- The opening scene is alright I guess. Nice throwback to the first Winterfell scenes in the first season except it's some kid instead of Bran/Arya. They play the same music as well just to make sure you know they're mirroring the first episode. Did you get that? Ok good moving on.
- Why isn’t Dany’s army freezing? The show in earlier seasons always seemed to make a big deal of winter (winter is coming etc) but no one seems that bothered about the weather which doesn’t seem any different to what we’ve already seen in the north.
- Ok so the first lines of dialogue in the final season are balls jokes and you’d think they’d know by now that these aren’t funny anymore. As a side note what does Varys even do these days? Reckon he’ll get the Littlefinger treatment this season. Dragons flying over Winterfell was cool at least.
- Reunion the first: Bran and Jon seeing each other again is nice. I don’t remember any scenes they shared together before this but still. Then its ruined when Bran suddenly tells them that the wall’s fallen and that the white walkers have her dragon. You’d think she’d be a bit more cut up about this but no its not mentioned again next scene lets go.
- So that little Umbar kid has sent for his people to come to Winterfell but they haven’t come because they don’t have enough carriages supplies etc, so they send him to go get them. Why didn’t they just walk like Dany’s army did. I’ve given up trying to understand the geography of the show, but I don’t think there’s any ports near Winterfell so Dany, Jon etc. would’ve had to walk for some distance at least. Not like their army had horses either we just saw them march in. We can only assume the weather isn’t bad enough to hinder travel because they haven’t shown us that it is. The distance between the Umbar’s place and Winterfell can’t be that far either because the kid gets there before the end of the episode. Best not to think about timelines/geography etc at this point though because none of it ever adds up and only serves to give me a migraine.
- Then everyone starts arguing. Lady Mormont calls out Jon for bending the knee, everyone starts whinging when Tyrion says his family are coming to help them, Sansa starts moaning that they have too many people to feed after she’s just told kid Umbar to go and bring more people to feed, then she asks what dragons eat Sansa they are dragons what do you think they eat you moron shut up Sansa. “What do dragons eat” pfft. On an unrelated note, I wonder where Ghost has disappeared to...
- Gendry starts bringing in all the dragonglass. I always felt it was a bit strange to make this the only way to kill white walkers. Other than fire. And valerion steel. And water, apparently they can’t swim. It was interesting when you thought the substance was rare but no they’re now wheeling it in by the cart load meaning they’ll all be able to defend themselves with ease. Oh well.
- Then Tyrion sees Sansa and lord Royce I think his name is muttering to each other. Looks like they’re conspiring. Probably bitching about Dany after her cheek. I quite like that people still don’t really trust each other, makes more sense than them all getting along even in these circumstances, but it’ll probably lead to characters doing really annoying things and being really stupid.
- Reunion the second: Tyrion and Sansa haven’t seen each other since their wedding as they tell us. She apologises for leaving the people who mentally tormented her and murdered half her family. Tyrion seems to believe that Cersei “wants to survive” because she said she was pregnant and that’s why the Lannister army are coming. Wouldn’t her need to survive, as well as her general personality and previous actions throughout her entire life, indicate that her desire to survive will likely just make her more selfish and think more inwardly and thus less likely to send troops to support those she deems to be her enemies? I think Tyrion is likely still blinded by a genuine care for his family which could be quite interesting if the writers do more with it. Sansa says she used to think Tyrion was the cleverest man alive. Guess she just watched the episode where he tells everyone to go north and capture an undead person: it's enough to change anyone's mind.
- Reunion the third: its Jon and Arya! They shared one scene together in season 1 and now they are reunited at last! Arya still has needle, the sword Jon gave her, but seems reluctant to divulge into detail about what she’s done and where she’s been. She stands up for Sansa and says she’s the smartest person she’s ever met. U wot m8? Since when? Since you and her fell out in the last season for the stupidest reason ever before being rescued by your brother, the guy who literally does know everything? Why does everyone feel the need to comment on other people’s intelligence on this show? I liked that no music played during this scene and thought it would be cheesier than it ended up being so props for that.
- Kings Landing! Cersei is glad that the dead have broken through the wall, reminding us that she is indeed a bad guy. Euron arrives with the golden company he went to get and Yara is his captive. Another balls joke is made, and I resist the urge to skip ahead. I wish we were shown more of the mute crew, that’s a creepy concept. Euron’s entire motivation seems to be that he wants to bang the queen but of course everyone knows that the queen is just using him for an army and that he’s not actually going to bang the queen haha.
