Some of you lot need to have a word with yourselves....christ!
Film Star Wars
- Thread starter girish
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He did and didn't. EU canon he lives, George Lucas specifically states that for the purpose of movie canon he's dead as disco (source is Return of the Jedi directors commentary)
So I did watch Attack of the Clones last night... here we go:
Thing is, there's some stuff I like about this film... Coruscant looks nice, Count Dooku is actually a decent villain, I quite like all the Jedi coming together at the end, some of the set-pieces are good fun... and yet, with all the Anakin and Padme stuff here, I find it impossible to say that this is a good movie. Because in those scenes, you have the very worst scenes from the entire Star Wars cannon.
Also, can someone (@Revan ?) explain to me what Darth Sidious plan for this film was? because on the face of it, it looks like the most convoluted plan ever...
- Right, so it had been a few years since I watched Attack of The Clones... in this time period, I think I forgot that this could actually be the most poorly written major motion picture in cinema history. The writing of this film is, in short, utterly and absolutely horrendous... I'd say it's stuff a 12 year old would write, but then I think a 12 year old would probably do a better job.
- I could point to pretty much any scene that involves Anakin and Padme to illustrate this, but I'll pick one example... and that's Anakin actually says the line "I wish I could just wish my feelings away" ... What the feck is that? Horrible, that's what it is.
- George Lucas does not do subtelty... one of the very first lines is "There was no danger at all!"... well, I wonder what's going to happen next? Oh, and the fake queen's death is hilarious - as if Lucas said "Right - you now need to demonstrate you are dead, feel free to overact" - still it's not the worst death in this film
- I don't like how these films painted the Jedi to be idiots... 'cos that's what they are, fecking idiots. Queens ship blows up... "We think it was disgruntled space minors" ... how wrong can you be man? What shit intel are you getting? At least they could say, "we're trying to find out..." or something like that, but no, let's just make them plain wrong
- Speaking of idiotic Jedi decisions... let's send Anakin, who is clearly infatuated with Padme, to look after her... yep, that'll work a treat. You'd think Obi Wan would have maybe spoken up about it... or even just waved his hands around in a THATS NOT A GOOD IDEA fashion
- What's with all the Jedi mad bantz is this film? In the elevator (Nest of Gundarks!), in the speeder, when facing death by weird animals... these guys gots jokes yo. Unfortunately not good ones.
- "Why do I feel you're going to be the death of me?" - Subtle George... subtle.
- "A Toxic Dart" - No shit Obi Sherlock Kenobi. I didn't quite grasp it's toxic nature when it killed the person....
- Ahhhh the scene with Dex... I love this scene... because it's so bad, it's great. "HELLO DEX, YOU cnut" is what Obi Wan basically says, and there they are, the old friends. Why are they old friends? Why does he own an American Diner? (Why is there an American Diner in Star Wars?!) Where did they meet? Did they go travelling together on Obi Wan's gap year? I totally want to see this origins story.... "But what do you mean Dex!... you old bastard you...."
- Why does Padme love Anakin? It is totally unfeesible, she is a mature, intelligent woman, and he's an immature, brat (and is painted as such in this film) All he does is whineg or act like a massive creep... and that's attractive to her?
- "I Killed them all... the women... the children" .... "I love you Anakin" ... alright then.
- She can't be that intelligent mind, she handed over her power to Jar Jar fecking Binks... a character of which the first film clearly went at lengths to point out - is a massive idiot.
- Onto Anakin, sorry, but the boy is an absolute psychopath. He can't bare to not be around her? He can't breath? He stares at her with rapey eyes, he inappropriately touches her... Rapist.
- Oh and he hates sand... of course... which you know, growing up on a planet made up entirely of sand meant he must have had a miserable childhood.
- Uncle Owen's Dad in the wheelchair "I don't want to give up on her"... a minute later "Face it son, she's dead" ... way to not give up on her.
- Onto the worst death in this film -Anakin's mother, who goes from perfectly coherant and very much alive to over exaggerated death in the space of a minute. What the feck.
- Obi Wan is utterly terrible at being stealthy - Also, it's a good job Yoda and Windu were just sat around when he skyped in... I'd like to think they were in the middle of an intense game of 20 questions.
