I dont like mine, do it again
poster origins
- Thread starter rimaldo
- Start date
- Status
You should summarize them all on the first post.
I had no idea you were so brilliant. 
This is obviously heading for the classics.
This is obviously heading for the classics.
livvie - egyptian for "beautiful cat maniac" livvie spends most of her time in self appointed exile, away from the world of man and the sexist society she grew up in and hated. although beautiful she cannot stand the touch of a man and much prefers the comfort and companionship of her feline slaves. scientists estimate livvie to share her humble abode with "anywhere between 14 and 16 cats” dr. feline fine had this to say “we've done a hell of a lot of complex scientific experiments. experiments such as creeping up to a window and counting and from this we’ve concluded there to be between 14 and 16 cats. this was a mean average of the three scientists that took the experiment" the full results from this ground breaking scientific research can be seen in this month’s edition of “science weekly”. some say she comes out of her house once a month to stock up on kit-e-kat. the only food she and her cats will eat. some say she takes her cats with her to the supermarket in a washing basket and uses them as rudimentary missiles, aimed at the annoying people that just stand in the middle of aisles blocking it for everyone. you know the types? infuriating. some say she bathes in the cats and thames water claim no running water has been supplied to the house since 1806. livvie. cat loving hermit.
smashedhombre - mexican for "love making in male siblings crevice" born in the green valleys of wales in a farming district, smashed grew up listening to tom jones. up until the age of 18 smashed only knew a small portion of the english tongue. he knew all the words to bread of heaven and no others. he was a large child as he repeatedly sang "feed me til i want no more" to his doting parents and they lovingly obliged. as an only child smashed found it difficult to deal with his desire to mate with a brother. oh how he longed for a brother. he kept all his old clothes as hand-me-downs, even though he had no one to pass them on to. he'd set monopoly up in his bedroom for two people. he'd roll the dice for his go then wait silently for hours for his brother to make a move. a move that never came. a solution was needed to his problem. a solution that was eventually found. his garden backed on to a field of sheep, sheep stretched out for as far as the eye could see. smashed's eyes glistened with menace as he thought of his master plan. he could dress the sheep up in his hand-me-down clothes. he could dress them up then slowly undress them and fulfil his desire of brother loving. over time he grew to love each one of them, violently and mercilessly. sheep. good for loving like a brother, rubbish at playing monopoly though. smashed. brother loving sheep botherer.
i_live_cement - covent garden street entertainer. for many years now i_live_cement has lived the life of cement, quite literally. for he is a "street artist" in covent garden. a juggler perhaps? a fire breather? mime artist? no, he's a human statue. a human statue with the ability to stand completely still for anywhere up to 5 seconds. 5 seconds being his record that he once claimed to reach when no one was looking. an ode to adonis, every morning he gets undressed and covers himself in silver paint before heading into town on the tube. i_live_cement had always dreamt of being a living statue, he'd always wished to do it for a living. wobbling about in the capital wasn't the way he'd planned it though. he wanted to be a children's entertainer. he finally got his one and only chance as a favour to a friend who was unexpectedly let down on the day of his son's birthday. the police soon arrived. for the life of him i_live_cement couldn't work out just what was so inappropriate about standing naked in a room of small children declaring "go on, touch me and push me all you want, i won't move, i'm a statue" he never worked with children again. his restraining order forbade it. i_live_cement. posh tramp.
golden_blunder - a sick man with a twisted profession. a penchant for the dark art of urinating on others for sexual gratification. golden_blunder saw himself as some sort of anti-batman. a despicable crime lord who roamed the streets at night, seeking for the meek and mild, looking for victims to urinate on. tramps were his favourite. tucked up and asleep in a white lightening induced coma they already smelt of piss and were unawares of the vile deed that was befalling them. although a lot of his victims were easy prey, golden_blunder was never too good at golden showers and often "blundered" when administering his golden nectar all over his victim. at times he couldn’t get his crude costume made of used sanitary towels and tesco carrier bags down quickly enough and ended up wetting himself more than his victim. sometimes he missed his target altogether. his small member was difficult to weild and aim easily. sometimes he forced his wee a little too hard and ended up doing a little poo due to a well used rusty sheriffs badge and had to traipse home, waddling all the way to avoid smearing his nugget all over his cheeks. some say you can hear him in the dead of night, squelching past your window. others that his piss is used as the key ingredient in carling and fosters. golden_blunder, golden shower amateur enthusiast with a lot to learn.
