The Redcafe Novel

redcafe's spastic authors collective said:
On the Whistlethorpe, a spastic caressable nipple runs around. Shit-wet fart eggs taste eggy but fartish and jam toast; however, smells divine!! When Nazi bastards wank, scousers swallow their loads and knock Namliam's dwarves into small penises. How Snoopy has dicovered many ruddy spastic artifacts (M.r.s.a ???- Editor), and the discarded pox Diarra snapped hard and died shortly threafter, only pangolin scousers know. Then, huge piles of frankly fermenting all-star orange slabs burst into flames, fermented by farting sluts squatting daintily on Noodlehair's face and dick regions. He swallowed love's tangy cock kippers, smelling horrendously of, well, kippers.

Dr. Do/Don't did then service an excited aardvark, and, whilst blowing donkeys, he undertook deep throating and fisting and rimming.

Dolphins and seals ominously approach Godfather. Geothermal heated seats exaggerate cellulite explosions in parallel buttocks; incidentally, many anal Leeds Utd. fans enjoy watching just that.

Relegation; however, tears at Rafa.

Lipstick mistakenly killed innocents, and defiantly denied hob-nobs looked on dodgily as fanny wet oranges wanked furiously over said throbbing cucumbers.

Priests fondle bibles religiously, searching ad nauseum. Forlorn Forlan (Diego, that is – Ed.) nailed a hat-trick, while Dippers cried “Offside!” Jerzy Dudek, dodgy todger sucker that he is, craved Forlan’s skills. In Chappaquiddick, blowjobs are delivered grumpily, like piles or your mum’s toenail.

There is not only bondage in a whorehouse, but KY jellied minges, too. Manatees shagging opossums bump and grind wildly, like pangolins licking Kristjan’s fanny and nipple.

The erector of flaccid peni collapsed; a post man in Los Angeles shared twenty torn condoms and moonshine with spastic moderators who masturbate endlessly over Guv’nor Gaz’s various porno collection, which, incidentally,contains Freddy’s spastic mother Jade, who cried rape because she diddled furiously with rusty Lee, who rimmed sheep secretly behind the barn where pixies fed Molby, the talking wallaby.

Rectums puckered whilst Noodle and some random Babylonians brushed elephants seductively.

Spoony sprayed vitriol and jizz on your spread willy. True to form, Noodle’s 10-incher retreated from your mum into your dad’s carrot filled rectum. Afterwards, ciderman9000000 and Noel Edmunds’ tintinabulations romped with bugger-bums. Afterwards, they spooned lovingly, whilst Rooney protested granny’s rights.

Meanwhile, Dr. Dwayne filtered through the shady pages of porno to find Noodles molesting giraffes, who also reciprocated. Then, Jesus smote his big catamaran whilst Ally McCoist masturbated over Sue Barber wearing PVC buttless chaps. Soonafter, the faceless cat-dog-monster exhumed carbon-dioxide from Stephen Hawking’s pile of manure. Suddenly, inflated blow-up dolls fired dildoes from Wrexham because Shevchenko had swollen balls. He inserted AIDS into Noods in monkey’s suitcases before Elvis left, his curious George kitten’s pussy licking Drogba and Mourihno. Jimmy Bullard complained furiously again.

Later they ballooned a life-sized Peter Kenyon head of boobies; however, knickers were pulled off, moist and pungent with “Wembly”.

Nevertheless, the motherfecker’s sold all the hamburgers without sexual tomatoes (boobies – Ed.) Rape was at the pinnacle of Mt. Fuji, cocks were in demand at Anfield but DJS wanted Turkish “uncles” massaging his quivering squirrels with lube, said squirrels made orgasmic pulsations slowly, whilst fingering murky Ethiopian butt holes. Islamic rapists, meanwhile, prowled Ipswich, as EspadaYdaga undressed Gerrard.

