It's a brilliant piece of chess by Woodward and Co, though isn't it:
RM - We want DDG
MU - You can't have DDG
RM - We'll make him
MU - You can only have DDG if we get Ramos
RM - You can't have Ramos
MU - You are only getting DDG if we get Ramos
RM - Ramos doesn't want to go to you.
MU - No Ramos for DDG? Then we'll take Ronaldo back..Who do you rather lose? Your choice.
RM - What color ribbon do you want around your Ramos?
Or the alternative:
MU: Hello, can i speak to Mr. Perez please?
RM: Sorry - who's calling?
MU: It's Edward Woodward from Manchester United.
RM: Edward Woodward from the 80's tv show "The Equalizer"?
MU: Ah for f*ck sake - not this shite again. No - i'm the guy who runs Manchester United you dizzy bitch.
RM: Oh, okay - i'll put you through as soon as he becomes available. Great show that was though. Are you sure you're not.. *Ed cuts her off*
MU: Finish that sentence & i'm gonna have you taken care off you f*cking c*nt.
RM: There's no need to be rude - i was just curious. It's a famous name & you're English, so i thought you were him.
MU: He's f*cking dead you twat. How many calls do you get from dead people for f*ck sake?
RM: Quite alot. We at Real Madrid use the official Real Madrid Ouija Board
TM & we contact dead Real footballers & General Franco to give us guidance.
MU: feck me side-ways & call me Barbara. You lot really are a bunch of arseholes. What the f*ck like?! Is Mr. Perez available yet or not, for f*ck sake?
RM: I'm just waiting to put you through. Please hold the line Senor Equalizer.. he he he.. sorry, i meant Senor Woodward he he he.
MU: I have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for receptionists like you. If you put me through to Mr. Perez now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
RM: *Freaks out* Oh.. oh.. okay.. Just putting you through now, Senor Woodward.
MU: Bout f*cking time you wench.
RM: Edward - Como esta?
MU: Dont you spout that "how are you shite" Perez - you couldnt give a shite how i am & i couldnt give a shite how you are either, you slimey specky prick. What's the update on Ramos & Ronaldo situation for f*ck sake? You f*ckin better sort this out & have them both at Carrington within the next 7 days & that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you.. *coughs & snaps out of it*.. Anyway give us the update you twat.
RM: Sorry Senor Wood, i meant no offence. Apologies. Sergio & Cristiano want to leave, but Senor Benitez says no & needs them both for his team. He's beside me here.
MU: Stick that chubby wanker on the blower right now pal.
RM: Edward - it's Rafa. Como esta?
MU: For f*ck sake - you's cnuts are really pushing it now. Let Ramos & Ronaldo come to us you fat f*ck & have it sorted within the next 7 days or else. I dont give a shite, but you're not gettin our Dave either. Are you eating?
RM: Yes - we're having some cake. Its a very nice Real Madrid Cake
TM.
MU: You fat vagina-faced ignorant bastard. It's rude to talk with me whilst gubbing a shitload of cake.
RM: Sorry Edward - i was just celebrating with Senor Perez.
MU: Celebrating what?
RM: Celebrating that i dont have ass-cancer & i just happen to shit myself from time to time - especially doin cross-bar challenges. My bowls always seem to move & i also get an erection when Cristiano shoots, which means i have to shoot also - in the manager's office.
MU: Wanker! Forget about keeping Ronaldo & Ramos you pants crapper - they want to play here & not for you, you fat twat. Stop gubbing that f*ckin cake too for f*ck sake.
RM: Okay Senor Edward *gubs more cake*. I will talk to them & i will contact you.
MU: Good. Sort it out asap. You can have Hernandez for both of them aswell - no money. We aint paying a cent to you fascist twats.
RM: But.. but.. *Ed cuts Rafa off*
MU: No buts about it feller. You make this happen & that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will starve you.
RM: Sí Senor Woodward. That's a good deal. Thank you.
MU: Sorted & about time. Hasta la vista dickheads. *hangs up*