- Getting 3 monsters to try and kill people - 2 of which are Jedi's - seems like the most bloody inefficent way of going about things - and is again, pretty idiotic of Count Dooku.
- Finally - my friend suggested this film would have been better if it was Count Duckula instead of Count Dooku... I can't really argue with that.
Thing is, there's some stuff I like about this film... Coruscant looks nice, Count Dooku is actually a decent villain, I quite like all the Jedi coming together at the end, some of the set-pieces are good fun... and yet, with all the Anakin and Padme stuff here, I find it impossible to say that this is a good movie. Because in those scenes, you have the very worst scenes from the entire Star Wars cannon.
Also, can someone (@Revan ?) explain to me what Darth Sidious plan for this film was? because on the face of it, it looks like the most convoluted plan ever...
Sidious's plan is basically to engineer enough instability in the galaxy so that he can be voted an increasing amount of power so that eventually he can basically just declare himself in charge for life. It's the final bit that pisses me off - in ROTS there is literally a scene where he goes 'right well the Jedi have attempted to assassinate me, so in response we're cancelling democracy and I'm in charge of the universe for life, alright?'.
So basically he's in charge of the Trade Federation in the Phantom Menace (we don't really know how or why) and gets them in invade Naboo so that he can call a vote of no confidence in Valorum. Then he's in charge of the Separatists in Attack of the Clones, who he gets to mobilise an army so that he can be voted emergency powers and stay in office past his term.
Also the elevator scene at the start is fecking terrible - Attack of the Clones biggest sin, apart from bad acting, bad writing and an overreliance on gimmicky CGI scenes, is that it tells the audience too much and doesn't show them. In the directors commentary Lucas literally says that the first Jedi scene is meant to be them walking into her apartment, but during the editing process he realised that Obi Wan and Anakin basically spend the entire film snarking at eachother so he got the actors back to add the elevator scene so they could tell us what good friends they are and how they've had all of these amazing adventures together, instead of showing us that.
The perfect example is Anakin's feelings for Padme. I'd argue it would be enough that we're shown that he has feelings for her - for example the argument he gets into with Obi Wan about putting down their dropship so he can go and see if she's alright instead of fighting Dooku, or his insistence that they investigate the attacks on her instead of merely protecting her (and his general fawning over her the entire film). AND THEN we also get battered over the head with stupidity like the "I can't breathe" line, him just randomly telling Jar Jar from no where that he's thought about her every day for 10 years, and stupid shit like that.
fecking show us George, don't tell us.
So basically he's in charge of the Trade Federation in the Phantom Menace (we don't really know how or why) and gets them in invade Naboo so that he can call a vote of no confidence in Valorum. Then he's in charge of the Separatists in Attack of the Clones, who he gets to mobilise an army so that he can be voted emergency powers and stay in office past his term.
Also the elevator scene at the start is fecking terrible - Attack of the Clones biggest sin, apart from bad acting, bad writing and an overreliance on gimmicky CGI scenes, is that it tells the audience too much and doesn't show them. In the directors commentary Lucas literally says that the first Jedi scene is meant to be them walking into her apartment, but during the editing process he realised that Obi Wan and Anakin basically spend the entire film snarking at eachother so he got the actors back to add the elevator scene so they could tell us what good friends they are and how they've had all of these amazing adventures together, instead of showing us that.
The perfect example is Anakin's feelings for Padme. I'd argue it would be enough that we're shown that he has feelings for her - for example the argument he gets into with Obi Wan about putting down their dropship so he can go and see if she's alright instead of fighting Dooku, or his insistence that they investigate the attacks on her instead of merely protecting her (and his general fawning over her the entire film). AND THEN we also get battered over the head with stupidity like the "I can't breathe" line, him just randomly telling Jar Jar from no where that he's thought about her every day for 10 years, and stupid shit like that.
fecking show us George, don't tell us.
I love your reviews AN! 
My favourite part in Attack of the Clones is the dialogue between Anakin and Padme when they arrive on Naboo and he goes on about hating sand and she tells a lovely story about her lovely childhood when she took lovely swims to a lovely island or something. It's one of the worst dialogues I've had to witness in a 'major' film, it's really awful.
