Posters Which Shook the Caf

Number 22. VanNistlerator

VanNistlerator no longer rates Van Nistlerooy. That's the first point that needs to be cleared up.

Van's grown up on the Caf. He first joined when he was about 15...young, impressional, virginal, and fascinated by the big wide world, the ex-Van Nistletooy rater spoke with unbridled joy about living down south, wetting the bed and his his true love, travelling. Van's always been a big traveller, and was happy to share his experiences with other less seasoned travellers. I recall one incident as if it was yesterday, when he happily told tales of his adventures in Portugal, following a holiday with his parents.

Van's tender years shone through, his naivity regarding the beautiful game charming, in it's innocence. But his couldn't last....a mixture of Glazer, 5 times and listening to Morrisey has shattered him. Leaving him a bitter shell of his former, happy go lucky self. Why did Shareholders United not keep Glazer out? Unfair! Why did Liverpool win the European Cup for an untouchable fifth time? Unfair! Why do people dislike Morrisey just because he's a bender? Unfair! Teenage angst explosion.

Van's now moved to Leeds, where he's elected to further his education. As a practising Muslim, you'd have to question his choice of City, and unfortunately he's probably getting knocked senseless by a couple of low quality Championship footballers as we speak....
 
Number 21. Tine

Tine has got an absolutely massive set of top bollocks. I don't want to dwell on this, but feck me, they're like planets.

Anyway, Tine is an old school poster who has been around forever. She's got massive cans, which, apart from Stella, are the best thing to come out of Belgium....by some distance.

Reverting to previous type, here's a list of 5 things you may or may not know about Tine, this will take my mind of her tits.

1) Tine recently quit her job, due to her boss being a knobend. There's a fair chance that he spent half his working day staring at her knockers....productivity has improved dramatically since she left.

2) Tine often pops over to watch a Man Utd match, staying with forum couple NWR and Looby. On such occasions they all share a shower, NWR and Looby claiming there's only enough hot water for one shower. Looby's as impressed as NWR.

3) Tine won "Girlfight. In bikinis", which was a popular made up story about girls fighting in Hull, wearing bikinis. Tine's cans inspired this thread.

4) Tine used to be a mod, but retired following "breast envy" from other female mods. Livvie once accused her of "Making us other bitches feel less feminine"

5) Jens - whom I've forgotten from this list - once met Tine. On seeing her breasts he was struck dumb, and has never spoken since.

To be honest, it's been slightly difficult to complete this entry without too much focus being on one area. Luckily, I think I've managed to pull it off pretty successfully.....
 
Number 20. Boring

Boring, CnutofallCnuts, ChampionsElect, MidlandsRed. Different names, same literal gimp. The story of Boring is a long winded affair.....

Boring was on the Caf before I rolled up to make it 100 times better. In those days he was an unassuming Norwegian gimp, proudly posting stat after stat, and saying things which made no sense whatsoever. Always up for petty banter, Boring tried to better me on a daily basis...of course, this unrealistic goal was never actually achieved, but you had to admire his persistance. When I say "admire", I mean "pity". When I say "persistance", I mean "spastic, autistic behaviour".

When not pretending to be a footballer and raping unsuspecting women, Boring can be found at home, watching re-runs of every single football match that has ever taken place. His favourite ever game is the Spurs vs Coventry cup final, and his favourite player is Greg Downs, who looks a bit like him.

Boring's usual Norwegian calm demeanour was infamously shattered on one Caf occasion, following his decision not to bother going to see Man Utd play Bayern away, as they'd lost the home leg. This blatant lack of support, or "being a fecking gloryfan", led to him going a bit mental, disappearing from the Caf, and then coming back as ChampionsElect....who he then claimed was ill and died. Actually, he's a bit feckin mental....never really realised how much.

Since Liverpool won the European Cup for a fifth time, Boring's lost interest in the banter side of things. He now watches football for the fun, success is no longer important....this is a commendable attitude, and should be encouraged. Particularly for less successful teams, like Man Utd.

Well known for his sense of humour, Boring has recently named his newborn son "Crouchy". He's hoping to knock up his bird again shortly, and plans on calling his next child "Arsene Wenger" if it's a boy, or "Sarah" if it's a girl.

Oh aye, and he really fecking hates Devilish
 
Number 19. Checkone

Checkone, Checktwo, Checkthree....that's what I often think of when seeing Check's name. That's not shaking the Caf mind, it's just a weird thing that pops into my head.

Check was one of the first Mancs to have a right feckin go at me, can't remember what it was about, but it's pretty safe to assume that his attack accused me of being "myopic", which is one of his favoured lines. It's also safe to say that whatever he was banging on about was totally wrong, the cheeky feckin cnut.

Despite the stormy start, Check soon changed his stance, looking up to me as if I was some cleverer, better looking, older brother. I decided he was alright after a bit, but still called him the odd name, probably breaking his heart whilst doing so.

As well as having the unfortunate attack on my good self, Check is also happy to have a bash at his fellow Man Utd fans, pulling them up about stuff when they were being bellends. His recent return was class re the whole Glazer lark...can't remember what he said, but remember liking it.

Amusingly, Check married a scouser...not any old scouser, but a Red. His wife, Kelly Dalglish, has converted their hallway into a shrine committed to worshipping the success of Liverpool FC. After a bad result, Check refuses to use the stairs, and will sleep on the couch until his mood improves....often for days at a time.

He's named after Henry from Neighbours' band.
 
Number 18. Golden Blunder

Possibly our highest ranked Irish fecker, might not be the case, haven't really looked. Blunder was given the dubious honour of modship and was in danger of doing a "Neil Thomson". On accepting the lofty position of a mod, GB announced that he was the owner of a "banning stick". To celebrate this turn of events, GB went to his local stick shop (they have them in Ireland) and ordered the most expensive stick in the shop....he also had it engraved with "Banning Stick" in red lettering.

