How many goals could YOU score up front for United in a season?

Speak said:
In terms of 'technical moves', you simply wouldn't try to get involved in build up play at all. It would be harmful to the team to actually try to do anything but shot when the ball is in the box. You have to play for 90 minutes, so you'd be best off not getting involved, and only shooting.

So bearing that in mind, you really think it's impossible that in 50+ games against all sorts of teams, you'd be presented with a few very very easy chances?
That the ball could fall favorable once or twice, to such an extent that you can't be beaten to the ball?
And if not, you believe that it's not possible that you could put the ball into the net even once?

Has there never been a goal-scoring opportunity within the years of Premier League football that you could have taken? Like, not one?
If not, then why couldn't you score again, even once, if you literally goal-hang for 50+ games?
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When I say technical moves I am meaning things such as simple outside foot hook turns to protect the ball under pressure and find a pass.
The simple act of goal hanging wont mean you will simply get an easy chance at some point. There are a whole bunch of methods to create space for yourself, things like checking in and out of space, changes of pace, dropping the shoulder etc etc. The pro defenders at that level can read those moves, time their defensive runs and lines to cope with those moves at a level the average joe couldnt beat. They might think they could do it but reality is quite harsh. I spent half a game trying to get the better of Darren Bazeley, I didnt get the slightest sniff of a chance.
I also had to mark a guy called Wynton Rufer in a charity game about 12 years ago. He is the same age as me. He made me look like a complete and utter muppet. Remember I played in our local National league and thought I was a decent player. The gap is huge. Its one thing to watch tv and see the mistakes players make in EPL games and think you could do better but they are making mistakes in games that are being played at a higher pace ( technical, physical and mental) than 99.9% of us have ever experienced.
 
Stack said:
When I say technical moves I am meaning things such as simple outside foot hook turns to protect the ball under pressure and find a pass.
The simple act of goal hanging wont mean you will simply get an easy chance at some point. There are a whole bunch of methods to create space for yourself, things like checking in and out of space, changes of pace, dropping the shoulder etc etc. The pro defenders at that level can read those moves, time their defensive runs and lines to cope with those moves at a level the average joe couldnt beat. They might think they could do it but reality is quite harsh. I spent half a game trying to get the better of Darren Bazeley, I didnt get the slightest sniff of a chance.
I also had to mark a guy called Wynton Rufer in a charity game about 12 years ago. He is the same age as me. He made me look like a complete and utter muppet. Remember I played in our local National league and thought I was a decent player. The gap is huge. Its one thing to watch tv and see the mistakes players make in EPL games and think you could do better but they are making mistakes in games that are being played at a higher pace ( technical, physical and mental) than 99.9% of us have ever experienced.
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But your examples are half-games. We're talking 50 odd games of 90 minutes.
The ball travels faster than any human, and I cannot believe that we'd get beaten to every single ball movement, or would never have any opportunity to control/shoot the ball without somebody directly down our neck, tackling us within half a second.

It's not like every goal comes via intelligent movement. And we wouldn't be the only guy on the pitch.

For example that Torres vs Barcelona goal. What's to say that a similar chance couldn't come about again? Is it completely impossible that we'd be able to put that into the net?
 
Speak said:
But your examples are half-games. We're talking 50 odd games of 90 minutes.
The ball travels faster than any human, and I cannot believe that we'd get beaten to every single ball movement, or would never have any opportunity to control/shoot the ball without somebody directly down our neck, tackling us within half a second.

It's not like every goal comes via intelligent movement. And we wouldn't be the only guy on the pitch.

For example that Torres vs Barcelona goal. What's to say that a similar chance couldn't come about again? Is it completely impossible that we'd be able to put that into the net?
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If we took a Stevenage striker from league two a division only a tiny percentage of Caf members could have ever hoped to have played for and put that stiker in as Utds striker for a season I would bet on them never scoring. They might score but it terms of betting odds those odds would make it a favourable bet. If we took Falcao and put him in Stevenages team he would score goals.
The gap when seen from a personal experience level is so much bigger than the average football fan realises.
I absolutely know that I would never score in 50 games up front for Utd. Others might think they could but I just cant see it.
 
If you've ever played football for a side, and then drawn a much better side in the cup or what not, you'd know yourself you have zero chance.

I don't think any Caf member would get 10 touches in game.
 
