DUFFY'S RANDOM PPV RECAP
ECW Hardcore Heaven 2000!!! Lets get extreme.
ECW don't have too much Money so we get a opening montage something akin to this...
Signs in the crowd include "Lance Storm is Gay", "George W Bush is Gay" and "I want to have Joey Styles Lovechild". Homomania!!!
Joey Styles in in the ring along with Joel Gertner who appears to have forgotten to wear a shirt but has remembered to put a bowtie round his neck brace. Joey introduces us. More signs spotted include "Jerry Lynn is Hot" "Cyrus likes boys" and Awesome is Gay". Seriously you'd think half of them bought tickets thinking it was called Hardcock Heaven. One sign is blurred out "________ Sucks". Guessing that was NOBODY! LOOK OVER THERE!
This crowd is hyped. "Hooray 4 Boobies" that guy bought tickets to the right show.
Here comes Balls. He has a personalized steel chair and is here to face Mr Tanaka. Cyrus arrives and gets some Chinese guy to choke out Gertner. Sound levels are a bit off. "Dawn Marie 1:69 Please" Seriously the signs are the best part of the show so far. Apparently the guy who choked out Gertner was Japanese - trust me to get that wrong.
They actually wrestle, i'd almost forgotten what wrestling was after those 2 WCW PPV's. The ECW crowd obviously eat it up. Cyrus is better on colour commentary than Mike Ademle, Booker T, JBL and Current-day King put together. Standard ECW plancha from Tanaka. Standard ECW guardrail usage from Balls. Tornado DDT off a chair onto the raised ramp. Tanaka hits him with a few hard elbows for the win. Standard ECW handshake of respect.
Lance Storm cuts a decent promo. Francine is in the background mumbling everything that he says. Storm vs Credible is the main event supposedly.
Ok here's some guy called Simon Diamond with what appears to be a Chinese Mr Ben, A short fat Snitsky, A musketeer, and a cheap mans version of Chyna. He's not a comedy act apparently - well that's true cause he ain't funny. Mike Whipwreck with the future James Mitchell in tow is his opponent. Little Guido is also here with Big Sal E. The ring looks like Series 2 Episode 4 of Rick & Morty at this point.
Some issue with the lights mean they're wrestling in basically darkness. Where's that WCW ref with the torch when you need him? Belting plancha by Mikey onto all the Wacky Races characters on the outside. Big Sal gets his face fried but it wins Guido the match. Hurrah for Interference!
The lights are back on. Some Paul Heyman impersonator is here with CW Anderson, Billy and some woman. Jazz comes out strips the girl. He name is Alexa apparently and she's modelling the Borat mankini. This PPV is worth a watch for that alone. Kid Kash is here to face Anderson. Kid Kash dives into the crowd. CW and Billy go flying but the crowd member whose lap Kash landed in no sells it like Hogan. Kash has some shit dreadlocks. Nice little match ensues. Fake Paul Heyman is spot on right down to the apron-smacking! Kash wins with a top rope body scissors. No Atomic Drop endings round here.
Right, my unfamiliarity with ECW in 2000 is showing. We have a guy dressed like Venom, De Vito? Chetti, Amish, and a few other guys. Tag match it seems. Oh that's Nova. Holy shit Amish with some sick top rope dive through a table. Yeah, Nova and Chetti hit a double Leg-drop-splash thing for the win. It's short lived. Here comes New Jack to stab somebody probably. He has a dustbin that he throws at some randoms. Uses a staple gun on them. He has a fork...god damn it. Yeah Joey Styles says they got "Forked" of course. New Jack just kicks these guys asses for like 10 mins.
ECW Website plug...looks like it was made on Windows 95 or something. Joey starts saying Credible attacked Dreamer off camera.
Here comes Steve Corino, he is facing Tajiri. Love how Tajiri nearly gets DQ'd for using the Tarantula but chair shots are fine. Corino gets busted open. Tajiri has a table now. Holy feck that was sick, he baseball slid the upright table into Corino's face sending him flying.
Why has nobody ripped that off to my knowledge?! Corino sells it like he just got the spit-slap from the Rock. Yeah it doesn't turn out well when Corino puts him through the table. Corino simulates Tajiri giving him a wank, which obviously, the gay-heavy crowd loves. Another table...Tajiri double stomps Corino through it for the win. Decent.
Here comes the Japanese dude I called Chinese earlier to attack Tajiri. Dusty Rhodes is here!!! He's bionic elbowing everyone! But here's Rhyno cause he has a match and he wants all these motherfeckers to vacate his ring.
Sandman is here to face the man beast. The crowd react as they should to Metallica but WWE's dubbed music is shit, made me wonder why they were cheering. Usual beer shit from Sandman. TV title on the line. Rhyno looks stupidly young. Sandman's never looked young. Rhyno dominates, but misses the gore and goes through a table. These ECW tables broke really accurately. Near fall from Sandman is the closest he gets. INTERFERENCE!!! Here comes Corino and some other dude but they're attacked by Sandmans wife who swings a cane wildly. Corino is about to smash her pretty little face in until Sandman stops him. Rhino takes advantage and piledrivers Sandman on the ramp. Rhyno fecking kills Laurie with a piledriver off the apron through a table. Rhyno sets her up for the gore but Sandman makes the save, only to take a gore through the table himself, for the win. Fun.
Ok, RVD vs Lynn. The crowd is going mental. Nice wrestling to start followed by some work with the guardrails. Van Dam with his corkscrew legdrop off the apron onto a chair on top of Lynn who was over the guardrail. Not a single cry of "VINTAGE VAN DAM!". This arena has some nice Laminate flooring and Van Dam face plants into it. Back inside they have a nice little wrestling match for like 10 minutes. Lynn suplexes RVD to feck during this period. Van Daminator off the top. Both men through a table. Some sick sunset flip powerbomb onto a chair. Yeah this is just awesome. Just watch it. INTERFERENCE!!! Here's Rhyno again all like "My fecking ring" after the network gets involved. Lynn hits a package piledriver while smashing his own ass on a chair for the win. Worth a watch.
Here comes Justin Credible, who's the world champion. He says that the 3-way dance he was meant to have with Dreamer and Storm is now just He and Storm. Old tag partners, now rivals, you know the story. Here is Dreamer anyway. Francine is being all like a bitch. Heyman is telling Dreamer to leave it. Credible is just being an utter knob. Here is Storm to fight. It's 1 on 1 as Dreamer can't get involved because of the network. Dreamer gives Heyman the finger. Storm with Dawn Marie against Credible with Francine. This is only gonna end one way. Standard battle outside to start. Here comes the table. Storm ain't having any of that shit, eh. Credible tells the crowd to "Suck on This". Corner sit-out powerbomb gets 2. Seriously Storm is so good, some beautiful suplexes. Credible eats table. Only gets 2 before Credible goes all Brothers of Destruction and tombstones Storm ftw.
Here's dreamer, he smacks Credible and he has Francine cornered. Bitch eats a Spicolli Driver. See that's just basically an FU. Why can't Cena's look that good?
The crowd chants like "Ercie Doob" or something as the PPV goes off the air. No fireworks but that was miles more fun than that WCW shite, hence why I actually talk about the matches in this recap and don't just take the piss. More soon...