My favourite part in Attack of the Clones is the dialogue between Anakin and Padme when they arrive on Naboo and he goes on about hating sand and she tells a lovely story about her lovely childhood when she took lovely swims to a lovely island or something. It's one of the worst dialogues I've had to witness in a 'major' film, it's really awful.
I get the over-reaching plan - I don't really follow his specific plan for this army he had made. From what I can gather, he wanted the Jedi to discover the army - that he did a pretty good job of hiding from them - and force them into a battle with the Trade Federation - which only happens due to captured Jedi??
There was probably a smoother plan he had in his head... but fecked if I know what it was!
I love your reviews AN!
My favourite part in Attack of the Clones is the dialogue between Anakin and Padme when they arrive on Naboo and he goes on about hating sand and she tells a lovely story about her lovely childhood when she took lovely swims to a lovely island or something. It's one of the worst dialogues I've had to witness in a 'major' film, it's really awful.
To be fair to the boy... it does get EVERYWHERE!
He probably vaccumed a lot when he was a kid.
You're right, he's got a point and addressed it when no one else really did, you have to admit. Kudos to him.And thanks for the image, I can imagine the bol headed kid of Phantom Menace hoovering around his shitty house and grumbling about sand whilst his mother was being all pure and nice and gentle and telling him to be thankful for the sand for some reason or another.
I love your reviews AN!
My favourite part in Attack of the Clones is the dialogue between Anakin and Padme when they arrive on Naboo and he goes on about hating sand and she tells a lovely story about her lovely childhood when she took lovely swims to a lovely island or something. It's one of the worst dialogues I've had to witness in a 'major' film, it's really awful.
That is awful, but the scene where they sit in front of the fire place and he proclaims his love for her is atrocious. Lucas could have hired a screen writer from Days of our Lives and it would have improved the scene. I think that is the low point for me.
There are a shit load of other stuff that I have failed to mention (you could devote paragraphs to each individual Anakin/Padme scene about how shit it is) including the shoe-horning in of Boba/Jango Fett (Who by the way, is a bounty hunter that hires OTHER PEOPLE to kill for him... what a shit bounty hunter) to seemingly appease fan boys, The Changeling who did not benefit in any way from being a changling - and thus didn't really need to be one, the fact that Rose Byrne is in this movie, the weird noise Yoda makes when he fights, etc. etc. etc.
Rose Byrne is in Star Wars?!
Yeah, she's part of the Queens entourage and has about 2 lines of dialogue.
There's one other thing I forgot to mention - Anakin and Padme get married. WHY!? What great benefit is there to this? Do they get excellent tax benefits because he's away with work a lot. I hope they don't have to officially register this super fecking secret relationship anywhere either... morons.
What are these films you're on about? Fan films or something? Lucas only made those 3 classic star wars films!
The whole dinner in front of the fire thing is absolutely atrocious - and really fecking stupid. From the start of the movie, basically, Padmé keeps telling him that they can't be together, that their lives are too different and shit - well dear lady, newsflash for you: you don't go to romantic fireplace-lit dinners wearing a dress that has only purpose and that is to emphasise your ample breasts and tender skin if you only want to be friends.
Their whole lovey-dovey thing is so contrived, it's awful. As AN said, there's absolutely no reason why they should fall in love and the whole thing is just not credible at all.
Good stuff. This film is poorly written but it's got this mindless action fun which many people like. Should only be a part of a Star Wars film, not the best thing about it.
Some points. I don't think Padme is supposed to be smart at all. She's a teenager. What teenagers are smart. Anakin is a bad boy considering what Jedi's are like. Girls like bad boys. She's horny as hell and makes stupid decisions because, well, she's a teenager. The Stark kids get a lot of flack as well but people forget how old they are and what they've been through. Most people would simply crack under this pressure.
One thing that you haven't mentioned (if I remember this correctly) is the accent Anakin's mother has. How come they talk so differently? I thought her character was poorly done and I basically cheered when she died and Anakin went on a killing rampage.
Don't you think he hates sand because he grew up there? I think the fact that he was a slave is more miserable than the sand part.
