NEWS: BREAKDOWN SHAKEDOWN YOU'RE BUUUSTEEEEED
The Trading Standards Commission have upheld a complaint against the IRA from disgruntled members of the public, angry that their latest recruitment campaign has been deemed 'too vague'. The campaign, a series of adverts displaying the slogan 'Join The IRA' has been spray-painted on walls in Springhill and Ballycolman, plus probably other areas in Strabane too but we haven't bothered to look - however, the slogan itself has fallen below the standards expected by buck f**king eejits around the town.
"My car has been actin the hoor for months now,' said one complainant, Simon Callaghan, 38, 'But I can't afford to sell the bastard, so when I saw the 'Join The IRA' ad, I was like "Yess! Finally a breakdown company that won't tell me to f**k aff and walk home down the phone at 3am like me Da always does. More fool me hi."
So what did joining the IRA involve?
"Well, there was no contact number, so gettin a hold of them in the first place was a f**ker for a start,' Mr Callaghan continues, 'But I knew a boy that knew a boy etc etc and they got me in touch with them. So I was taken to a house up the Head Of The Town, bundled into a house, surrounded by a loada hard-lookin tickets and told that if I wanted to join I would have to swear undyin allegiance and loyalty to the cause."
And so did you swear undying allegiance and loyalty?
"Well if I'm goin to be forkin out nearly £100 a month in membership then ye have me f**kin loyalty whether I like it or not, don't ye? So, aye, I joined up there and then."
And so what happened then?
"Well typically the car clapped out drivin home from Omagh last Saturday, so I rang the boys up and asked them to come out and pick me up."
And did they?
"Aw aye - out they landed, fired me into their car and drove me to a 'safe house' with a buckin armed guard at the door, tellin me I had 'compromised their position'. Then I found out they had driven me car out to the countryside and torched the f**kin thing! What kind of a buckin breakdown service are these hoors anyway?!"
What indeed? The Strabanish Inquisition eventually got in touch with an IRA representative, who told us: "What in the f**k are ye on about, breakdown service? We're the buckin Ra for Jesus sake, chuckie ar la, brits out, united Ireland, all that shite! Buckin breakdown service your auld hole."
However, the complaint by Mr Callaghan and other confused members of the public was upheld this week by the Trading Standards Commission, who ordered the IRA to be more clear about what their slogan was offering to people hoping to 'Join The IRA'. Another IRA representative was despatched yesterday to spray-paint a small-print description of the IRA's working policies and a clear agenda of what is expected of joining members - in short, what it is the IRA actually do. The spraying of the graffiti was delayed indefinitely however, when the representative hesitated in front of the Ballycolman graffiti, spray-can in hand, then quickly phoned his IRA colleagues to say "Here boys, I'm stuck hi. What the f**k DO we do these days anyway?"