attempt II has been completed.
the house of redcafe
smurf is there, he died on the loo,
reddome’s bald, he’s balding there too.
the doc is sulking, seeking the moose,
twisted_woody’s there, member in noose.
uae is wandering, no need for food or water,
spoony too, loving his mum’s daughter.
merman armed with bat made of wood,
top’s present too, his photoshops’ good.
eypoppers eyes pop out in wonder,
the rain of urine, coming from blunder.
espada is there, violating his mother,
smashed is found too, humping his brother.
the flying fox, lurking, rummaging through bins,
moses lived and died there, died for our sins.
girish is there, a queer, dangerously gay,
the flying potato, seeking his prey.
boothy’s there too, his mum is a stripper,
spammy’s scrounging there also, alas, a dipper.
raven_blade is at hand, counting his crows,
theredflag is there, panty liners for clothes.
sparky is there, he’s gay and so slow,
noodle too, complete with noodly ‘fro.
fishfingers is around, his hands smell of fish,
decotron also, being a robot, his wish.
godlovesunited, preaching of race,
redkinght too, acne cover’s his face.
adzzutd's present, he sleeps with the dead,
solvista too, a goat he will wed.
mum is found, so kind, caring and mild,
the law of denis advocating the love of a child.
the red baron’s waiting, fluffing his wang,
ukbob too, he’s old but part of the gang.
rowem has found it, the green little toad,
mexos there too, not shooting his load.
101 too, deluded, a spy,
nani nana, a child ove' his thigh.
maddogg too, a bounty he seeks,
brad too, socks rolled up, betwixt his cheeks.
marcosdeto, oranges his thing,
pogue mahone too, both ways he does swing.
livvie is there, covered in cat hair,
lewstherin too, he’s hitler’s heir.
there’s many people found on this glorious site,
each one retarded, on society, a blight.
You missed me out.
Are you questioning my hygiene regime, Rimaldo?
I'm hoping there aren't veiled comparisons there between me and Susan Boyle.
Are you questioning my hygiene regime, Rimaldo?
I'm hoping there aren't veiled comparisons there between me and Susan Boyle.
of course not. there's nothing better than washing away the day in a bath of cats. probably.
no, god no. if i was making a comparison between you and susan boyle my head would soon be filled of thoughts of the scottish beauty and i wouldn't be able to finish it without....oh go no it's happened again.
where's mine ?
kouroux - the ruler of a little known town in french guinea in south america. with a mere population of three people, some chickens, two sheep and a trumpet, koroux reigns over all he surveys. since coming to power during a daring coup on the town hall in the late 1990's when the current leader was on the toiler, koroux has seen testing times come and go. there was the great chicken feed shortage of '02 that went down in the history books as the worst single disaster in the history of history. this was ended when it was discovered the grain had been put in the back of the shed rather than the front of it. crisis over and death narrowly avoided. many a change has happened during the reign of kouroux. many policies and legislation changes have been passed under koroux’s governorship. some have been heralded by the people. such as free hats for all. some less popular like the penis tax. every man ruled by him must pay a penis tax twice a month. a tax where they have to go and stick their member through a hole in the public toilets and have it cleaned by koroux himself.
Cheers rimaldo, I like my story very much
I think I'll quit whilst I'm behind....
i have never met you or seen a picture of you livvie but i think i can quite comfortably say you're prettier than susan boyle. no need to thank me. with compliments like that it's little wonder i'm swimming in women.
You're fine, Rimaldo. And I'm sure you're prettier than Susan Boyle too.Great thread. I'm only teasing you.
Great thread. I'm only teasing you.
yep. yeah i'm definitely prettier than her.......
thanks. much appreciated.
