Posters Which Shook the Caf

Number 61. 77

An old school member who now lives in Yankland, where he owns a walk in wardrobe, full of trainers. A keen kit fan, who will happily comment on new kits at the start of every season, often using constructive criticism such as "This is fecking shit"

Has probably called me a cnut on at least 250 seperate occasions
 
Number 60. Stick

Irish Red Stick is another old timer who defended the cause of all that it good and right before I rolled up and turned things up a notch.

A veteran of long forgotten forum duels with some manc twat whose name escapes me, Stick still knocks around but infrequently.

He was rocking the Caf when many of you bellends were still spelling "cnut" correctly
 
Number 59. AhmedDimwitson

Ahmed's one of those great posters who don't realise when they're amusing the feck out of everyone else....a bit like Devilish or Guvnorgaz.

If Ahmed argue the toss about something, you can instantly be right simply by opposing him...if you're a bit thick, try this next time..instant gratification.

Ahmed dislikes any form of fantasy, he likes his films to be realistic - like Top Gun and Claude Van Dam efforts.

He is also a self proclaimed "football expert", which has resulted in much hilarity.

Expertly summerised, I'm sure you'll agree Ahmed
 
Number 58. Nialler

There's a fair few Irish on the board, some might argue too many...not me though, I like the Irish contingent who are always happy to provide a song and a wee rumble for the price of a couple of cans of strong lager.

Nialler is less likely to hit the booze in search of the "craic" thesedays, since his bird recently dropped a kid. Nialler has always been a laid back type and is no doubt calmly adjusting to fatherhood. I believe he called his son "Davo" after my good self...although I may have made that up

Nialler ladies and gentlemen....he called his son after me
 
Number 56a. Buddenbrooke

Buddenbrooke's Caf-shaking moment came fairly recently, when he burst excitedly into the Current Events forum, announcing that Muslims were bad.

When challenged on this theory, he became defensive, before claiming to have inside knowledge into other posters' minds...which told him that we actually agreed with him, but were unable to admit it to ourselves. This was in fairness an undefeatable argument...though I had a decent crack at defeating it, using the technique of repeatedly calling him a "spastic"

Buddenbrooke then disappeared, possibly into the Afghan mountains where he's conducting a crack special forces operation...more likely into his allotment, where he's reading German Romantic poetry, and masturbating.
 
Number 57. Kinky Melinky

Another Irish. This ones got a cool username, and rolled up to the Caf with yet another Irish sort, Bananaman. They'd amusingly tell stories of how the other had done something soft, continuing the male tradition of embarrassing your mates at every opportunity.
 
Number 56. Keane16

Feckin hell, they're all over here, stealing our jobs....

See previous 2 entries. Only real difference being this one died recently.

This doesn't please me
 
Number 54. Stoned Rose

Stoned is still probably a mod, despite dying over a year ago.

He's been dead and buried so long now that I can't remember that much about him...but he was always up to something, so narrowly missed out on a top 50 placing.

May he rest in peace
 
Number 53. Murt

Murt's infamous in Redcafe lore for 2 main reason.

Number 1 - Murt has never been to Old Trafford. He's managed to find his way to Sweden, where he lives with his lover...Sven, and tries to convert his adopted children to the way of the manc. But never managed to make the short trip to see his team play. He has many excuses for this strange act...no money, can't be arsed, scared of big crowds, 18-5. But the shocking statistic remains. Just to recap - Murt's never been to Old Trafford.

Number 2 - Murt is a bloke, yet he's a nurse. You've probably re-read that thinking you'd read it incorrectly. Now you probably think I've made a mistake. But no, he's a nurse.....a male nurse.
This point was regularly picked up on by his arch enemy Devilish...and I'm sure I wasn't alone in smiling at the Maltese legend's slattings of Murt, accusing him of "wiping up the piss". This is something nurses do apparantly, fecked if I know. Ask Murt
The bender



I can't feckin wait to get to the top 50...why the feck did I say 100?
 