GB is the only person in the world who isn't scared of flying. That's because he's friends of the eagles. If GB was in a plane, and it went tits up, GB could call on his eagle friends to swoop and save him..carrying him harmlessly to the ground. There's a photo of him somewhere, in Thailand, with one such eagle....the eagle was named "Joseph".

Blunder is the chief suspect in the murder of ex Caf favourite Keane16. Keane would be here on an almost daily basis, then he started meeting GB for beers, and has not been seen since. The Irish rozzers are still searching for a motive, I reckon Keane dissed his stick, but am happy to admit that's mere speculation only.

The Caf shaking thread may have come slightly too early for GB, it's a secret, but feck it...he's won X-Spactor with his entry of The Last Supper. This is a major Caf shaking incident, but due to the delay in annoucement, can not be counted at this date. Hard lines GB, naturally, you can blame Noodle for this.

Golden Blunder
 
Number 17. Slabber

Slabber is a contraversial figure in Caf history....one moment brilliant, the next starting a new forum because he didn't win a forum presidential election, or something like that. A popular figure whilst he was here, Slabber was one of the few posters who could keep the Caf ticking over...admittedly, a lot of this was posts telling others to "feck off", but such additions are easily overlooked and underated.

No doubt everyone would have a different favourite Slabber moment. Mine involves his tale of a going out for a few drinks after work one night. The finer details are hazy, but the headlines include one of his colleagues shagging some fatty in the pub bogs, far too much booze, and finally concluding in Slabber bumming his receptionist. A true example of what it's like to be a bloke on occasion, I could have hugged him.

It's a fitting tribute to Slabber that he makes the list on this day of all days. His rubbish Spurs side have done the impossible, and finally beaten Chelsea. I like to think that he's out there now, lashed up in a North London boozer, singing Knees Up Mother Brown...and just beginning to catch the eye of a young secretary on the other side of the bar, whom he'll be bumming within the hour.

Pletch brought Slabber to the Caf, so everything that has kicked off can be directly attributed to him. Typical.
 
Number 16. Rod

Rod joined the Caf when she was 8, and after a quick introduction started laying into seasoned posters with a variety of sarcastic comments, scornful lines and rolleyes smilies.

Being one of those birds who hates other birds, Rod quickly developed female enemies....Jo was one, some other birds were another. They'd get stuck into each other none stop, much to the amusement of the Caf lads, there's something about girls fighting...we like to think it's over us. It usually is in my case. This time it was over Nate, Jo e-boned Nate and Rod went feckin psycho...she quickly e-married Nate in revenge and they became the official first ever Caf couple (if they were before NWR and Looby, dunno).

Like an internet forum Bonnie and Clyde, Rod and Nate were on a one way internet trip to hell, and they didn't care who they took down with them. I don't know why I said that, the reality was everyone pointed and laughed and predicted dates when they'd split up. In fairness however, they're still together now as far as I know...so they've had the last laugh. If you forget they got together on a forum that is, if you don't, everyone else retains the sacred last laugh.

Highly gifted and exceptionally motivated Rod turned down Oxford University due to it being "full of idiots" and went to a different, better, uni. Top of her class for the first two years, things went tits up when Rod dropped out and took a full time position as a Saturday girl in WHSmith. She's still there now, and is the official Harry Potter expert, they call her Witch Roddetta. True story

There should be a lot more to say about Rod than this, but I've had a few beers and am knackered and uninspired....oh well, number 16. Can't be bad for a bird eh?
 
Number 15. Bazalini

Bazalini's appearance in the higher rankings is no shock whatsoever, unlike say...Man Utd being humiliated by Southend United, a team worse than Leeds.

Bazalini is a master of disguise, at the last count he had 107 Caf aliases, including Guvnorspaz, Noodlehair and Big Andy. He's as old school as they come, and treats others with the contempt that most of the cnuts deserve. Baz is Irish, so when I earlier pointed out that GB was likely to be the top ranked Irish cnut, I was lying.

Baz hates the following players:

- Gary Neville
- Phil Neville
- Andy Cole

Fantastic. Unfortunately he was a big Diego Forlan fan, and once described in worrying detail how the South American flop would be a huge hit with marketing companies and women, what with his gold flowing mane. He neglected to mention the looking like Sally Gunnell bit.

As well as harbouring an intense dislike for the Nevilles, Baz used to have regular run ins with Dans. These disagreements were a joy to behold...a far cry from the rubbish disagreements of present days, these 2 Caf adversaries would lay into each other with a mix of wit and abuse. It was hard to pick a winner, but I like to think the true winner was the onlooking Caf members....I'm romanticising the whole issue, I'm sure.

Baz also fancied himself as a tipster, on both nags and the football. Such was the extent of his disillusion, that he managed to blag himself a column on some internet tipster site....naming 4 or 5 results each week for an accumulator. He never managed to win a bet, and even roped myself (I messed up on purpose, just to rip the shit out of him) and amazingly, Boring (He watched all the games afterwards to see where he went wrong) involved as guest tipsters.

Baz isn't around so much thesedays, largely due to premature hair loss and fears that he's be nicknamed "Baldalini", it's the Caf's loss.

Bazalini
 
Number 14. Devilish

I'm sure you've all experienced it. Sometimes you're left cringing with embarrassment at the actions of others, you're so embarrassed for them that you feel guilty to be human. This phenomenon can often be experienced when watching reality television, women comedians or Michael Barrymore. Devilish brought it to Redcafe.

Devilish pride himself on him being English...am I wrong??

The above sentence makes no feckin sense whatsoever. That's because it's written in Maltese. Devilish comes from Malta, where he is something of a big cheese. He is an IT manager at his local internet Cafe, owns a shed where he keeps 3 donkeys, and is a major player in the legendary Maltese branch of Man Utd fans.