Nicely done.rimaldo - some say his anus was constructed from the gossamer silk wings of pre-pubescent butterflies, some say it bears the strength of a dozen buffalo hides but all agree it carries the sweet smell of 3 in 1 with a strong undercurrent of sunday roast. he was born into a small portuguese farming community in the mid 1920's, the product of a poor impoverished weaverwoman and a well hung pack mule. as a child he would strengthen his anal cavity with a meticulous regime of conical bobbin exercises, his dedication would lead him to stretching and probing his limits until long after dark when lesser shuttle scuttlers had long since retired licking each others wounds. rimaldo had a dream that one day he would be the best shuttle scuttler in the world but unfortunately this ended in 1945 working for hitler after an unfortunate incident miscalculating the girth of a V2 rocket. all was not lost though when at the age of 53 he became the proud owner of the world's first anal transplant pioneered by christiaan barnard, terry christian and 80's pop soul band the chri .. fine young cannibals, using recycled innertubes, an umbrella and a block of atora suet. in his latter years rimaldo is to be found posting on a well known internet football forum wearing only figure hugging lycra cycle shorts, but often naked with a flower behind his ear, grooming potential successors to his rectal regality.
how could i have missed this? very amusing
Who's aldo then rimaldo?
And what about me?
And what about me?
Wonderful thread this, rimaldo is very, imaginative.
Rimaldo is there any chance you could be tempted into doing a version of this for United's first team squad???
Just seen this! Good stuff. I'd be honered if you could immortalise me please.
that sounds quite a bit of fun actually. i have started work on this and will post them up as they are done.
player origins
edwin van der sar – goalkeeper and tough guy. born in the ghettos of voorhout, van der sar was never going to have an easy upbringing. the sound of clogs ricocheting off walls filled the air as he lay awake at night, the vile stench of tulips stifling his every breath. he lost many a homie to tragic windmill accidents and soon turned to martial arts to protect him and his family from the red light districts of seedy amsterdam. what started out as a form of self defence soon turned to profession. martial arts came naturally to him so illegal back alley combat soon found its way into his heart. it was at one such fight van der sar got his big break. hollywood director jan van der transit was over in voorhout, a well known veritable hot bed of hollywood a-listers, to witness one such bout. he was seeking the new bruce lee. the original bruce lee was yet to be discovered. van der sar wowed him with pirouettes and spinney heel kicks, all whilst wearing a leotard, and boy could he move. the straight to vhs movies tumbled in for van der sar. classics such as bloosdport, kickboxer and universal soldier to name but a few.
edwin van der sar – goalkeeper and tough guy. born in the ghettos of voorhout, van der sar was never going to have an easy upbringing. the sound of clogs ricocheting off walls filled the air as he lay awake at night, the vile stench of tulips stifling his every breath. he lost many a homie to tragic windmill accidents and soon turned to martial arts to protect him and his family from the red light districts of seedy amsterdam. what started out as a form of self defence soon turned to profession. martial arts came naturally to him so illegal back alley combat soon found its way into his heart. it was at one such fight van der sar got his big break. hollywood director jan van der transit was over in voorhout, a well known veritable hot bed of hollywood a-listers, to witness one such bout. he was seeking the new bruce lee. the original bruce lee was yet to be discovered. van der sar wowed him with pirouettes and spinney heel kicks, all whilst wearing a leotard, and boy could he move. the straight to vhs movies tumbled in for van der sar. classics such as bloosdport, kickboxer and universal soldier to name but a few.
gary neville – right back and scouse hunter. born and raised in bury in the 1970’s gary grew up hating scousers. his dad bred it into him, alongside his brother phil. every Sunday they’d meet up with likeminded people for a hunt. hundreds of mancunian fathers on horseback gathered at “the feathers” in warrington, known scouse hating watering hole at 9 am sharp, their kids, crawling around excitedly on all floors below them, just longing for the sound of the horn to send them on their way. the horn blared, it was like angels singing to the children and they ran off like dogs as fast as their hands and feet could carry them, noses twitching in the air as they searched for the scent of burberry and shell suits. once a trail was located they stalked it through the alleys and side streets of the picturesque scenery they hunted through, checking every bin for a vile scouser. eventually the trail of lynx led them to an inbred mutant who’d be rummaging in a skip. gary would be sent in through the debris of washing machines and kitchen cabinets by his father neville to retrieve it. carrying it out in his mouth him and they other children would rip it limb from limb, teeth gnashing and gnawing away until only torn strips of blood soaked shell suit remained. the fathers let out a cheer from their trusty steeds and drank fine port to celebrate. gary neville, scouse hunter.
