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Drop the mic, and walk away.
I hope he'll say: "Evans and Rafael have recovered from their injuries and should be fit and healthy for the City game. Rooney is also ready to play, especially after he destroyed the training session drills with flying colours. He's found a new technique of scoring from 50 yards out with his back to goal.
So yeah, on the whole we have a fully fit squad going into the City game, minus Fletcher of course who will definitely be making a full recovery by the start of next season.
Oh by the way, I've signed Bale and Gundogan for a total fee of £10million. Toodles!".
Nah, let him tell the world they won't make the game and then spring them both on CityI hope he will say that both Rafael and Rooney are fit.
"Wayne and Rafa have started training this morning," stated Sir Alex. "Which is good news.
"Hopefully, they will be fine by Monday. Jonny Evans and Nemanja Vidic are not there yet but, hopefully, they will start training maybe tomorrow or Saturday morning. We have a little bit of time on our hands to get most of the troops ready for the game."
"It's a derby game with a difference from a few years ago," explained the boss at his press conference. "We have to get used to playing Manchester City in big games and that's the case again.
"The important thing is to win Monday's game. It'll be a big game for City. They'll want to come and derail us for a spell. We're at home and our consistency is there for all to see. I expect us to perform really well on Monday.
"We have to congratulate our players on their consistency - to win 25 out of 30 games is a record and should be applauded. It's fantastic. But we've still got to win the title. We have eight games left and that's 24 points to play for.
The way we've approached things is the correct way and that's to win the next game. Hopefully, it takes us to winning the league. It doesn't matter what people say outside of the club, it's about what we think inside the club. We're always looking to do our best. It's been a good season for us."
Why press conference today?
- On the injury front, Sir Alex reveals Ashley Young will miss "maybe two weeks" after limping off against Manchester City. He got "a sore whack on his ankle". Elsewhere, Nemanja Vidic will hopefully start training today, while Chris Smalling has "started running this week". Jonny Evans has trained this week, though, which should help ease any defensive worries.
- Paul Scholes should return to first-team training "on Monday". Sir Alex says he's "been out for a few weeks now and will need a bit of training with us".
- On the Stoke game: "It's always a difficult place to go... but we have a job to do. Stoke have a great support, probably one of the noisiest in the league."
- Sir Alex also reflects on Monday's derby defeat. He maintains "there was nothing between the two teams". City had the better of the first half, he says, while United edged the second.
- On the introduction of goal-line technology to the Premier League in 2013/14: "It had to happen. It's time football caught up."
“I’m hoping Vida will start training today," Sir Alex told reporters. “Jonny Evans has trained this week, which is better news than we had building up to Monday’s game.
"Ashley Young is out – he got a sore whack on his ankle and is maybe out for two weeks. Other than that, we're in good shape in terms of player availability.
“Chris Smalling started running this week and Paul Scholes will start training with the first-team on Monday. He’s done a fair bit in the last week or so and it will be a terrific boost to get his football intelligence back in the squad. He's been out for a few weeks now so he’ll need a good bit of training with us.
"You know you’re always going to get a hard game at Stoke. That will never change."
"We have a job to do," stated Sir Alex. "The incentives are there for ourselves in the sense of we've only got seven games left.
"The challenge is there for Stoke as well. I don't think they will go down but, nonetheless, they’re in a precarious situation because, down the bottom of that league, you don’t pick up a lot of points. I think they'll get enough to get out.
"I don't think we should look at our position in terms of being 12 points clear. What matters is winning on Sunday and we need to do that.
"As we always do, we should just try to do our best. We have a job to do on Sunday and we need to do it."
"It's always disappointing to lose a derby," he conceded at his press conference. "There was nothing between the two teams.
"Possession-wise, they were better in the first half. We were better in the second half."
No Vidic against Stoke ?
- No serious injuries picked up at West Ham, although there are "a few bumps and bruises". Vidic, in particularly, has "a beautiful bruise on the cheekbone", according to the boss.
- Sir Alex believes the point at West Ham was well deserved and believes United "could have won it in the last 20 minutes".
- On Wayne Rooney's future: "I couldn't tell you about new contract talks... I don't think there is anything in it [the PSG link]."
- Praise for Shinji Kagawa: "Shinji is doing very well for us now. He has great composure and excellent decision-making."
