ukbob – like ukip but not actually a political party in any sense or realm. ukbob is actually an actor. his work’s include corpse on casualty, an extra in emmerdale and most famously, the granddad on the werther’s original advert. his portfolio for potential customers enlists the following qualities – “the hips i was born with”, “most of my own teeth”, "witnessed the big bang", "saw off the dinosaurs", “only semi-senile and still mildly coherent”, “can control all his bowel movements and is only caught short 67.2% of the time”, “much loved husband, dad and granddad”, “searching 30 year old to mate with. like wild, illicit monkey sex” ukbob. caf gentleman. cool granddad.
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- Thread starter rimaldo
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do one about moses, and how he is an illiterate bastard, and 1871_inbred
And now I'm getting an ad for all-gay cruises on Atlantis.
I've only read a few of these but classics so far. I'll have to set aside a bit of time later and read the whole lot. Good luck getting much joy out of my username though!
alwynp - sounds welsh right? it's actually swahili for "man who plays with dolls” alwwynp has always enjoyed playing with dolls, ever since curiosity first got the better of him and he decided to peak up the skirt of his princess barbie. the plastic mound intrigued him and delighted him in equal measures. before he knew it he’d spilled pva glue all over the inside of his pants. cindy’s did the same for him as did all the dolls his sister held in her bedroom. he’d rush straight home from school and just lock himself away in his room undressing barbie and calling her a dirty slut before shoving her head down his pants. since turning into an adult his passion for dolls has stayed just as strong. life sized blow up dolls in fact. he rushes home from work and locks himself in his room and plays doctors and patient. vag doctor.
rim this thread is destined for the classics, top work.
I've not seen so many smileys used in a thread for a long time!!
I've not seen so many smileys used in a thread for a long time!!
rowem - spell it backwards and rearrange the letters and that’s right. mower. a clue to his secret identity. mower, gardens, grass and you guessed it, evergreen. rowem is the frog from the evergreen advert. once a pond dwelling spawner, rowem was used to spending his days swimming in ornate ponds and jumping merrily. that was until he saw the success of the crazy frog and his invisible motorbike. a whole new world opened up to him. instead of just wanting to squash frogs and toads on the road in their cars, people now wanted to hear the singing voice of the humble frog. it’s lovely croak would fill the living rooms. instead of wanting to pull the legs off a frog, children now wanted one on their phones. instead of cursing them as pests old people now wanted them on their lawns. rowem. fame hungry frog.
Only just seen this thread 
Do me. Unless I'm already done and didn't notice.
Do me. Unless I'm already done and didn't notice.
burndogg - like snoop dogg in a hip hop world of guns and violence, burndogg is an operatic maverick trying to bring aria's to tha streets. warbling on about sipping port in the wine bar. taking fine bitches to the theatre. devouring enemies like a cheeseboard and riding with his homie tarquin on his trusty stead denly. burndogg is seen by some as a revolutionary, an absolute cretin by others. he sees his work as key to turning around the lost youths of today, of getting them off the streets and into high society. some say he will waste his life and that he'll amount to nothing. others agree. burndoog. like snoop dogg, only slightly cooler.
This thread is epic!!solius - roughly translated from italian it means "sun i am" solius believes he is the sun and that the earth can only survive with him alive. he cultivates many plants at home and squats over them naked for an hour or so every night so they can photosynthesis and grow. he demands no one looks at him directly to avoid permanent eye damage, orders all who come close to him to wear sun cream, writes a personal letter of apology to every sufferer of skin cancer and attends the funerals of all the victims who fall because of it, ruining it and tarnishing a difficult day by repeatedly wailing "i'm sorry, oh god i'm so, so sorry" so loud that he drowns out the vicar and turns people from grief to utter rage. solius, he thinks he is the sun. he’s quite clearly not.
It's tough being me.Do I dare ask........?
anderson searl - modern day beagle. since animal testing has been banned on various products, varying companies have needed new ways to test out their products so they are fit for human consumption. what better way than testing out products on someone who could be classified as half human. anderson searl had a tough upbringing. gang banging on the hectic streets of royal windsor. it's claimed that the queen once flicked a v at him from one of the windows from her castle, other's claim it was just a cleaner. searl can often be found outside of the maybelline studios with his face plastered in makeup. sometimes in hospital when he has a reaction to it. some say he has 65 ears growing on his back for medical research. it could just be myth. call him a cnut quietly and see if he hears.
cnut
jgraham - irish shirt lifter and tv presenter. the clue is in the graham. a onetime leprechaun themed stripper turned channel 4 mogul and all round waste of space, graham has annoyed countless people in their home. his gayness is rammed down the throats of all who have to suffer him. he is only trumped in terms of annoying campness by his mortal enemy, alan carr. some say they were one time lovers who had a tormented break up and have since vowed to out mince one another on our tv screens. some say they are brothers both cast out in shame by their parents. all agree they should just stay at the ymca and stay off our tv’s.
thread of the year
I want one!