Devilish's position as very important Man Utd fan in Malta has led to some unusual problems. One particular issue that springs to mind, is when he witnessed Ferguson's infamous hairdryer for the very first time.....I won't try to recreate the details, but the affair involved playboy Dwight Yorke, a Russian whore, and a surprisingly public bollocking to the ex-striker, on Devilish's mobile phone! Would you believe it?

Not many people witnessed the above, those that did don't like to talk about it.....they also don't like to talk about other made up instances of hairdryer witnessing.

Despite being English, Devilish is extremely proud of his Maltese roots. Particularly the key role that Malta played in defeating Hitler and the Nazis in WWII. To be honest, I was slightly surprised on hearing this, as I was under the misapprehension that Germany blanket bombed the feck out of Malta, just for a laugh. But it turns out that it was all a ruse just to distract the evil feckers....thank feck for Malta, or we'd all be wearing swastikas.

Despite being English, Devilish is a big fan of Italian football. So much so that he took it upon himself to become a fully qualified Italian coach. Devilish's Italian team of choice is AC Milan - famous for being destroyed in a recent European Cup final by Liverpool FC, and for fixing matches. Devilish doesn't talk about Milan quite as much thesedays.

I could go on, the material's there....but if you truly want to learn more about the great man, simply search under his name. You'll have a cracking time...

Devilish, he's English
 
Number 13. JSV

JSV was in love with Veron, for the following reasons.

1) Veron had an earring, like JSV
2) Veron looked a bit like a pirate, like JSV
3) Like JSV, Veron was shit at football

Despite being undoubtedly the worst signing ever made by an English team, JSV would defend his idol to the hilt. "He's good in Europe" he'd claim...he of course wasn't "He's less shit in Europe" would have been fair...."He's shit in Europe" fairer still.

Despite this obvious flaw, JSV was another wise-cracking, general regular who was around in the glory days. Unlike other such posters, he had a bit of a crush on Dans, and would often be a bit nasty to him....like you are with girls you fancy, when you're 11. Dans was flattered by this attention, and there is a train of thought which suggests that Dans' recent marriage was in fact to JSV....I don't like to think about that.

JSV and his pals liked to reminisce about the great nights out of the year, in a sort of top 10 format. After completing such a list, JSV mistakenly decided to share it with the general posse. Unfortunately, the highlights of JSV's social year involved "Getting drunk on a Thursday night, and singing on the way home from the pub" and the like. It made for depressing reading....JSV never fully recovered from this blow....Dans lost instanst respect for him, which can often kill a relationship.

Another random thing I remember about JSV was that his boiler broke, he had to pay 3k for a replacement and was gutted. How we laughed

JSV is far from a regular thesedays, due to a move south to Portsmouth...where they don't have internet access. He's been busy since he arrived mind, boning both Rod and Livvie, and nicking Honest John's fishtank

JSV, a far better poster than his namesake is a footballer
 
Number 12. Nate

Nate used to be called "Fowler is God". It was a good point, but was sensibly changed when Robbie went to Leeds, on a mission to feck them over. Mission Complete.

Nate has many things going for him, that have allowed him to attain such a honourable ranking. These include:

1) He's a Red. And by definition worth 10 of you mancs. 18-5

2) He's boning a Manc, whom he met on here, when she was a teenager. In terms of Caf shaking, rolling up and boning one of your own under your very noses is very impressive. I've never thought about it in this way before.....hehehe

3) He's one miserable fecker. A bit like Dans....both of whom are boning mancs. Unlikely to be a coincidence in my esteemed opinions

4) Nate's job title is "Internet forum poster". That's right, he gets paid to post on forums.

5) He once puked up in a helicopter

6) Following our unrealistic 3-0 half time deficit to Milan, Rod was winding Nate up. "Haha 15-2" She was saying..."I'll do anything you want if you turn this around".
Nate, like myself, was aware that we were merely ripping the piss out of Milan, and told Rod that she was to dress up in a Liverpool kit, and repeat "I'm Vladimir Smicer" whilst he boned her in front of her parents....if Liverpool won. Last time she gets cocky...

Nate is another "one of those other cnuts" thesedays, although he did pile in here the other day to post scandalous lies regarding my facts re Rod's entry to the hall of fame. So hopefully he'll get a chance to read this, and feel suitably honoured...

Well done Nate....I love you man

18-5
 
Number 11. Wibble

Jelly on a plate
Jelly on a plate
Wibble wobble, wibble wobble
Jelly on a plate

Wibble looks like jelly on a plate. He's a big fat man whom kids run away from on sight...apart from in one instance, where Wibble was going about performing his old job of working for London Underground....when 2 kids danced around him with glee, shouting "It's Mr Jelly!"

So embarrassed was Wibble by this incident that he moved down under to Australia. Bizarrely, rather than just spend his days feeling superior to our convict cousins, Wibble decided he wanted to be one. He know actually calls himself an Aussie bastard and supports them in the cricket. This is not only disgraceful but amusing, given that Wibble comes from Manchester and supports Man Utd - making him one of only 5 such fans who can claim this.

Wibble works as a mortgage form filler inner. He hates his job and wishes that he was still a fish scientist, unfortunately this position became redundant when it was discovered that there's no such thing as fish....something I don't really understand. Wibble also had big plans re becoming a booze importer, but couldn't be arsed to set it up....I sympathise entirely.

There's a fair few religious fanatics on this board, but none of them are a patch on Wibble. As a confirmed Christian, Wibble spends most of his spare time spreading the Lord's word....knocking on doors, standing in the middle of a busy town street preaching, or rubbishing scientific findings that don't fit well with a claim made in a book that's thousands of years old...that someone made up whilst bored - probably an early descendent of Pletch. Personally I think religion is silly, and for stupid people, but it's hard not to respect such firm committment to a cause that Wibble displays.