The monster bit was for show. Gladiator style. They didn't expect tons of Jedis and stormtroopers to appear. The monsters being killed was probably expected. Maybe one of them would die. That would be ok. Mainly, it was for show.
People are too harsh on Attack of the Clones. It's about 100 times better than The Phantom Menace although still 100 times worse than the 3rd one which I forget the name of.
And that 3rd one is 100 times worse still than any single one from the original trilogy.
But I'd rather watch the 2nd one twice than the 1st one once.
And that 3rd one is 100 times worse still than any single one from the original trilogy.
But I'd rather watch the 2nd one twice than the 1st one once.
I don't remember this film too well, but just off the top of my head:
- When the jedi all turned up at the end, why did they arrive before their own army (in fact, HOW did they even manage to do this?) and then jump into the middle of an arena where they could be easily outnumbered and surrounded? Why not just, you know, turn up with the army, or some kind of remotely sensible strategy, or at least all come in from the same side of the arena so they had an escape route? Do you have to be a retard to be a jedi?
- Why didn't the clone army and Yoda, after turning up later than the rest of the jedi for some reason, just disable or destroy all of the federation ships first? Since this seemed to be their only priority anyway. Yet they didn't start trying to blow any shit up until it had already started flying off.
- Who decides which clones are in charge of the other clones? How do they not get mixed up when they don't have their uniform on? Does it even matter? What do they spend their free time doing when they're not marching around killing things?
- That scene where all the aliens are sitting around a meeting table discussing things in their own languages, with subtitles. Can the aliens all see the subtitles too then?
- So Dooku sent a hired assasin to kill the hired assasin in case the hired assasin failed to assasinate the person they were hired to assasinate? Does he work for the Government?
- Why do Skywalker and Obi Wan both spend the entire film acting like complete arseholes?
- Droids are also idiots. All they do is march around really slowly in tightly packed clusters. Humans stopped doing this after the first world war because it tends to result in being shot to death very easily.
- How do the droid army always manage to look confused with what it is they're doing when they don't even have proper faces?
- Why are the secret plans for the death star just laying around on the opposite side of the Universe to the Chancellor in the first place. Why did they need to be there? Why is there only one copy which can't simply be destroyed when it's clearly electronic?
- What was generally going on in this film? I had trouble paying attention. I didn't understand why there was a clone army at all or why the Jedi were just allowed to borrow it all of a sudden.
The Phantom Menace is the greatest, the world will see sense one day.
She'd have to be in her mid-twenties surely if she's a teenager in Episode I.
She was queen from 13-21 and senator from 21-27. I don't remember which one she was in AotC.
Why when the clones are eating do they have nothing on their plates?
What happens if two of the clones enter into a same sex relationship with each other?
Brokeback Tauntaun
Would you rather watch the second one 99 times rather than Phantom Menace?
Depends, they are all the same so if they are very narcissistic I guess they are in for a LOT of fun
Superb - especially the one in bold. And yes, this film definitely shows you have to be a complete retard to be a jedi - or at the very least, a total moron.You should have been here for The Phantom Menace last week Noods!
That's next week....
All I rember from the 3rd ones now are the bad bits.
That love scene in the fields is possibly the worst scene in the history of film!
I liked the third one.
So you remember the whole film then?
I'm not sure. I remember it being a lot better than AotC but now I don't remember much of it. The fight scene where anikin got cut in two was pretty good,
Best part of this film is the seismic charge in the asteroid field.
I like how the most feared and powerful Jedi has the pet name 'Annie'
All I remember about that film was "you can't win, I have the high ground" and thinking...what?
Only because of the funny sound it made.
He was referring to the moral highground.
I was more confused by the line "only a sith deals in absolutes" I mean, was he absolutely sure about that?
He really isn't a very good writer. He can do story outlines, but not actual screenplays. They're way too complicated for him. The one good Star Wars wasn't written or directed by him.
I think he meant it literally. Let's be honest he was actually on higher ground at the time.
He definitely meant slightly higher ground. As in, he was about 2 feet higher. Has no one ever been on a small mound and won a Jedi fight before? Is that their big weakness? Small hills.
No he was definitely referring to the moral highground. You can tell because he's wearing a beard