rio ferdinand – centre back and fine wig purveyor. born in the victorian period, early record of rio are sketchy. he was born into a wealthy family who ran a chain of pubic wig shops in the east end of london. he was destined to work alongside his father in the family business of selling these itchy private part accessories and as soon as he came of age he was bestowed the honour of head of fitting. the rich and wealthy of london would queue for hours to acquire these fluffy accompaniments, queue for hours to have rio measure them up and choose a fitting colour and style. with fine attention and appreciation of positioning and special awareness rio shot to the head of his trade, causing many to name him as the best in his trade. he was also the front runner in creating new merkin designs and is credited with the brazilian as his coup de grace. every satisfied customer was greeted with a pinch of their false fanny hair as rio would decree “you’ve been merked” rio ferdinand, fine merkin perveyour.
nemanja vidic – legend has it nemanja was not born but forged out of the finest steel in the fires of mount doom, mordor, middle earth by a wise wizard, safroman . he was indestructible and no man born of woman could destroy him. only the white hot fires of his birth place could return him to the liquid state he came from. safroman would use his machine to destroy all those who tried to vanquish him, every wave of attacking intent towards him would be quashed and met as water crashing on to rocks. with nemanja leading his defence, safroman felt he was impregnable and untouchable. no enemy would be able to break through this man of steel, an unyielding object which struck the fear of god into all opponents. some say that nemaja was initially cast as the terminator in a new hollywood production of the aforementioned named but filming ran into difficulties. mainly because nemanja could not control his instincts to destroy all those who opposed him and actors were crushed in his bare hands before he was forced to leave the studios, not because they asked him to, but because all of them were dead. he returned to safroman and continued his sterling work as defensive rock. no one knows if a replacement terminator was found or if the film actually ever made it to production.
patrice evra – left back and whippet. born in a litter of 26, patrice was the fastest of all his siblings. he’d tear up and down the left hand side of the garden of his family home all day. constant raids forwards and scurries backwards seemed to have little to no effect on him whatsoever and fatigue rarely set in. his parents took him to the local dog track and he was a natural, winning each race he was entered in. loved by all in his native senegal he soon had hoards of followers shadowing his every move and closely watching his every race. as the lovable scamp he is he soon took a small, stray cat under his wing and trained him in the art of racing. one by one patrice would defeat his enemies in the gladiatorial arena of the track, each time he’d taunt his vanquished foes by declaring they should “suck on his pussy” he particularly enjoyed screaming this at his main rival, a fat tabby cat called fwank who used to rule the tracks of dakar before the prodigal son had arrived to take his crown. patrice’s parents soon realised there was money to be made in the racing circuits of europe and patrice and his parent’s soon emigrated to the promised land of whippet racing, monaco, where he was soon plucked to race on the gloomy tacks of not always sunny manchester. patrice evra, whippet.
that sounds quite a bit of fun actually. i have started work on this and will post them up as they are done.
Good man, they're fecking cracking so far.
owen hargreaves – defensive midfielder and decorative table ornament. nowadays you are most likely to find owen hargreaves perched atop a table in the physio’s room at carrington. nothing more than an expensive antique, adorning the cold sterile table. rob swires would arrive every day at 8 am sharp to feed and water owen. it wasn’t always like this for mr. hargreaves. he was once a well respected distance runner. no one could run in aimless circles quite like owen. born in canada he soon realised his potential when his father would make him chase seal pups in circles all day long, hounding them and hurrying them into a mistake, a mistake that would ultimately lead to their downfall. the most successful of seal chasers canada had ever seen some claimed but the long hours running in circles had disastrous effects on his knees and soon he would have to be patched up every day before taking on his duties. thousands would come to watch him hound seal pups and had little to no idea of the terrible injuries owen had to conceal. a lucrative deal with kiwi boot polish soon followed and an increasingly weak owen used his commercial appeal as the best running in circles man on the planet to take him to hollywood. more by luck than judgement he would soon be able to use the ton of boot polish he gained as part of his sponsorship deal with kiwi to play the part of samuel l. jackson in hit movie “unbreakable” smothered head to toe in boot polish owen played quite the convincing sam jacko. critics purred over the reality at which owen purveyed brittle bone disease. some claiming it to be the greatest piece of acting the world had ever seen. if only they knew owen’s secret of success. if only they knew that owen in fact suffered the same horrendous condition as his character in the film. owen hargreaves, antique ornament.
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