Unfortunate to miss out on the top 10, Wibble should feel proud of his placing...and to make him feel a bit better, I'll summarise some of his leading attributes once again.

Wannabe-Australian, Man Utd fan, God-botherer

Impressive
 
Number 10. Dans

Yet another old school poster, Dans was being miserable when Nate was busy getting E'd up at raves, smiling like a demented cnut and hugging random people. If Dans was E'd up at a rave, he'd take a chainsaw, to mow down any random cnuts that tried to hug him, and tell him that they loved him.

Dans is English, but ashamed of his heritage. As such, he moved to Germany where he works on creating robots to help run the country more efficiently. His favourite thing about Germany is the Oktoberfest, and having recently returned from a World Cup inspired thrash up with those big feck off Steiner things, I can see his point of view. Certain Caf members sort of agreed to go to the Oktoberfest a few years back, but then couldn't be arsed...I blame Dans for this, given his reluctance to less us all crash at his gaff.

Dans knows what he likes, and will tell you about it 100 times a day. Dans doesn't actually like that much, in fact, he only likes 3 things. These things are, in reverse order:

3) Cod
2) Sony
1) Skiing

Cod is the food of choice of our German friend, and he often eats it as a side dish to his Bratwurst. The recent reduction in cod numbers has left Dans confused, angry and vengeful. If we do run out of cod, I wouldn't like to be in the shoes of those greedy fisherman who catch more than their quotas. Who are these feckers anyway? I blame the Japanese, they're always up to no good.

Dans loves Sony.

Dans love for skiing us unmatched by any other. He's given his skis names (Cod and Sony) and takes them to bed with him....on certain occasions he's been known to bone them. Can you imagine that? A man, boning skis! I'm not even sure how that would work? Dans could tell you, he'd probably just tell you to feck off mind

When not eating cod, buying Sony electrical products, or boning skis, Dans has made many excellent contributions to the site. Disliking the right people (bar JSV, arguably) his put downs are always amusing, and the likes of Barca99 would often be ripped apart for the amusement of others. Great days

Dans can telepathically tell when his name on mentioned on the Caf, and will probably be here within minutes to moan about only making number 10.

Well feck you, Bosh
 
Number 9. Noodlehair

At times it seems as this will never end. And talking about never ending, how about that Noodle eh? Is there a limit to how many embarrassing things can be revealed about one poster? You'd certainly think so, but would you be right to do so? Let's look at the facts...

Off the top of my head, the following discredits can be applied to Noodle:

1) He breaks 2 pairs of Ipod headphones a day, usually with a hoover.
2) He attracts mice
3) He's called Barry
4) He's a ginger
5) He stores his beer in a black rubbish bag, which he then places outside....next to the bin. On rubbish collection day.
6) He doesn't like red wine
7) He's scared of dancing
8) He was banned from the Territorial Army after wearing a necklace constructed from human ears
9) His hair looks like noodles
10) If he was lost in the desert, with his good friend Dr Do/Don't, he'd spend the entire time trying to suck him off

This is merely the tip off the iceberg, I for one dread to think what else he gets up to...

He's not all bad mind, Yin and Yang and all that shit, here's a list of his good points:

1) Most people are pleased he exists
2) He pays his rent on time...probably

Hmmm

As for Caf shaking, Noodle tends to enjoy a relaxed attitude to Caflife. Until something really annoying happens, such as being expected to pay for a train, or fill in a form....that he goes fecking ballisic!

This relaxed attitude somehow got him stuck in the middle of the recent "Gay forum wars", I never really understood why....although I'd bet mice were involved if forced to guess.

He also hates Carrick and thinks he's rubbish...which is a fair point really, kudos to him for that.

Well done Noodlegay, top ten....a strong achievement for a man willing to suck cocks.

Noodlehair, Caftards...
 
Number 8. Stanley Road

When I first joined the Caf, many moons ago, Stan was posting under a different guise, being "Woking Boy". He chose this name because he comes from Woking, and because he's a boy. His latest nickname is just his name....hahaha, fancy having "Road" for a surname. It would be good if he lived on a road called Stanley...his address would be something like

Stanley Road
185 Stanley Road

Hehehe

Stan doesn't like many people. Amongst the people he hates are.....his boss, everyone at his work, his bird, Liverpool fans, Arsenal fans, Man Utd fans, Rams, everyone else on the Caf, everyone in Amsterdam, everyone in England, Belgians, everyone else not already mentioned.

He likes Malcolm Glazer mind, I think....he may have just been saying that to annoy spazzers.

Stan's one of those computer nerds you hear about in the papers....unlike most of this type, Stan actually knows about computers...ask him a question. Go on...go to the "PC Problems" thread and post a problem. Loads of people will reply, talking bollocks, then Stan will tell you the right answer....or to "feck off", it's a bit of a gamble if I'm being honest.

Stan used to go to Man Utd matches home and away in the old days.....he used to approach games in the correct fashion i.e. get battered before the game to such an extent that he doesn't know what's going on in the game at all. I got so thrashed on a train up from London once, that I can't even remember being in Liverpool, nevermind what happened at the game...how about that then?
Stan doesn't bother with football now so much, he lives in Amsterdam, where he can usually be found getting thrashed in boozers, and/or bottling out of fights.

Stan's Caf shaking stories are plentiful. He's often had run ins with mods, fellow mancs, everyone else. He fell in love with Barca99 (see Posters Which Shook the Caf, number 90 odd) and pursued her in an, ultimately doomed, online romance...he was even the subject of the now infamous prototype twentysixther.

He's going to feckin livid at being below Rams....
 