Number 52. LoobyLu

One of the original Caf birds, Looby likes her scandal.

She used to support Leeds, before changing her mind due to them being racist or firefox. She then adopted the mancs. Feck me, of all the clubs she could have followed and she chose those two....I fully expect her to shortly become a Millwall fan.

Looby is also one half of one of the forum couples. She shacked up with Fireman Den a few years back now, about the same time as Rod and Nate became the Posh and Becks of Redcafe. The two couples swiftly fell out, probably due to some sort of swinging activity, and would often be found in the general...having a right go.

I like her name...LoobyLu
 
Number 51. Raoul

New Order groupie Raoul is another old timer who doesn't frequent the gaff as regularly thesedays. I like to think he's been traumatised by a meeting with UTDLOVER, and has to sit in a padded cell 5 days a week.

Raoul was starting break away forums when Slabber and Spoony were still sucking bigger boys cocks behind bikesheds. Hypersky was a respite for manc posters who wanted to relax, away from the Caf's confrontational environment. It started ok, but traffic soon died...plus Raoul was too busy shooting people in Afghanistan to give a feck about forums.

Was delighted when Veron signed, as didn't rate Scholes.
 
Number 50. Cal from Redcafe

Cal's from Redcafe.

He's also one of those weirdos who thinks everyones out to get him, almost certainly because everyone he actually knows is....due to the fact that they hate him. Cal extends this attitude to all aspects of his life...the BBC are out to get him, evidenced by the fact that they've changed the Eastenders scheduling.

Most of all, everyone's against the mancs....especially Liverpool and Arsenal. Dein, for example, is evil personified...and if it weren't for his influence Arsenal wouldn't have had any titles...ever.

Cal's from Redcafe
 
Number 49. Neil Thomson

Neil "Thommo" Thomson was a general regular back in the glory days. A all round good egg, who was well liked by all. Amusingly, he decided the best username he could dream was actually his own name....and became annoyed when everyone purposely misspelt it e.g. Neile Tumpsun

Niell's pivotal Caf moment came when he was made a mod. Tradition back then, obviously started by my good self, was to wind up newly promoted mods. Neale didn't take this too well, and tried to close the wind up thread's as quickly as they materialised. After failing in his plan, Kneel has what can only be described as an online breakdown.

Unfortunately, Nell never recovered, and quit the Caf to go travelling.
 
Number 48. Sutty

Like most other Red posters, Sutty was far too sharp for the manc majority who frequent the football forums. Unlike myself, Sutty always tried to engage in decent conversation with the halfwits, as opposed to looking down on them and dismissing them as a King would a peasant.

Sutty also became something of a general forum regular, and had a weird nickname...that annoyingly I can't remember.

Sutty disappeared overnight, I reckon refusing to take his bird to Monaco away during our recent European Cup winning season had something to do with it.
 
Number 47. Sultan

Sultan doesn't so much shake the Caf, as peacefully rock it from side to side.

Another poster that no one dislikes, Sultan is a perfect choice for a mod...staying out of gay Caf politics, and offering wisdom as a tool to dispell any trouble.

Mind you, he doesn't believe in half and half with curry....the cnut
 
Number 46. Sincher

When not fox-hunting or playing polo, Sincher can often be found on the Caf...stopping Pletch and Noodle from going to bed.

I'm not quite sure why Sincher has such a high ranking? He just does...it's one of those oddities that no one truly understands

Dislikes Southend for some reason, probably due to his old man trying to buy it for him as a present, and being knocked back.
 
Number 45. RA Softlad

Another Red, Softy regularly joined myself in poking fun at the mancs.

Best known for his endless battles with Marching. Softie had contacts within Leeds, and predicted their lack of cash based destruction in advance of anyone else on here. The suggestion was scorned by Marching, who then changed his point of view as more and more of his team's players were sold off.