Suresh probes deep with flowers that insert up secret passages. Jimmy Osmund blows balloons, intending to amuse transvestite Norwegian pigs, as leprechauns at the whirlpool “Glazer” watched tenaciously. Kenyon, hoping to catch eels instead caught herpes. Burst silicone mammary taste, spilled forth occasionally on match days

Meanwhile, at Satan’s boudoir, Keely rubbed slippery baby oil moderately over her trifle and suddenly trffids sprouted around vines along with hairy moustachioed oranges depicting crucifixions. Phil Mitchell looked bewildered and pensive orphans, in sweaty Obi-Mikel buttocks, sat perched nervously as twitching Shittu, frantically screaming, ran manically towards Kenyon. Hartlepool, wielding monkeys, out-discriminates against midgets with ginger beer. Saddam was disembowelled by Smurfs, who gnawed thoughtfully upon Lampard’s and Drogba’s sickly ankles. Owls fecked swans, resulting in Swowls. Dildos hurt prostitutes.
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redcafe's spastic authors collective said:
“Stop Bellamy’s sister” he thought. “Everybody’s excited…crazy cat-keepers.”

Meanwhile, peg-legged celebrity wannabe (Ed.) wank artist (Ed.) Heather Mills ( I won’t sully the good name McCartney – Ed.), hopped furiously backwards, searching for spuriously colossal life-forms chanting “Is it feck, Mourhino, is it, feck?”

Your dirty spastic son videos children daily. Wenger watched as Thierry Henry inserted his tiny dildo into Kanu. Meanwhile, Crouch, psychedelic and queer, fondled may dead ferrets. Hitler jumped on masturbated generals shouting, “Take cocaine intraveniously!”

Goat-man, breathing helium, squeaked “Goat-maaannn”

Cabbage-face never understood Goat-man.

Pleasure was encouraged by perverts. Abysmal Wenger slashed Ghandi’s sandals because he couldn’t afford to romp bisexually deranged iguanas.

Integrity is taken far too seriously on redcafe.net (now you’re writing my lines, feck! – Ed.) Geebs needs pixies brains to satisfy the Kippax Kid’s sheer lust. Spacehomos buggered Gerrard. Suddenly, Dean Windass found Noodlehair’s stump dildo nastily sticking between Alex Van Halen’s (I had to choose one –Ed.) testicles and buttocks, smelling dry and rotting like dead Diana. Charles felched everybody naughtily; “Cadbury’s got nothing on this!” he cried with glee. Gerrard’s love-fist ached from the slathered fluids of Jenna’s fanny-rash stubble.

Aneka Rice wanted Rebecca Loos beheaded because Jonothan Woss slobberdashed her growler. Gremlins metamorphisized. Mourhino called, “Look! There’s you, shitting over my bungalow.”

Viagara doesn’t help Stevie Wonder anymore so the artist sprayed paint over brewlio’s grandma’s big hermaphrodite penis. Murderers unleashed chinchillas into Hades. Unknowingly, said murderers stepped on fish flaps coated in cockjuice flavoured bubble-gum. Murderers of mole-people threads should transfer gimps & my knob into their mouths often; sideways, backwards and upside down.

The turkey baster, surprisingly, basted someone delivering Ballonless’s rectums pizza they had ordered. Marcosdeto’s oranges were both promptly and conveniently ripened. Sweetly sucked by Noodlehair, his spastic balls exploded all over his mommy’s eyes. She gulped, screamed & enjoyed his huge dildo’s vibratory pleasure function, moaning loudly. She screamed “Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, yes!!”

A whale-sized Lego piece & pendulous (low swinging – Ed.) labia quivered viscously, anticipating bulbous chilli_pepper’s toenail within. Extra lube was required to penetrate Drogba’s pussy. Noodle’s diahorrea smeared, underpants wore away from a mandolin named RedCanadian Bullard, carrying a pangolin, wearing fllipers and waterwings. They ate cannoili wotsits while stalking pangolins.

Later, Noodle shat on a muffet covered in a sheepskin shagging pile of cockneys. Violently, scouse dogs consequently began sledging on Warne, as well as pissing blood-stained apples (ow! – Ed.)