Number 7. Big Andy

Earlier, we discussed at length re how we'd witnessed VanNistlerator grow up on the internet. With Big Andy, or BA as I shall refer to him, we've witnessed a stark contrast...BA has regressed.

On joining the Caf a few years back, BA's life was comfortable...if unspectacular. A young professional, with a long term bird and plans to one day buy a house that wasn't yet built, BA was about ready for the old pipe and slipperrs. This all changed one evening down the local shed...

BA's girlfriend of 12 years, we'll call her Bo Peep for a bit of a personal touch, told our hero that she wanted to feck all his mates. Actually, I think she used the term "Have a bit of a break" or something along those lines, but same difference. BA told us, his internet friends, about the situation, and luckily we were on hand to clarify the whole "break" = feck all his friends thing.

BA was naturally disappointed, both at the callousness of Bo Peep, and the fact that whenever he went out it always seemed as if one of his pals was staying in, with a rubbish excuse....what was going on?

BA made a decision that would go on to change his life. He decided that his old life was going to take a backseat....he had a vision.....he was going to pull faces with a big cheesy grin and get his picture taken, and displayed all over the net. It was an optimistic plan, some would say unrealistic....but when BA sets his mind on something, the chances are it will happen (apart from moving into a house, that he bought when it wasn't built....but that's just stupid).

After using the Caf general forum to hone his rhyming skills and develop his self confidence, BA got his old dear to make him a bacon sarnie, and then he was off. Has his plan proved to be a success?........Has it feck.

Only joking, he's feckin everywhere. Be it sitting in a shed with other members of the WGC....be it appearing on special gifs....be it appearing in clips from Sky, looking nervously onwards as Arsenal do his team in their own backyard....be it appearing in photoshops efforts wanking Martin Jol off, or being rimmed by one of those monkey things with blue arses....BA has been there done it, he's like an institution.

His internet face is now so famous it's causing him problems in real life. Only last year a woman knocked the feck out of him with her stilettos, she recognised his face and assumed he was from Crimewatch.

I could go on, but the facts speak for themselves.....BA everyone, a true contender
 
Number 6. Rams

As a young man, whilst dabbling in the likes of speed, acid and shit, I often wondered what would happen to me if I became hooked...and moved on to coke, angeldust and the likes. The answer is Rams.

Rams was born in Derby, hence his name. After supporting the Rams throughout his childhood, he switched to the Red Devils when they won their first title in 26 years. His Derby supporting friends never forgave him, and treated him like a leper...causing him to move to the Dam, with his best mate, Stan.

Rams took to the Dam's drugscene like a fat bird takes to cake.....unadultered excitement, drooling and getting stuck in, balls to the consequences. It wasn't long before his addiction got out of control, forcing Rams to push on the streets of the Red Light district...."Pssssst....smack, whack, crack, gack, traintrack" he would whisper to tourists, in an insane battle to fuel his cravings.

Thankfully, after narrowly escaping from a entire army of samuari warriors following one trip, Rams decided to sort himself out and get himself a proper job. He does something with the Japanese thesedays, sushi chef I think.

Rams has started roughly 87% of general forum threads. All of the highest quality. A true champion of "5 in a row", Rams has more topics for conversation than anyone else in the entire world.

A keen footballer and ladies man, Rams has moved away from his drug addled past, and now treats his body like a temple. He still suffers memory lapses, and sometimes finds himself at raves, without any recollection of how he got there. He'll never be fully cured, such is the curse of excess....but he's won our respect and hearts (not mine, manc cnut), and like the Osbornes, we just watch with anticipation as to what he'll do next.

Rams...he's named after a sheep with big horns
 
Number 5. 26th May 1999

Twenty-sixth Of's role as a top 5 Caf shaker can often be overlooked. Thesedays he plays something of a marginal role in Caf life...largely due to giving up his support for the mancs, and his surprising descent into grandfatherhood at the age of 28. It wasn't always like this however, Twenty-sixth Of has played a major role in shaping the Caf, as I shall demonstrate with the aid of examples.

- The TwentySixer
Twenty-Sixth Of invented the TwentySixer, with a rhyme about Stan being a big gay Dutch man. This much copied style has become legendary in terms of it's Caf status....although few can actually follow the easy fecking pattern. Twenty-Sixth Of has never tried to repeat his initial success, he knows when he's peaked........he may actually have scribed others since, I don't actually know.

Gates
Twenty-Sixth Of once told his fellow posters that he'd erected a set of gates in his yard, with his own hard graft. However, this fantasy was soon shot down, when somewhat unbelievably another poster pointed out that they'd been put up wrong. How the feck does anyone know that? Twenty-Sixth Of was shamed into admitting that he played no part in their being....they idle, lying cnut

Posting photos of doctors fecking up your nads
Twenty-Sixth Of had his Travellers done a while back...and told us about it in explicit detail, including photos. Why any man would mutiliate hinself in this fashion I don't know? I still have flashbacks of this incident to this very day...

Shitting himself, and getting a helping hand from his dogs
Like many of his fellow Mancunians, Twenty-Sixth Of has trouble controlling his sphincter, making him more likely to follow through following an expected satisfying fart. Twenty-Sixth Of experienced this discomfort one morning...whilst contemplating his options, his dogs entered the room, and ate his shit. They ate his shit, whilst he watched, giggling. Only in Manchester

Murdering family pets
Twenty-Sixth Of has a novel way of dealing with smelly pets....he can't be arsed to give them a bath, instead he takes them to the vet.....to be put down. Whether or not you can see past this vicious act, you've got to admire his thought process in dealing with issues simply. Him and Hitler

Getting fellow XBox posters to line up for a team photo, then shooting them where they stand
Hehehe

Smuggling Illegal Contraband into the country
The shady fecker...if he's not pretending to build gates or shitting himself he's robbing HMS Customs & Excise out of their rightful tax duty. The man has no morals

Finishing work at 10.00pm and informing everyone he's off for a nap
This would be more effective if he didn't start work at 1.00am...so he can feck off on this one

It doesn't end here...he gets free satellite television, he lets his wife go on week long "boning holidays" to Spain, he's the record holder for consecutive "Fat bastard of the week" awards in his place of work....you name it, he's done it.