I'd be the equivalent of that Ali Diah chap, who convinced Graeme Souness while he was managing Southampton, to give him a trial as he was George Weahs cousin.

It would be a similar story in performing absolutely fecking shocking and booed off pitch as I lumber around, drenched in sweat, all right foot and zero pace,.
 
Keeps It tidy said:
Zero. People underestimate how good the shit players of the Premier League are.
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I went to school with Quentin Fortune. I was 4 years older than him, yet as a 14 year old, he was the main man in the school U18 1st XI, scoring 25 out of 40 goals scored that season and inspired us to win the Private Schools National knock out tournament. He was about 4 times better than the next player, who was 18 and had an unsuccessful West Ham trial. Quinton joined Spurs 2 years later as a 16 year old.

If Fortune was that good, I cant even imagine what it would have been like to play with any of our current United 1st XI, let alone players like Giggs, Scholes or Rooney!

In answer to the OP, I doubt any of us would score even one goal! I cant even score for my weekend team, though I play right back.
 
Bwuk said:
If you've ever played football for a side, and then drawn a much better side in the cup or what not, you'd know yourself you have zero chance.

I don't think any Caf member would get 10 touches in game.
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10 touches in a game borders on science-fiction.

I'd believe 2-3 goals over a season before 10 touches since the other 10 United players wouldn't trust you with the ball unless you were in acres of space and Van Gaal would probably just tell you to stand at the penalty spot, hold a sign indicating you're not interfering with play and look to tap in chances when a winger or fullback got round the corner.

Basically, I think that apart from being around for taps ins or denying back passes to the keeper it's hard to see what use a sunday league footballer would be in a pro game. Standing offside, denying teams the option of a pass back to the keeper and scoring on a cutback every 4 months might be best-case scenario.

Also, standing on the post on a corner, most sunday leaguers could be trained into doing a decent job there. The hard 25 yard sprint upon the ball being cleared would take a few minutes out of most, though, leading to a slow walk up the pitch.
 
People also seem to be forgetting that scoring 1 goal in ~50 games does not mean you're as good as the world beater you went to school with who had an unsuccessful trial with Luton.

Of course you're going to be fecking shite compared to PL players. The thread is about whether you could score at least a goal, not about how much worse you would be as a player than others. Considering the exact circumstances that were proposed, it wouldn't be the most ridiculous thing to suggest a physically fit 25 y/o (say) with decent footballing ability could score a goal.
 
Stack said:
If we took a Stevenage striker from league two a division only a tiny percentage of Caf members could have ever hoped to have played for and put that stiker in as Utds striker for a season I would bet on them never scoring. They might score but it terms of betting odds those odds would make it a favourable bet.
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Totally disagree with this. United created chances and League 2 strikers like Le Fondre and Grant Holt have done well in the Prem. I think a mediocre League 2 striker still gets 3-4 goals over 35 starts for United. Rebounds, set pieces and crosses.
 
SirBobbysCombover said:
I'd be the equivalent of that Ali Diah chap, who convinced Graeme Souness while he was managing Southampton, to give him a trial as he was George Weahs cousin.

It would be a similar story in performing absolutely fecking shocking and booed off pitch as I lumber around, drenched in sweat, all right foot and zero pace,.
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Even after all these years I still find it incredible that was allowed to happen at Premier League level
 
Sad Chris said:
Just think of how many goals you could score with a big enough face...

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That's a massive face.
 
So many attacks would break down because of me standing in an offside position.
 
On a completely serious note, one would hope that Weghorst’s (a World Cup selected striker) lack of goalscoring would finally put this debate to bed, and that anyone who seriously believes they would stand a chance up front in professional football is utterly fecking deluded.
 
Honestly? I reckon I could get five. I think that one pre season and I'd be relatively up to speed fitness wise compare to most, play another sport international and I played to a relatively good level. Depends on many factors though due to teammates trust of you, if manager would play you or keep you on the bench. If you started every game over 60 games, then it changes it all.
 
Is this the RedCafe equivalent of "hold my beer"?

If I can't take penalties: 0
If I can take penalties: still 0
 
Now aged 40 I'd fancy myself to get at least double figures but the reality is after 5 minutes of each game, and despite being relatively quite fit, I would be needing to be subbed off due to the sheer intensity of professional football at the top level. A successful touch would be a result.

Hopefully would get an applause off the fans as I came off though.
 