Lazy Dippers dove into dumpsters. Mr T., undercover of pants, swallowed the juicy pubes of that cnut Des O’Connor, who transubstantiated poo-lips. Pitied bananas are yellow, lies are deviously shrouded by biscuits, chocolate biscuits, the tastiest kind. Everywhere he could, Goat-man went medieval on President Spoony, who spooned Hillary Clinton.
“It’s cuuurtains for you, Spoony!” bayed Goat-man.

With swingers, Robbo licked hairy breasts. Blake386 drooled passionately over Vidic’s right nostril.

“Shabadoo, shabadoo, shabadoo!” cried Cabbage-face forlornly as he jumped to his doom, still never quite understanding the true meaning of Goat-man’s braying.

Incidentally, pseudo-scientific rapists eat moosecock, exclaiming “Can you slap Jade, please?” Later, she bullied Wenger, causing Fabregas to probe Wenger up the nostrils with pubes. Plucked carrots from Rafa’s left ear were seducing Noodles with rakes.

Suddenly, from Grimsby way, Torres’ rectum roared “you kinky plasterer, kaboom, McAboom.” Apparently, skidmarks taste extremely salty during spring and menstruation. The study of molluscs (yes Hectic, malacology – Ed.) means many that sprout erections diolve into natural stone tiling (yes, Hectic, terzetto – Ed.) rapidly. Stardust flies over, like buttocks breached by Brazilian dildoes. Self-sacrifice that, incidentally, whimpers “self-destruct” in a manner akin to Cabbage-face’s now infamous last words…

A certain type of Turkish sword (yes, Hectic, Yataghan – Ed.) is homophobic because a gargantuan betrothment rimmed womb-spiders across Anfield.
Anal mucosity interfered, leaking into Aardvak’s composition (yes, hectic, graphoidea –Ed.). Insect cries (yes, Hectic, fritiniancy – Ed.) rotated, like the circumbendius nature of flushed dihorrea. Linguacious (“of the tongue” feck off, Hectic - Ed.) palpitations, like downs syndrome’s impenetrability, defy shallops and their watery home. Democracy is well-bred gynecologists.

Hectic spewed shit McCoy’s. Blair bludgeoned Cameron blatantly while poking bell-slime up Humpty’s big Venezuelan bi-sexual arsehole. Gringo was wrapped, rimming Noel Edmunds’ bearded clam. Glam rocker Gary Glitter is embarking, painfully decapitating marsupials in an Austrailian edition of SPIN magazine.

The piss-whiskers caressed lobsters, which reciprocated causing socio-pathy.

Meanwhile, down below the boardwalk, Noodles (not Thai noodles) with spermicide between wooden chopsticks, looking Woody Woopecker-ish, placed bugs in softwares. Strewn panties dropped fart spray. “Pu-u--uke on her quivering butt-hole” was Goat-man’s scintillating command. Then, she squeezed out information and marcos’ oranges. Pluto licked monkey ass clean.

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redcafe's spastic authors collective said:
Rumplestiltskin was fuzzy-faced after pert violated him and became a ghost that fellated fellas all over God’s faces covered creation. Beyond that, Espada and some Gorillas journeyed, non-sexually, through shitloads of bush.
“Blow me, feck my tits and sperm all over them! Excellent.”
“Shall we continue?” said Espada.
“Minge, so deep and wet…like fluffy bunnies” was the reply.
“Gay-boy” said Espada.

Colonic irrigation left Noodles filled with wonder. Dr. Dwayne, editor (erm…that’s Bob Rimme, lads, Bob Rimme – Ed.) of caftards spasticated, potentially incriminating tales, was busy accusing Wibble of cruelty against otters.

Incidentally, pangolins raised baby water buffaloes, as porcupines danced naked, the hope filled cnuts.