26th May 1999....a sad day for English football, but a fine Caf Shaker

18-5
 
Number 4. WeasteDevil

Feckin hell I'm bored of this...

Right, WeasteDevil - he comes from a place called Weaste, and added Devil onto his birthplace to come up with a username. Inspired, he should have been an artist or playwright or summat...

Weaste is another old timer, and was around when I first discovered the Caf (probably). Back then, Weaste spent his days flirting around the Caf women in a slightly creepy way....all that's changed now, as he's got a kid and his attention is focused elsewhere. Incidentally, some bird was telling me last night that blokes seem less attractive to her when they've got a kid....is this the case women/blokes with kids? I can't imagine this would apply to me, even if it is true, but it's food for thought

Weaste lives in sunny Spain, in Valencia. I went there on a stag weekend a while back, and the shops on the beach refused to serve us food, for no obvious reason. Why on earth would they do that? The rude twats. Weaste owns a pub, which only sells Guinness..he's an expert on the brewing process, and what you do with those barrels when they're delivered on big trucks.....go on, test him...

Weaste lived in Ireland for a year or so at some point. I didn't really understand what was going on here....he left his bird back home in Spain, where she definitely didn't bone loads of other blokes...just to ensure this point is clarified, she definitely didn't bone anyone else. That's no boning other blokes for here. Oh no.

Weaste was involved in the recent Caf war shake up. I can't remember all the details (for further data see "The Recent Caf fall out.....in rhyme" thread in the Classics"). It started over a presidential election thread, and then involved a new forum, another argument, modship and another forum. Great days....it's stuff like that makes you proud to post on forums.

Weaste revealed one of the most shocking stories ever told on the Caf...I'm not even going to repeat it, but it involved attempted buggery and some ponce karking it. Was that you Weaste?

Weaste is now a respected moderator, and a true inspiration to other mancs who also wish to rise from their lowly existence as rentboys, and better themselves.

I hope this is longer than the 26th post. Noodle, count the words.

WeasteDevil - contraversial, impetuous, manc cnut
 
Number 3. Charlie's Devils

Arguably the worst moment in Caf history was when CD was banned. A sad day that left the decent posters shaking their heads, trying to fathom why such a thing could happen in a civilised world.....whilst the rubbish posters crawled out from under their desks, hopeful of a happier Caf experience.

Charlie was a lazy cnut who was some sort of journalist or something. He'd spend his days on here, making the little people get angry, and then spend his entire night in his office....rushing to make his deadlines. He never learnt from this experience, which pleased me.

CD infuriated many a poster in his time here...here are some such instances.

1) All manc fans who wanted "football banter" were left reeling when CD pointed out "Arsenal were champions, he didn't need to go into detail"

2) Shortly after Ahmed declared himself a "football expert", Charlie spent approximately 4 hours asking if there was any football experts on the site who could help him understand the game. Ahmed became so incensed that he was taken to hospital.

3) Poor old Rod and Nate were made to defend their internet forum meeting point. They didn't take it too well.

4) Blythy went fecking mental when his old dear was accused of being a liar.

5) During the ever popular "Redcafe evictions voting", he accused some bloke of fixing the poll by getting all his cousins to register and vote. You had to be there on this one

6) Loads of other stuff, it was ages ago....I'm fecked if I can remember

Following his unjust banning, Bazalini took time out from his role as Chairman of The Clayton Blackmore Fan Club to fight for justice for CD. Unfortunately, the Bring Back Charlie, Club was doomed to failure...and he has never returned.

I reckon he's the fan who used to scream whenever the opposition attacked at Highbury...
 
Number 2. Pletchazunga

Colin Pletchazunga is not blessed with good looks. He chooses to wear his hair in a ponytail, in an ill-advised attempt to disguise the fact that he's got a "Phil Thompson". Naturally, this supposed cover up doesn't work, leading to a hellish childhood where he was mercilessly taunted by his schoolmates.By means of an example...

"Anyone know what a pangolin is? Hang on, I'll ask Colin....he NOSE best....HAHAHA. Let's kick his head in..."

Colin, or Pletch as he is known in Caf circles, was at breaking point...until his good friend Slabber (see Posters Which Shook the Caf, number 18, 19 or so) suggested that he take up some form of martial arts. Pletch agreed, and is now a black belt in something...probably judo. Thesedays if anyone laughs at his features, Pletch will dance nimbly around them....kicking them in the head.

When not dodging buying his round, moving to Prague in an attempt to escape Caf addiction, or paying parking tickets, Pletch can be found on here. After a weak start, Pletch soon came into his own......starting with tales of his workplace and colleagues. Who can forget the autistic Yank, Matt...whom Pletch would cruelly, yet justly, torture on a daily basis? I liked these stories...and was even able to ignore Pletch's excitable made up story about dropping a tray of teas, after stepping on a rake, walking over an greasy pole, and then running off a cliff....and doing that cartoon running in mid air thing.

In a style sort of similar to This Is Your Life, I will now honour Pletch by recounting his best moments. These are in no order, and may not be his best moments....instead stuff I remember...or Moments, if you prefer.

1) Pletch once got blinded by the sun and crashed his car. Not a great moment, but very funny for everyone else

2) Every Christmas, Pletch does some sort of Caf take on a famous festival story....I can't remember if it's in rhyme or not, I'll go for yes. So far we've had Scrooge, a Christmas Carol (which might be the same as Scrooge? It is ain't it?...so that's one) and a nativity play. This year he's going to do the Snowman by Aled Jones.