- Euron bangs the queen but not before explaining how many men he’s brought. Its 20k but some died cos someone cheated at dice but Euron can’t remember if it was them or him that cheated lolzy. Cersei is disappointed they didn’t bring elephants. Doesn’t matter though, she’ll still end up getting Euron’s trunk soon enough wayhaaaaay. Euron is desperate to bang the queen but Cersei says if he wants a whore he should buy one and if he wants a queen he should earn her. Euron is insolent towards her and they leave the room together to bang approximately ten seconds later.
- Bronn engages in a boring sex scene with three prostitutes. It’s not funny and Bronn annoys me. “Which girl?" haha Classic Bronn. Qyburn arrives to inform him that Cersei is willing to pay him loads to kill her brothers. He agrees because Bronn just loves gold and prostitutes and booze. I, for one, cannot wait to see how Bronn decides not to kill Tyrion or Jaime.
- Euron has banged the queen but doesn’t seem to have done a good job as she continues to pine for the elephants. Its probably for the best they didn’t bring them as they’d take up far too much of the budget and we’d miss out on more dragon scenes which simply would not do. The fat king sucked in bed apparently, finally now we know. Euron says he’s gonna put a prince in her belly. There’s already one there mate, but Cersei is drinking wine so maybe there isn’t idk.
- The guards on Euron’s ship are shot by arrows and die. This would’ve been an opportune time to make more of the fact that they’re mute but the scene is over before we know it and Theon has rescued Yara. I like that there’s no dialogue during this part: the show is usually better when no one is speaking.
- When they do start speaking it is quite nice though. Yara seems quite smart and wants to hide from the white walkers on the iron islands. More folk should do that, but no one likes the ironborns, especially the writers, so I guess everyone would rather die on the mainland than be stuck with them on their smelly island. She lets Theon go to Winterfell to help the Starks. This part is very rushed but its probably for the best, the ironborn haven’t gotten much attention on the show and there’s no time to make them interesting now so they might as well just get it out of the way and move on. Theon will probably die redeeming himself which would be a nice end to a decent character.
- Back to the north where Tyrion disses Davos’ sigil which is an onion. Davos cannot respond to this devastating putdown as Tyrion’s own sigil is a lion which is universally considered badass. Tyrion then has a go at Davos’ age. Davos smirks but it is clear that another intriguing feud is boiling underneath the surface here. With five episodes left, I expect this conflict to be developed and resolved in a satisfactory matter amidst the war of the living vs the dead. Davos proposes that Dany and Jon should marry because they are the main characters.
- I notice that Jon and Dany are both very small. This makes me feel superior to both and I am momentarily pleased until I am reminded that they have two dragons and I currently have none. They go to visit the dragons who are both very fake looking in this scene and apparently not eating because they don’t like the north. Dany gets on the dragon for no reason and tells Jon to get on the other one. He does this despite having no training or knowledge of dragons. Then the most embarrassing thing ever happens and they start flying the dragons around the mountains for a while and it reminds me of when Harry Potter flies the hippogriff in Harry Potter except the effects are much worse here and we see barely any emotion from the characters. I have no idea why this scene was included and I want it to die.
- Another most embarrassing thing ever happens straight after. Jon says Dany has ruined horses for him forever. Ok. Anyway, they see a waterfall which I think is a throwback to the caves Jon and his ex once banged in. Dany even says she wishes they could stay there for a thousand years but that would make them pretty old as Jon shrewdly points out, proving that it is in fact Jon who is the smartest person after all. They start kissing and I’m reminded of when Jon’s uncle warned him of all the things he’d be giving up to join the Nights Watch in the first episode: love, titles, family etc. I’ve always thought Jon was the main character on the show but even so it’s a bit ridiculous how he’s faced very little consequences from his own actions throughout and essentially become a king and the lover to the most beautiful woman in the world. And even when he finally did face consequences for his stupid honourable decisions in season 5 he just came back like nothing happened. “feck you Jon you perfect bastard”, I yell vehemently at my screen, enraged as he awkwardly smooches Dany in the snow. He is distracted by the fact that the dragons are watching them and the adverts mercifully spare me from exploding with cringe.
- Reunion the fourth: Arya and the Hound! Arya stands up to the Hound when he’s being mean to Gendry for forging weapons for them to use in the final fight. They are very cold to one another. I miss the Hound and Arya adventures they were quite fun back in the day.
- Reunion the fifth: TWO reunions in one scene say whaaat!?!? Gendry and Arya tease one another and a romantic subplot is set up. Gendry shamelessly steals the guy from the Princess Bride’s chat up line but Arya doesn’t appear to have seen the film as it works on her. I hope both characters never find happiness and die painfully. As a side note that drawing Arya gives Gendry is pitiful. I know she’s an assassin not an artist but come on it's like drawing someone a picture of a plane and telling him to build it.