EspadaYdaga is interested in fellating King Kong, while King Kong fellates Tarzan, who furiously rims Bono. Suddenly, Rambo shat metaphorically on marcosdeto's head, which caused the creation of acidified seeds resembling sweaty nipples every Thursday.

Voluptous midgets succumbed affably to SmallPaul, who rubbed sausage-meat onto banana bread that was covered in delicious, juicy creamed cream.

A dark skinned Nosferatu look-alike, wearing a chavvy tracksuit and fly trainers journeyed towards greasy cuntos filled underpants. The deranged Colombian married this one and together they ate anal cum while wearing mystical shoes, sparkly and gay, the Colombian’s titties bouncing up and down, up and down slapping, squirting and bursting milkiness all over Shearer’s wife’s lovely flaps, all pink, furry and moist.

Later, rednev shagged pangolins with butter, smeared 1 ½ inches thick. He wasn’t penetrating, but rather fantasizing about doing just that.

When taken daily, Viagra causes your nose-hair to noodle up, all the while cascading gracefully inwards. Prostitutes in thong panties welcome catholic girls into paraplegic study groups, where they fellate meaty, brawny hubcaps. Orangutans cuddle with Dick Chaney’s balls, balls that are filled with zoophilia. The dastardly scrotum was then nailed to Ashburton Grove, now forever known as “Dashed Scrotum’s Cove.” It bled necrophilia into the windy wilds of London and Mormons shat liquid profusely in clear celebration of the event.

Caftards love animals; some more than others, spooning gorillas while masturbating onto their silver backs, now white as a winter’s morn, or the roof of the Queen of Warrington Free-Shed.

In Xanadu Goat-Man wanked Christopher Reeve’s hairy corpse and Grandpa Simpson imploded into biscuits. Shit was everywhere. Snufalopagus Bummed Big Bird who counted Goat-Man’s testicles and milked Luke Chadwick’s prostate. Gay-ass Marcos caused anal ejaculation and was feltching Brussels sprouts whilst spontaneously defecating lasagna. Red Canadian shoved ice cream flavoured dildo’s viciously into the vaginas of potatoes. Mahoney ate spaghetti that was vomiting carbonara sauce all night. Meanwhile Mourinho rimmers swallowed cum then Blair fisted himself frantically during Sunday morning mass. However, he was slurping intestinal slurpees made by gigantic sperm-banks and dry oranges.

Freak show’s travel in Narnia with hot tub rubber duckies. Sucky spuds expertly weaved condoms manipulated into baboons wearing Liverpool shirts. They murdered themselves in shame. Also ole_gunner rules gays. Cockless caftards ravaged namely Gregorian nubile monks, infidels, porn-stars, and eunuchs in satin. The vile scouse hermaphrodite ole_gunner masturbated until chimapanzees shat whippy monkey juice towards his grandfather’s mouth. Ukelele playing bastards eloped to Uganda where Canadians frolicked and smashed Welsh spastics with lubricant yeti circles.

The races on foot happened while Bitters can’t take booze and anal-ized buggerers. They concluded scousers anal munchers. Fatties reside in device’s codpieces made of knob cheese. Jade Goody sweats where the buttock’s hole widens expectantly, anticipating Sol Campbell. Quasimodo was bent due to excessive flossing with pubes from his steamy crotch. Unconcious, Brewlio counteracted anally, Argentinians reluctantly waltzed across Columbian spastics. “Thread” said some muppet, while Devilish sucked your meat and breathed halitosis over the evil doughnut cream villain who stole Christmas. Santa yelled “Mrs. Claus, the end of the road leads to the batcave”. Batman called marcos “dick” and “cockaholic”.

Wenger fiddles with Goat-Man’s beard and fluffy muff. Arsene is arsified because Henry likes sucking tampons soaked with marmalade flavoured marmalade. Cesc made marmalade butties and stuffed pies up Wenger’s overused spatulas covered with Balloonless’s rectal juice. Wanker Wenger wanks Cashley Cole until Henry explodes over his tongue, oral cavities, and warm mouth, which a tart found enjoyable.

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