3) Pletch has no foreskin ( see 1)

4) Pletch co-commentated in "Girlfight in Bikinis", arguably the greatest ever Caf thread. He wasn't invited to participate, he just feckin started describing the Hull based action...the cnut. I blagged my way out of a pretty important conference call to finish that.

5) Recently, Pletch played a key part in trapping Noodle into admitting that he'd suck his good friend, Dr Do/Don't's cock

6) Whilst Twenty-Sixth Of formally created the Twenty-Sixther, Pletch picked up the baton and ran with it....bringing it to the masses.

7) Pletch once described Liam Miller as being good.

8) There's been loads of rhymes, and shit

9) And stories

10) Pletch recently became embroiled in a heated debate about they lyrical flow of The Game. What a spastic

11) Pletch eats out alone every Tuesday night

12) Pletch has only been to Old Trafford once in the last 3 years. Amazingly, it was the Lille match, at which I was also present. If Pletch has said "Hi Davo" in his normal speaking voice, I'd have probably heard him.....you atmosphereless shitbags

13) Pletch is very well read. However, his favourite story of all time involves the Grand National, my mate, Scudamore, and a newspaper headline.

14) Pletch's favourite Man Utd players are Silvestre, due to having a head shaped like a kidney, and Van Der Saar, on the grounds that he's "Not shit"

15) Pletch has a phobia of Warrington, and often dreams of being forced to drink bottle of Corona in a shed.

16) Have I mentioned the round dodging? How about crashing his car?

17) Two more to go....feck...erm, he reckons you can cure a hangover by stabbing your toe. Spaz

18) Pletch invented the Richter Scale, a chart for measurement of internet gayness

Look at that, 18 moments - the same number as Title wins achieved by Liverpool FC. Coincidental.

So there you have it, big-nosed, pony-tailed, Colin....a rhyming sensation and the second most shaking Caf poster ever.

Ladies and Gentlemen.....Colin Pletchazunga
 
Before I announce the number 1 poster, let's have a quick recap of those who made the top 100, but are ultimately failures....

100: Da Pleasure & Da Pain - Shitname
99: Diarra - Idiot
98: TheRedFlag - Shitnamed Idiot
97: Youngie - Demote him
96: AntiHenry - Henry's Auntie
95: The King - Don't know who he is
94: Jo - Feisty
93: Anna Livvia - Wants us in the CL. Stupid
92: Pipeau - Who? Feckin hell Pletch...
91: Rehash - Gashout
90: Honest John - Pub murderer
89: Roy - You're in the Army now.....Whoooaahhhh
88: Kofi Annan - Tristan
87: Reflectorboy - Reflects boys
86: Barca99 - Pig
85: Mithun - Kanoute's better than Rooney
84: FergiesArmy - Soap Dropper
83: Robbo - I nominate Robbo
82: Beckham007 - Croat
81: Redbunny - Threesome
80: thoward - Autistic
79: Jopub- Beetle crusher
78: MrMarcello - Scores highly in army tests
77: Veng Forum wars
76: Bodzilla - Formerly only decent Chelsea fan

Feckin hell, why did I start doing this...
 
75: Ninja - Headbutt
74: That bloke who got into trouble with the Yank cops for posting about terrorism or something - Trouble, with Yank cops
73: Yianni Hairy jewellery
72: Ryansgirl - Rapee
71: Giggysgirl - 6/10
70: Wellesley - Youthanasia
69: hehehe. Stamford Bridge - Spastic
68: Laura - 6.5/10
67: K-Standard - Bird's a slut
66: Celine - French knickers
65: Smashedhombre - Over-rated
64: Ellie - Nice
63: Wizardkeyz - Sucker
62: The Kippax Kid - Comes from Manchester
61: 77 - Bald
60: Stick - Irish
59: Ahmedimwitson - Expert
58: Nialler - Irish
57: Kinky Melinky - Irish
56: Keane16 - Irish, and dead
55: BeardedGenius - Buy Flintoff from cricket
54: Stoned Rose - Dead
53: Murt - Never been to Old Trafford
52: LoobyLu - Leeds fan
51: Raoul - Nutter
 
50: Cal from Redcafe - Gives Dein blowjobs
49: Neil Thomson - Failed Mod
48: Sutty - Funny cricket name
47: Sultan - Isn't gay
46: Sincher - Probably is
45: RA Softlad - Foresaw Leeds demise
44: Marching - Didn't
43: Livvie - Whimsy
42: Jasonh - Ugly
41: Divine - Norwegian
40: Spoony - Outcast
39: Spinoza - Eats pandas
38: Ed the Red/BahamaRed - Old
37: Dr Do/Don't Noodle sucks his cock
36: Grinner - Fat James Bond
35: Bury Red - Fat Isambard Kingdom Brunel
34: Elizabeth - Big Cans
33: Shane - Bigger Cans
32: Melbourne Red - Doesn't buy Christmas presents
31: Gillespie - Business trips
30: DJS - Winds up Guvnorspaz
29: RedCharlie - Drink
28: NWR - Lazy fireman
27: Wobbly - Funny photo
26: French Henry - Circle jerking coma patient
 
25: George Scales - Angry
24: Giggzy - Man breasts
23: Looking Busy - Health and safety gimp
22: VanNistlerator - Broken
21: Tine - Massive Tits
20: Boring - Literal Gimp
19: Checkone - Scouser
18: Golden Blunder - Banning Stick
17: Slabber - Fragile
16: Rod - Petulant
15: Bazalini - Metrosexual
14: Devilish - Eyewitness
13: JSV - Lemsip
12: Nate - Found love on Redcafe
11: Wibble - Convict
10: Dans - Cod, Sony, Skiing
9: Noodlehair - Cocksucker
8: Stan - Dutch
7: Rams - Belgian
6: Big Andy - He's on the telly
5: 26th May - Gates
4: Weastedevil - Salford Scally
3: CharliesDevils - Banned
2: Pletchazunga - Ponytailed
 
Number 1: The Sultan of Sikh

BOOM BOOM BOOM

WHAT'S HAPPENING SIKBOYS? DOES ANYONE WANNA BUY A MOBILE PHONE....NOKIA?