mufcgal - some say she was the first african child madonna adopted. other's the second. either way she was adopted by madonna. born and raised in the harsh, aids riddled arid plains of the gambian deserts, mufcgal was plucked from this nightmare. or so she though. out of the frying pan, into the fire. mufcgal was now one of the unlucky few who got to listen to the wrikled old saggy boot sing every day. many escape attempts were folied and mufcgal was soon locked in a cage. a cage next to that of guy ritchies. she grew close to ritchie during the cold winter nights they spent locked up together whilst he dreamt up awful films that normally involved some geezer getting gutted and she made awful songs in the studio. they decided they'd kill her and take the money for themselves. split it 50/50. unfortunately trying to explain this complex monetary arrangement to the idiotic ritchie proved fruitless and the plan was ruined. mufcgal eventually escaped and has since found solace in the caf.
If you have the time, and can come up with some stuff then do one of me please!
ruben - wide boy roofer by day. he likes his daily star and he likes his full english. he doesn't care who knows. he'd never kiss a man and can definitely sink more beers than you. by night he transforms into the most glorious figure skater you've ever seen. he sneaks off to the local rink after hours and twists and twirls to bonnie tyler's "holding on for a hero" the sequins, the jumps, the poetic movements, they are like ecstasy to ruben. a need for figure skating haunts him. his shame keeps him from telling all about it. though he does have the full sequence of torvil and dean's bolero from the 1984 olympics on his phone that he sneaks off to watch on every tea break as his guilty pleasure and a way of indulging his need for possibly the most homosexual sport that exists.
I also want one!
i'm spent for the time being now. may be back on later. i've got 101 and mexos still to do if i've not forgotten anyone who's asked. if anyone else wants one let us know and i'll do what i can.
Hahah, thanks a lot rimaldo! Great stuff.
*hesitantly puts his hand up and awaits his punishment*
maddogg - bounty hunter extraodinairre. the flowing blonde locks. the black outfit. the mace, the handcuffs, the failed police exams. all trademarks of this wannabe superhero. maddogg will find jesus one day. he claims to have already found him but if jesus were to exist i doubt he'd actively encourage the spraying of bear mace into another's eyes. let he without sin cast the first stone and all that. maddogg didn't always want to be a bounty hunter no. growing up he dreamed of being a detective. he dreamed of being respected in his line of work. he dreamed of all the poon his badge would get him and of all the things women would do to him to get away with speeding or minor traffic citations. instead he grew up into a figure of ridicule and to suffer the shame of working with retards and running after his bounty. if only people told him they were easily found in most shops and garages alike. any perveyor of confectionary in fact. the coconutty goodness he longed for was not all that hard to find. maddogg. chocolate lover. brain dead.
101 - uses for eboue? dalmatians? all you need to know on any particular subject? yes but no. 101 is in fact a secret government agent. well in his own head anyway. he's nothing more than a nerdy computer technician to those who know him and they are very few and far in between. a nerdy computer technician who wanted his username to be in binary format. if only he actually knew he was a few 0's and 1's short. over the years 101 has slowly decided he is working for the fbi. he sits there for hours on end reading the latest copy of reveal and whilst reading about jordan's latest escapades or how kerry katona plans to turn herself in to a thinner iceland pikey he pieces together vital clues. clues that show the taliban using celebrity stories to communicate with one another. his family do not know of his work. for if 101 told them he'd have to kill them with his sas training. he once read the wiki page on andy mcnab and ever since then knows how to beat any man in mano a mano combat or to silence those who may speak out against him or jeopardise his mission. 101. binary buffoon.
could you do one with mine please ? I reckon it is inspirational.
nani nana - the latest hit portuguese tv show. whilst his performances on the field are a bit up and down to say the least, nani's performances in the field of child care are second to none. inspired by "supernanny" jo frost, nani decided that looking after children and getting them to behave was worthy work and would enable him to give something back to society. with the recent death of michael jackson he had the perfect opportunity to do so. nani nana follows the inconsistent winger from home to home as he attempts to get children to behave for their parents. and what better way of getting them to behave than by telling them that he is the zombie corpse of michael jackson and a meaty molestering is coming their way unless they get in line and stop messing about and start doing things his way. 60% of the time it works all the time. just like his performances in a united shirt. nani nana. portuguese brain rot. dead mj.
Go on then, if you have the inclination to do one for me 
mexos - that's right mo' sex. well any would be nice in fact. no matter who or what with. mexos is a staunch catholic, as his parent's raised him. but unfortunately they also passed down their hideous hunchbacks. this means poor mexos is not very desirable to the ladies. churches and cathedrals clamber all over him though and he's had many offers of bell ringer and resident tower weirdo. some say a book has been published chronicling his life. a film even followed. others say it was just a self made video of him vigorously angering god with his hand thrashing away down his pants. either way just any sex for this hunchback would be nice. any at all. if only he could get a woman to marry him. mexos. mexican hunchback.
and with that i think that's everyone done who asked for it and i'm finished with this particular excerise.
You have a talent Rimi!
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