- On Monday night's game against Aston Villa: "I have the same squad [to choose from] on Monday. I think Villa will have a real go at us."
"We’ve got a few bumps and bruises from Wednesday," reported Sir Alex at his regular Friday press conference.
"Vidic had got a beautiful bruise on his cheekbone and after coming out of that war zone, we’re quite happy no-one was seriously injured.
"The team were fantastic the other night in terms of standing up [to West Ham]. It’s the type of game you get with Big Sam [Allardyce]’s teams. We had to deal with it and I think a point was well deserved.
"We maybe could have won it in the last 20 minutes when we had all the play and one or two chances. Nonetheless you have to be satisfied coming back after being down twice and getting a point. The last two away games [Stoke and West Ham] have shown how determined we are to win the league. I've admired my team in these games. We've done very well."
"Every game now seems to be more important than the last one," acknowledged Sir Alex. "When you get nearer to that line that’s the way it is. I have the same squad for Monday and hopefully we'll pick the right team."
"As far as taking him [Rooney] off the other night, it was simple: he wasn't playing as well as Shinji Kagawa was," he said. "In so many games Wayne Rooney is better than most players. But on the night Shinji was playing so well."
“The ironic thing was, when we were chasing a goal with 14 minutes left, I decided to put Chicharito on and Shinji made the second goal.
“I’d already given the fourth official the card, Chicha was standing on the touchline and then we scored the second goal. I think if I’d have changed my decision then we would have won it.
“Shinji was doing really well but unfortunately he came off. Chicha came on simply because you always think he’ll get a chance in the game. At that point we wanted to win it and you make decisions like that that maybe are not fair.”
“He’s doing very well for us now,” Sir Alex added. “He has fantastic composure on the ball and his decision-making is good. He has a good selection of passes; he seems to always pick the more sensible pass.
“And he made a terrific first goal. There were a few involved in that build-up but he had the composure to take the player on in a tight area and roll the ball to Valencia for a tap-in. He’s doing very well.”
Oh right. I thought he actually meant watch this space. I've been hitting F5 like a mother-fecker. Disappointed.
Sir Alex will play a strong team v Arsenal & says #mufc have "a duty to the other clubs chasing the champions league places."
Sir Alex is glad Arsene Wenger said his side will give #mufc a guard of honour on Sun after Utd doing the same for them at Highbury yrs ago.
SAF believes Dortmund will win the ch lge&on Lewandowski said "for anyone to score 4 in a game like that is a wonderful achievement." #mufc
10:00 Here are they key points from Sir Alex's pre-Chelsea press conference, which included champagne for the journalists!
* Danny Welbeck is out of Sunday's game but Paul Scholes and Nemanja Vidic are back in training. Scholes could be on the bench.
* We'll field a strong team because Chelsea are chasing a Champions League place. It should be a good game as we should play with enthusiasm and enjoyment.
* The players want to go to Chester races next week but the boss may cancel that if we don't win on Sunday!
* One or two new bodies will come in during the summer. The planning has been taking place for some time.
"We've been doing that [planning for next season] for a while,". "Your scouting goes on for the full season, actually sometimes two seasons when you maybe monitor a younger player. You want to see how he does the next season. That is the process we go through. We’ve got some ideas where we’re going and hopefully we can conclude them.
"We'll look at one or two bodies to come in. You’ve got to remember there are a lot of young players we expect to improve and take that into consideration. And you have to consider ages of players and protect that part. In the main, we’re know where we are. We’re comfortable.
"We have fantastic strength in depth. That’s the area where we don’t want to confuse ourselves because you end up with too many players and trying to keep them all happy. It’s happened a few times this season."
"Welbeck is out of Sunday, The rest are all fit. Scholes and Vidic are training and I’ll probably put Scholes on the bench on Sunday to get him back into the fray. I’d love him to play in the Swansea game.
“We did pretty well at Arsenal last weekend and should’ve won it with the chances we had. Chelsea are chasing a Champion League place as well and we'll be playing the strongest team we can.
"Chelsea have done fantastically well over the last few weeks and they are in the final of the Europa League. It should be a good game. We need to play with good enthusiam and enjoy it. We should express ourselves and try to finish off a good season."