Softie > Marching

Moved to Canada, where he still regularly laughs at Leeds
 
Number 44. Marching

The Caf's senior citizen at 72, Marching joined the Caf back in the days when Leeds weren't really feckin shit. An ABU and proud of it, Marching attacked the manc legions with gusto....but then he encountered Livvie.

Love struck Marching with the force of a Jonathan Woodgate stamp on an Asian student's head. Overnight, Marching changed his allegiences from ABU to ABL, desparately hoping that this bold move would lead to another Caf romance. The days on his book stall flew by, as he daydreamed about Leeds/Newcastle & manc love....

Marching still resides on the Caf, and can regularly be seen counting seats at Anfield and praying that England's Most Successful Club, Ever...encounter a Leedesque destruction. We won't
 
Number 43. Livvie

Livvie has graced the Caf with her whimsical ways since time began. She regularly posts her husbands football opinions on the Caf, in a calm and non-confrontational manner.

There's more to Livvie than meets the eye however, she is something of a scarlat lady, and has enjoyed illicit threesome romps with fellow Caf posters Marching, and 26th May 99. Livvie has refused to enter into detail re the affair, but claimed "That's not how I usually serve up my roasts".

She also loves Liverpool Fan, Solskjaer ( is that how you spell his name? Looks right...finally!), and thinks he's a far better player than he actually is.

Livvie
 
Number 42. Jasonh

Housebound, bearded Yank Jason is only of life's lucky sorts. Born into a trust fund, conseratively valued at 500 million pounds, Jason doesn't need to a day's work for the rest of his life. Unfortunately, fate is an evil bitch...and has balanced things up by giving him a face resembling a bear's arse.

Jason is a recent arrival to the ever-growing Man Utd fanbase, indeed he's only been a Man Utd supporter, or soccer fan in general for approximately 4 years. To make up on all the good times he's missed, Jason spends days on end, searching the internet to attain an encylopedia like knowledge of all things Man Utd....and is now not fully up to speed with their illustrous past, but also fully aware of how nasty the fans of other teams are, and the long-developed rivalries that exist.

As an easy target for banter, Jason could easily have become down-heartened, but no...to his credit he's a keen newbie abuser...regularly attacking their views and explaining what they should think. This is of course, until they discover that he's a Yank, who's been a fan for 4 years. Then they just laugh at him.

Jasonh, a perfect example of a foreign Man Utd fan
 
Number 41. Divine

Divine, as a Norwegian, should really be a literal gimp. However, he has managed to break through the gimp-shackles that are his birth right, and has thrown himself into the world of music journalism....in a desperate attempt to counter the cruel Norwegian coolness destroying disease.

Divine, or Divvy to his friends, enjoys a laid back attitude and a drug fuelled existence. Whilst his family members disappear to slaughter whales, Divine chills at home, with a spliff..listening to Massive Attack and wishing he was Swedish.

Divine once met Eric Cantona and engaged him in conversation...the following is an exact dialogue of the meeting.

- "Hey you, Mr Cantona, Hi...my name's Divine..but you call me Divvy. I just want to say, man, that I love you. Everything you did for us will always be remembered, not just your football....your words, so meaningful. You really were a poet both on and off the pitch. And that Palace fan, man you were so brave...he wasn't expecting that was he? You're a true rebel, like James Dean....the film star, not the ice-skater...his first name was Christopher. I'd love to interview you at some point, I'm a journalist, I could help share your wisdom to the eagerly awaiting world. What do you say?"

-"feck off, Norwegian bastard"
 
Number 40. Spoony

Topical

Spoony was Caf regular who'd turn up across the forums, trying to stir up a bit of contraversy, but was largely below radar. But how that was to change....

For reasons I can no longer actually remember, civil war erupted on the Caf. On one side there was Spoony and Slabber and some other cnuts, and the other there was Weaste and Wibble and mods and shit. In fact, this was pre-empted by some other episode in which Slabber and Weaste were partners or summat....

