The next time you hear a Daily Mail journalist moaning about the lack of access to England players, show them a copy of their paper’s hatchet job on England players in Wednesday’s edition of the paper. It is a hateful, spiteful attack. Nothing more, nothing less. It also appears in the news section of the paper.
Sometimes Mediawatch is presented with something so laughable that it’s impossible to swallow whole. With that in mind, Mediawatch presents the following lines from the piece. When reading each one, remember that the headline is ‘No wonder they’re losers’; these are presented as reasons for England’s failure.
On Wayne Rooney:
– ‘On Monday, he seemed preoccupied with his thinning hair (having spent £30,000 on a transplant). Said to have used a specialist spray to make his thatch look thicker during the match – because yesterday morning it looked very thin.’
– ‘While dating then girlfriend Coleen, he slept with a middle-aged prostitute in a backstreet brothel.’
– ‘Coleen was embroiled in a row over taking their eldest son out of school during term-time to watch the Euro 2016 matches.’
On Joe Hart:
– ‘Major blunders to let in goals against Wales and Iceland have led fans to wonder if he is mentally focused – not just worrying about keeping his hair tidy on the pitch.’
– ‘Wife Kimberly Crew, 34, a beautician whose eponymous range of products has been featured on shopping channel QVC.’
On Chris Smalling:
– ‘Glamour model Sam Cooke, 31, once took part in a competition to find the ‘best b**** in Britain’. Sam regularly posts scantily clad images of herself online.’
On Raheem Sterling:
– ‘Became a father at the age of 17 after a brief relationship. Accused of pushing a girlfriend out of a car in a row over a text message but he was cleared in court.’
On Dele Alli:
– ‘His girlfriend, Ruby Mae, seemed to spend much of Monday night’s defeat preening herself in the stands – showing off her low-cut, shorts-style playsuit.’
On Adam Lallana:
– ‘Has been posting pictures online of products such as the cosmetic brand Nivea – for which he is the ‘public’ face – and appearing in endless TV adverts for sports brand Puma.’
On Kyle Walker:
– ‘Has endorsed the violent computer game Call Of Duty.’
On Jamie Vardy:
– ‘Rebekah has two children from a previous relationship. Vardy met her in a nightclub when she was working as a party planner. Rebekah’s Euro 2016 diary appeared in The Sun newspaper and she has her own agent.’
On Jack Wilshere:
– ‘Fans said he was drunk during an Arsenal victory parade last year.’
– ‘Dumped the mother of his two young children. Joined in France by selfie-obsessed fiancee Andriani Michael, 25.’
Mediawatch agrees that it was probably Ruby Mae’s playsuit, Call of Duty and Liverpool’s Nivea adverts that cost England. It’s all about marginal gains.
