. Worth making. Well acted. Admirably uncliched. Pretty boring. Too long. Will never want to watch any of it again. 7/8/8.5/6? I've no idea.
Hercules (The one with The Rock in it) - The Rock plays Hercules in a film called Hercules, that isn't about the Hercules myth at all. Admirably, and against the tide, it tries valiantly to be a slightly better and more serious movie than a film about Hercules starring The Rock ever requires to be. It fails. Obviously. But not without a fight.
It starts well, aiming for what I imagine the writers thought was a "Nolan-esque" take on Hercules, which almost sort of works, a bit, but the diologue's far too cheesy, and everyone looks like they're blocking for an expensive gay porn film. With generous benefit of doubt given, there's a couple of quite neat ideas in there about the Herculean legend. However half way through it was clearly re-written by executives during a brainstorming coke lunch, and thus descendeds inevitably into the dumb testosterone filled oily wrestling mess it was always destined to be. Full marks for trying though boys - 6