Anyway, the end result was a new forum..with Slabber and Spoony as the main men. The new forum was called "Slabber and Spoony hate Redcafe", and was based on hating Redcafe. More trouble was to follow, but it was so gay that I've blanked it out of my mind....

In an unexpected twist, Spoony has re-joined the Caf..he hasn't said why as yet, no doubt embarrassed by the almost certain high gayness factor that would be revealed in the answer.
 
Number 39. Spinoza

Spinoza is Pletch and Chaz's best mate, often taking time out from eating an ants nest to go down the boozer, and watch Man Utd lose.

Spinoza's claim to Caf fame doesn't end there however...here's his top 5 such claims, in reverse order

5) Spinoza comes from China or Malaysia or Thailand. But he actually lives in London....how about that?

4) Spinoza became extremely upset on one occasion, after I labelled him "gay"..on account of him sounding like a bender. He seems to have overcome this now.....well done, bender

3) Spinoza's speaks 42 languages....including english, French, Spanish, 12 different types of Indian dialect and Klingon

2) Spinoza's job involves analysing future stock market trends, and company performances. For "analysing", read "guessing"

1) Spinoza has eaten almost everything there is to eat. Bat's foetus with battered mars.....Spin's eaten it. Walrus tusk parboiled, served with doc leaves....a favourite. Despite this, his favourite dish is a Hawaiian pizza, from Pizza Hut

Let's hear it for Spinoza
 
Number 38. Ed the Red/Bahama Red

Oh look! Two for one. Why's this you ask? I'll give you 2 alternative answers and you can decide for yourself.

a) Ed and Ledge are extremely similar, in terms of outlook, length if time on the Caf, attitude.

b) I forgot one of them, so have weakly added one on the other.

Ed and Ledge are old school mancs that abandoned their club to seek their fame and fortune on another part of the vast, confused planet. Both here before I rolled up, they're reknowned for their reflective wisdom and good sense. All apart from Ed.

Bahama lives in the Bahamas, that's why he came up with the name Bahama Red. Inspirational. Ledge is a firm "Don't criticise anything, ever" type..and by his own admission a "100%er" - this means that there's no better manc fans in the world than him, even those that bother going to games. Hehehe

Ed is nearly as old as Marching and was always a firm believer in stating the obvious, he moved to America chasing the dollar, and then moved to Hong Kong on hearing you could buy used teenage girl knickers from vending machines.

They may both be losing their marbles as Father Time catches up with them, but they were shaking the Caf when most of you gimps were asking your dads if you could have a Man Utd shirt for Xmas, instead of your usual Liverpool one.

Ed, Ledge...welome to the Hall of Fame
 
Number 37. Dr Do/Don't

First off, apologies to the good doctor regarding the fact that some cocksucker tried to lob him in at number 90 odd...

Anyway, the Doctor is a fairly recent addition to the Redcafe population. He seems a fairly laid back sort, openly laughing at internet wars and the like. But I shouldn't skirt round the issue here.....the Doctor has an important role, one central to Caf amusement. He knows Noodle.

When the Doctor manages to fight off Noodle for 5 minutes, thus preventing an unwanted blow job, he's straight on the Caf to tell us all of the latest Mr Beanesque antics of the Caf's own human snake bite cure. The revelations are almost endless, but include:

1) Noodle attracts mice. No one knows why, they just follow him around.

2) When trying to think up the optimum place to store beer, Noodle settled on the idea of putting it in a rubbish bag, and then placing it outside...next to the bins. On bin day

3) Noodle breaks on average 3 sets of Ipod headphones a day. Methods include, hoovering, using as "anal beads" and placing in a rubbish bag, and then placing outside...next to the bins. On bin day.

Some claim that the Doctor makes such stories up, whether he does or not is irrelevant. Personally, I believe everything he says....why would he lie?

A Doctor and a gentlemen
 
Number 36. Grinner

I'm slightly surprised to find Grinner so high in the rankings, I blame Stan. The big fat, Dutch twat.