Ajr said:
Honestly? I reckon I could get five. I think that one pre season and I'd be relatively up to speed fitness wise compare to most, play another sport international and I played to a relatively good level. Depends on many factors though due to teammates trust of you, if manager would play you or keep you on the bench. If you started every game over 60 games, then it changes it all.
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Basically, you fancy yourself to be better than Wout Weghorst.
 
Bwuk said:
If you've ever played football for a side, and then drawn a much better side in the cup or what not, you'd know yourself you have zero chance.

I don't think any Caf member would get 10 touches in game.
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this is bollocks btw. with everyone bunched up in the box at a corner, i’d easily get double figures in before the ref or police interfered.
 
I actually think my chances of assisting would be higher.

If I was allowed to roam freely in the opponent's half, never track back(I'd be done after 10 minutes), could play as much as I want and was miraculously able to not suffer any serious injuries, then I would get an assist eventually. I only have two assets: speed and precision. Give me 2 seconds to receive the ball and I will find Rashford running into space at one point. He'll do the rest.

And if that fails, winning a penalty counts as an assist right? :D Every fair challenge in the box would look like murder on my comparatively frail body. Surely a few refs would bite.
 
Most probably score feck all …..though if on Utd’s ridiculous payroll I’d at least try.
 
Are there people here who seriously think they could get more than maybe one or two extremely flukey goals??
 
Wp
Mmm-Qatarian said:
Are there people here who seriously think they could get more than maybe one or two extremely flukey goals??
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Wout shows the delusion of anyone that thinks they can do better.
That said... Wout is one of those players who is very effective at slightly lower level, but at the highest level his game really doesn't threaten.
 
Being honest one at most. Maybe being in the right place at the right time just pushing a dead ball from a lose ball from the keeper.

I don't think people actually realize how far us mortals are from professional players. I once played against a retired midfielder from the mexican league he was above class anyone I've played against. I couldn't get near the ball when he was protecting it, the way he read the field and controlled the tempo it was something else.

Now figuring active players on the premier league are way better than a retired player from a low league my conclusion is I wouldn't even be able to touch the ball.
 
0.

Aside from never being able to finish one half-time, let alone the whole 90 minutes, completely underestimate how fast the game is played and how good the shittest players are at this level.

The only time you'd touch the ball would be the kick-off.
 
Andriy Shevchenko has a 9 in 48 record for Chelsea.
Fernando Morientes has 8 in 41 for Liverpool.
Diego Forlan 10 in 60 for Manchester United.

Then there's the option of me being guarded by the likes of Maguire and Carragher.

If I can't take any penalties or free-kicks.

If I can be on the pitch all 90 minutes for each game during the season, regardless if it's Premier League, European competition, Domestic cups.

If all of this stacks in the proper way, the stars align perfectly and everything ricochet, loose ball, etc. goes my way.

I can wholeheartedly, without a doubt, like 100% confident in my abilities and self-evaluation can firmly state that my total goal tally at the end of the season will be:

0.
 
Ajr said:
Honestly? I reckon I could get five. I think that one pre season and I'd be relatively up to speed fitness wise compare to most, play another sport international and I played to a relatively good level. Depends on many factors though due to teammates trust of you, if manager would play you or keep you on the bench. If you started every game over 60 games, then it changes it all.
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:lol:

Jermain Defoe had seasons where he didn't get 5. Since i first posted in this thread i did a few seasons at semi pro and i know how far away i was from even the lowest level pro players never mind the PL. You might get one or two by sheer fluke of being in the right place when the ball drops, but to actually play your way to a goal? If you're not a pro somewhere already you've absolutely no chance.
 
If anyone says any more than 1 very flukey goal, they’re in denial.

I doubt 99% on this forum would be able to score more than 2 or 3 League 2 goals. Just remember how good that kid at school was who didn’t even make it as a professional.

Weghorst looks too slow to score, but in reality he’s probably faster than most on here.
 
Syphon Wallet said:
Wout shows the delusion of anyone that thinks they can do better.
That said... Wout is one of those players who is very effective at slightly lower level, but at the highest level his game really doesn't threaten.
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Yep. I'd have maybe 1 fluke goal in a season, while stinking up our attacking play much much much worse than Wout.
 
I think one after the ball smacks me in the face and goes in during a goal mouth scramble.

I do have a nice smile and am generally pleasant so the crowd would appreciate my efforts
 
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