This is the sort of thing The Sultan of Sikh would say when starting a new thread. However, the subject matter would swiftly change and result in another poster being threatened by the Sultan, and his army of Lebanese street warriors.

The Sultan ruled the General like he ruled the streets of Sydney, with a sharp tongue and an even sharper blade. Quick to praise and quicker still to anger, the Sultan would be your best pal one minute, declaring you "Sik", then the next he'd threaten to ambush you, potentially stabbing you with a screwdriver before running away.

It's been too long for me to remember the Sultan's greatest moments, and I can't be arsed to make them up. But it's fair to say that the great man shook the Caf like none before and none since (bar me, obviously).

Find his posts mods...
 
Number 0: Davo

1. Davo was born in the small mining village of Gfwellly, famous for being the only place west of Swansea to have three consecutive ‘l’s in its name and no indoor lavatory. His mother is a housewife with a sideline in breeding voles, his father has an allotment and is obsessed by residual German spies in the Gfwellly region. Much of Davo's childhood was spent searching for these "Sly Bosch" with his old man, armed with a rake. No German spies were ever found.

2. The rest of his childhood was spent setting fire to fields.

3. His real name is apparently “Daffyd” – gay.

4. However, despite his Welsh roots, Davo supports Liverpool, and has a Brummie accent. But perhaps in tribute to his valley-boy past, he occasionally lapses into valley-girl speech patterns, saying things like, "That is so not cool" and "That hand-bag is just totally bogus".
Gay.

5. Davo is one of the laziest men ever to walk the planet. He manages to get away with this by sheer bravado...respeck.

6. He claims to resemble Russell Crowe, who made Ray Allger cry just by acting, and who is widely considered the ugliest film star of the last decade. However, it's accepted Caf fact that he's ginger, and fat.

7. He spent some time in Australia once, and took home with him their cultural gifts of straight-talking, sledging, wearing string vests, and ballroom dancing. He likes to do all these at once, while fisting himself with a mango...each to his own.

7. He sometimes dresses up as a girl, and goes boozing in Leeds

7. Davo once admitted to having bummed Sol Campbell

8. He’s married a bird of Italian descent, due to finding he likes living with her, and not being arsed not to marry her. His in-laws believe in the hanging and quartering of all immigrants, despite being immigrants.

9. Davo is one of the foremost poets of his generation, his masterwork being "The Recent Caf Fall-out...in Rhyme". Indeed the Oxford English Dictionary has now adopted his definition of rhyme: "The art of making words sound similar, on a forum, for no reason."

10. Davo fantasises about being some sort of mediaeval knight or baron. In practical terms, this means “wassailing” a lot (all-day sessions); getting his missus to shout “Yes, King Davo” in the sack (which she agrees to in return for white goods); and once a year, running round Sherwood Forest with his mates, in period dress, pretending to fight, roaring, and eventually stripping off and bumming each other.

11. Davo is perhaps the most accomplished internet gimp-ridiculer in existence. He used to specialize in caustic wit, but since last year finds he can get the same effect just saying “18-5”. He also likes ridiculing gimps in real life, especially pointing and laughing at them. He has mellowed in recent years however, and now gets all gooey at the sight of moorhen chicks.

12. Much of what now passes for standard Caf posting style was invented by Davo. This includes short two-line posts with an empty line in between, the eschewing of full-stops, and the famous “double adjective” style of insult, as in “The pointless, good at football, cnuts” or “The daft, beer-repelling, retard”. I’m the only person to have noticed these things, including him.

13. He likes to make out he’s a bit cool for the Caf – which in fairness, isn’t hard. Nevertheless, he has more posts than anyone, and has also named his goldfish “Plechy”, after my good self. When his internet connection goes down, he sits in front of the goldfish bowl, attempting to engage Plechy in banter, and overfeeding it.

14. He also has an uncanny ability to work out what other people are thinking behind their monitors...he almost certainly knew I was going to do this list before I did, and has set some sort of trap…feck. The only exception being when he falsely accused me of making up a slapstick tale about tea (he has since recognized his error and apologized, by PM...gay). You’d’ve thought he could turn this skill into a fortune via internet poker, but unfortunately, he’s too rubbish and can’t be arsed.

15. He does however make a fortune by making complicated accumulator spread-bets, or something...my brain can’t grasp such things, ask him yourself if you care that much, you fecking gimps

16. He is the final arbiter of what is and isn't gay, on the internet. Victims of this include eggs, until recently wine, and noodlehair.

17. He tells an excellent story. The best involves Scu, Aintree and his spastic mate. Other good ones include getting in work bother for calling a colleague a spastic, wearing nighties, and getting kicked about by kids while lying on an Ibizan bench like a tramp.

18. This time three or four years ago...feck...he stapled a load of aardvarks to a grandfather clock, clung to the front of a train naked, and collided with them at 200mph, breaking the Welsh land-speed record for the bumming of multiple aardvarks by a man with a Brummie accent.

davonm5.jpg


19. Did I mention he was fat? He's due to have kids soon, twins, who will be called "General" and "Smilie"...I've nicked that gag off myself, I'm getting desperate.

20. Amazingly, he completed this list. If Ladbrokes had offered odds on this, and I'd been capable of getting my head round them, I'd have lost a fair bit of cash


Ladies and gents, I present Mr. Redcafe.net: Davo
 
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