Anyway, Grinner the Gooner is another Brit who's decided to feck off to pastures new. Can't remember where he is now, probably America. Or Australia.

Grinner has had over 100 different jobs. Perhaps most interestingly, he was a commando in the marines...like Arnie in the film "Commando", but for the Brits. Grinner's job involved killing government targets, shooting unarmed civilians in isolated villages, and raping foreign women. Grinner doesn't like to talk about his former role, and the fact that I know so much about it will distress him....but I've watched war films, so know plenty.

Grinner is also an Arsenal fan. This automatically makes him better than Chelsea fans, Man Utd fans, and Gillespie.
 
Number 35. Bury Red

Bury didn't so much shake the Caf, as build it.

Yet another splitter cnut who decided to join the brain drain party, Bury fecked off to Dubai in order to lead a software engineering team to build the Caf and that massive feck off hotel that's about 7 stars.

Bury is a sensible head amongst the mods spazzers. In fact, you sometimes wonder how he puts up with the other feckers. I've managed to gain exclusive access to the mod forum to illustrate this point...comments in a recent thread.

Bury - Fellow mods, given the recent gay internet war chaos, we should look to set an example in how to behave. Any suggestions?

GB - I'll use my banning stick

Livvie - I used to have a beehive hair cut

Noodle - Mice

Marching - 3 people bought tickets at Anfield on the weekend, then didn't show.

Wibble - rim me?

Bury - cnuts

In his spare time he likes to put together decent Caf rhymes, dress up as a woman - wearing one of those veil things...and stone people
 
Number 34. Elizabeth

Elizabeth is addicted to sucking blokes off. No ones knows how many men Liz has orally pleasured, but scientists have devised the following formula to allow for reasonable estimates.

Men Noodle has fellated^3 * 18 * 5

When not sucking off strange men, Liz can often be found hovering round the Caf, threatening to ban VanNistlerator or actually banning Jason for being a Yank.

Liz is also a purveyor of amatuer internet pornography, in fact she once sent me a photo of her cans from a bizarre angle. This photo travelled around several posters' inboxes, and was likened to Satan and Jupiter in profile.

Liz also has a dad who says "feckin stroll on" after every sentence.

Girls just wanna have fun, Liz takes this new to a new level.

Elizabeth
 
Number 33. Shane Bluck

Fat arse nightclub doorman Shane seems to have been round for ages. If he's not hassling blokes for wearing the wrong type of shoes, he can be found on the Caf (or the other place, probably) talking about drinking 100 pints of stella an hour, going to football matches and not understanding the game, or threatening to knock ten shades of shit out of Yianni.

Shane is something of a cook, which is a girl's job. Undaunted by this, Shane likes to discuss food and shove as much if it down his fat gob whenever possible. Shane is firm backer of British food, and in this I have to agree with him....whilst foreign food has it's time and place, you struggle to beat a home cooked roast, whilst a fry up is still the top hangover cure...and fish and chips are cool.

Arguably Shane's greatest Caf moment came off the Caf. Confused? I'll explain from my perspective....

I was happily eating my dinner one night, and had made the foolish error of letting the bird have the remote control for 5 mins. She'd settled on some rubbish programme, which appeared to be about crap drivers...and showing them driving, crapply. For some reason I had a feeling I'd seen one of the feckers on it before from somewhere...then his drivingly challenged woman bollocked him about something....and more importantly named him "feck off Shane, you cnut...I'll drive at 100 mph past his school if I want to" she said.

And there he was, winding her up about her aggressive driving....banging on about having enough "swear fine cash" to get a pack of Stella, and eventually getting her to pull over, and get out of his fecking car. Madness.

So there you have it.....bouncer, fat, bird can't drive......it's Shane
 
Number 32. Melbourne Red

Melbourne is like is many Australians, in that he's half Australian half something else....in Mel's case he half Bangladeshi, which irritates him, as he likes cricket...and Bangladesh are shit at cricket. Mind you, he doesn't want to be an Aussie re the cricket either, with them being cocks, and having lost the Ashes.

