Matchstick Man – Tales from the Lowry Hotel
I look out my hotel window and what do I see?
I see the reflection of great man who has won Three titles for Chelsea.
Titles in three leagues and I know that I am right to have ordered the scampi from the room service menu once again!
As always the media have their stories about me…the special one and they make many columns talking about me and my team. As Eggs is eggs I break their shells in every press conference with my explanations of what failures I inherited and how to make it better by spending more.
Some fools have said I should work with what I have; but was Michelangelo asked to work with Johnstones paint and a wallpaper brush? NO! I shall speak with the team on Tuesday after they have done their running around and will explain to them my golden rules of football once again.
- The team that scores will have just received the ball, so let them have it all the time
- I demand heart, passion and no mistakes on the pitch, otherwise I will tell your mama
- If we absolutely must have to keep the ball, smash it up to Fellaini
- Scoring goals is easy. Just pass it to the striker guy
- I’ve won many things so You must be wrong
No the media is like my Scampi – overpriced and a little greasy, but better than going out into town and meeting other people.
These pundits say I have lost my team and the fans but they are specialists in dementia. They have forgotten more than I know. Many of our fans are leaving their seats early in games, honouring me and how I shake hands and leave a game when we are winning. They respect me so much they do it when we are drawing against Southampton!
As I drink another glass of Mateus Rose I realise that some football club owners are like a good hotel manager and others should not run a B&B in your Blackpools!
A good Hotel manager knows when to close the door and when to let a young Toby sneak upto your room for a tete-a-tete about zonal marking! But a bad hotel manager is all about the big sign outside – “All rooms with TV” but when you get into the room - only 7 freeview channels and no “special–one-on-one time” movie channel!
I know the fans support me – many of them last night were repeating my gesture to the Juventus fans! They showed me fingers in support! Some though not be aware of how many titles! I must remind people of that again sometimes!
Ah well – Next stop Paris – what are good hotel there?
J M