- Back to Sansa and Jon. Sansa seems so bored about everything as she explains that House Glover have foolishly chosen to die off-camera rather than potentially survive with the main characters in Winterfell. She explains that Jon’s at fault because he doesn’t want to be king in the north anymore then asks him if he’s fighting for Dany because he loves her or if its just to help the north. Why can’t it be both? It is obviously both. We're not given an answer however as the eastenders theme plays in the background and we are taken to the next scene.
- Why does Sam get such a fright when he sees Dany in the library? Was he beating his meat or something? Probably not but it was so dark I couldn’t tell. The scene that follows is quite nice and probably the episode’s best as Sam learns that his family were burned alive. The camera holds on his face for so long that it becomes uncomfortable, but the acting is good and I like that this may have consequences later regarding peoples views on whether Dany will be a fair ruler or not.
- Sam goes outside where Bran suddenly decides that it’s time to tell Jon the truth because not much has happened in this episode and there are only ten minutes left. So Sam goes down to the crypts and tells Jon he’s Aegon Targaryen which Jon believes after about five seconds of minor doubt. I guess after all that he’s been through and all the interviews he’s had to give before the premiere Jon’s worked out at this point that he’s the main character so it’s easy enough to accept the fact that his entire upbringing was a lie. I had hoped that Jon would never find out and that his past would be something that we the audience knew but no one else did which would’ve been a nice way of avoiding the typical fantasy chosen one cliché. Sam then starts voicing his doubts about Dany based on the fact she justifiably executed the man who tormented and bullied Sam throughout his entire life and Jon himself seems unsure. Is that more conflict I smell? Hopefully it doesn’t get in the way of the Davos-Tyrion feud. Also, why is Jon’s name Aegon? Didn’t Rhaegar have another son who was called Aegon that the mountain killed when he was a child? So Rhaegar had two sons called Aegon born, at the most, a couple of years apart from one another? Classic Rhaegar.
- Next up we’re shown what I assume is the Umbar’s castle where the kid ran off too earlier. It’s night time now and everyone is dead. Tormund and Beric wander around the ruins and it’s quite tense and creepy but it’s all spoiled when they bump into Ed and there’s some cheap jokes thrown in and I become angry again. We see the sign of the white walkers on the wall where the boy Umbar is dead. I spend the next two seconds mourning the loss of this character. What’s up with that sign the white walkers keep using by the way? Is it like their calling card so we know it was them who killed all these people? If so, thank god it’s there because for a while I simply assumed Tyrion and Davos’ feud had escalated into the Umbar’s castle with disastrous consequences. They get me an absolute belter with the jump scare at this part and my rage grows.
- Reunion the sixth: The episode ends with Jaime arriving at Winterfell in disguise. I like Jaime he’s one of good guys. He sees Bran staring at him. Bran did this earlier with Tyrion. I think this is the show’s ingenious way of communicating to us that Bran, the character who knows everything, knows something. I like that this is the last and best reunion as Jaime’s decision to push Bran out the window is what started most of this shit off. It’s weird that the episode ends here though as it solidifies the point that almost nothing happened for 50 minutes.
- Conclusion: more of the same shit tbh. The writing, plot, dialogue etc. have been messy since season 4 (5 if we’re being generous) so I had no expectations there, but I thought that this episode did a terrible job of building suspense for the main conflict of the show as the white walkers weren’t shown at all nor did we see any proper preparations at Winterfell aside from the dragonglass. I haven’t seen the preview of the next episode but I’m going to assume that they’re all going to be too busy focusing on Jaime’s return and what to do with him rather than actually discussing strategy. If this has an actual consequence on the battle then I’ll probably be okay with it but, let’s face it, it probably won’t. Given that there’s only six episodes this season, the decision to have the premiere basically catching everyone up to speed and focusing on largely unemotional, fanservicey character reunions is bizarre as is splurging a lot of the budget on a fake-ass looking romcom sequence that largely accomplishes sweet feck all. The camera work, as usual, is as boring and uncreative as ever: scenes consistently continue to show two or three characters doing nothing but spouting terribly written dialogue in a single, dull location. You could argue that Jon being told of his origins is one of the most important moments in the show (I wish it wasn’t but that’s how it’s been set up) yet they decided to shoot it in a dark location, jumping back and forth between two characters, one of whom is expositioning everything to the other like a convenient Wikipedia page in need of a citation check. It’s just so lazy and you can tell the showrunners have completely run out of steam at this point (I personally believe they lost most of their motivation after the Red Wedding) and are happy to just hit the major plot points and throw in a few grand battle sequences that'll see them sweep up all the awards they’ll likely get for all this bs.
- Can’t wait for next week 3/10