Melbourne lives in Melbourne. Melbourne is a Red, a proper one mind...not some spastic Red Devil. When you stop to think about it, the "Red Devils" really is a feckin wank nickname ain't it? Another thing to add to your growing list of discredits.

Melbourne's fecked off recently, but when he was here he shook the Caf. As I've explained in detail above
 
Number 31. Gillespie

A popular choice, and a popular poster, Gillespie supports Arsenal - who play the best football in the division. Manc posters on here regularly remind him of this, and applaud his team for their easyness on the eye.

Manc fans actually get wound up to feck by Gillespie and his high-brow posts. Whenever he pops his head in, they line up to give him some stick and accuse him of going on a "business trip". I can't remember the reason for this, I'm sure it's very funny...although it does feel a bit forced.

Gillespie is named after Gary Gillespie, the ex-Red centre back. Although it's unusual for a poster to name themselves after an opposition player, Gillespie's sees through this pettyness.....he's always admired the ex-Red star, famous for his solid displays at the back, ability on the ball, and eye for a goal.

In truth, Gill is a bit of a spaz....but his contribution to the Caf rocking league table is there for all to see.
 
Number 30. DJS

DJ Sydney is neither a DJ, from Sydney, or called Sydney. That's 3 things he's not...which is the same number as the difference between how many European Cups we've won, and how many you have. This is the sort of thing DJS will point out in passing, and if he forgets, there's a fair chance that I'll pile in, post it, and then leave you lot to it....whilst giggling.

Anyway, DJS is something of a cult figure on the forums of Redcafe. As a Red, he holds the upper hand in his favoured "battle threads", often winding up the likes of VanNistlerator, Marching, and some other feckers. Only recently, he wound Guvnorspaz up to such an extend that the furious Guvnor stayed up till 5 am in the morning.

When not talking football, DJS likes to collect woodlice. He's got an old fish tank in which he keeps them...he feeds them wood, which he thinks they eat. They might do, I'm fecked if I know.

I've made the last bit up
 
Number 29. RedCharlie

Alright mucker.

You cnuts probably thought Chaz had returned for a minute there...it was only me, doing a sort of e-impression of him. I'm going to give you a bell in a minute, at your mum's gaff....I hope she's in.

Contraversial eh? The sort of thing that regularly followed Chaz around during his Caflife. I always liked Chaz, a man of the world....he'd seen and done a lot of interesting shit, and liked a beer or 10. Then his throat exploded, and he decided to cut down on the booze for a bit.

Chaz was also a fan of a wager, or was until he lost his house on a bet. He often tried to discourage others from making the same mistake that he had, and I always felt somewhat guilty by raking in a cash after cash from various betting strategies.

A ladies man who Pletch said looked like Robert Redford, Chaz would show his birds a good time, then lose his housekeys and collapse unconscious on his porch.

Chaz's final Caf days were soured by scandal involving an alleged phonecall to French Henry, and someone else. On the French phonecall, Chaz, or the Chaz impersonater allegedly sang some sort of song...which sounded feckin great.

Finally, on one occasion, Chaz was due for a trip to Old Trafford. He'd got his ticket, booked his train, then got bladdered and slept through his alarm clock, missing the lot. Quality.

So in summary.

Booze - check
Gambling - check
Ladies - check
Travelling the world cos it's better than cnutin working - check
Prone to feck ups re the above - check

You can't ask for much more than that...

Chaz, I salute you
 
Number 28. NWR

I've got to this knocked out by the end of the feckin week, and I'm at the football tomorrow, out Thursday, Friday and Saturday. It's gonna be tough, but I reckon I can manage it.

The above may sound like me wittering on about this feckin absurdly large thread...but it was also a quote direct from NWR, talking about having a wank after 17 pints of lager. We've all done it lads, you know when you just can't shoot your bolt? It's annoying at times if you're boning some new bird, and have to fake it....they think that's only a girl thing, like feck.

NWR is another old bastard whose been around for ages. A top man, despite his recent spastic Liverpool related threads, who openly admits to wishing he was a Liverpool fan and actually Welsh.

Here's some other interesting facts about the wannabe Welsh fecker, in no order of merit.

1) NWR once fell off a camel in Tunisia, whilst trying to impress his daughter. Feckin ace

2) NWR is another one of those internet dater sorts. He's recently married Looby Lo in a small ceremony on Anglesey. I was there as a special guest and was asked to perform a reading, I chose "Viz best of Letterbollocks, volume 5"

3) NWR is a fireman. During the recentish strike, NWR could be found hanging round those bins that you can make a fire in outside the station. He'd happily wave at those who beeped as they drove past, thinking it was a sign of support...it actually meant "Get back to work you lazy cnuts, all you do all day is sit round watching porn and playing cards anyway"

4) NWR was once a sailor. Which means he's almost certainly had relations with other men. This has never occured to me before, and I've suddenly lost a lot of respect for the gay twat.

These oldies are fighting their corner eh?
 
Number 27. WobblyBob

Wobbly came from nowhere, and was almost instantly accepted as being part of the general gang. Easy to banter with, easy going and bonded instantly with Nate and Kristian due to his love of dance music...this despite being 59 years old.

Such was Wobbly's appeal, that he was quickly invited to join the WGC. For those that don't know what this is, it's a group of ugly blokes from somewhere up north, who hang around in sheds...drinking bottles of Corona. They also like to take photos of each other, drinking Corona...in sheds, and this series of events led to what is surely Wobbly's finest hour.

During one Corona/shed incident someone, probably Shane (see bouncer, fat, gets feckin everywhere) took a photo of our hero. They say a picture can say a thousand words, this one said a million. Wobbly, primed with Corona, stood in the middle of the particular shed of choice...battered. It's hard to justify the look of total confusion on his face with words alone, so I won't really try. We've all been there, but not many of manage to merge clearly battered, confused, shed and looking like a gnome all together in that one perfect instant.

WobblyBob
 
Number 26. French Henry

Arguably the most missed of the Caf departure gang, French is too gentle to do any really hardcore shaking. As the name suggests, French is French, born in La Rochelle in 1984. His parents relocated to England in 89, and on arriving at school in North London, he found that he was one of 3 Henry's in his class. Teachers and classmates alike refered to him as "French Henry", and the name stuck. The other Henry's were "Big Henry", "Small Henry" and "Smelly Henry", who was from a council estate.

French is also an Arsenal fan, and has been since they signed Thierry Henry - French couldn't let his name-related opportunity slide. French was pleased with the move away from Highbury, as he sat next to that fecking woman who could be heard screaming whenever the opposition came near the Arsenal penalty area.

French is also a keen gambler, and has the rare mindset of working out how to win, instead of random punting with crossed fingers. Last year he won over £100,000, but he has little to show for it, having spent it on meals out with Chaz.

Finally, in a forum full of grade A lazy cnuts, French made an exceptional effort to claim the outright "Lazy fecker" prize all for himself. Deciding that he didn't fancy getting up one morning, he allowed himself to drift into a coma.
Doctors could find nothing physically wrong with him, and the Caf waited with baited breath, whilst his bird reported news to us. Then he just woke up, probably hungry. He's probably drifted off again as we speak....hibernating

Tres Bien

And what is a webcam circle jerk?
 
Number 25. George Scales

Fittingly, the countdown re the top 25 Caf shakers starts with a bang. Ex-heroin addict, jailbird, and soap dropper George Scales was certainly a character.

Originally joining under the username "Flowers of Manchester" (I've got a really good gag here, but guaranteed some bender will get uppity about it...your loss), George swiftly joined in the Liverpool vs Man Utd banter with gusto and aggression. Unfortunately, he was soon left chasing his tail and was forced to reassess the banter situation. George apologised for losing his rag, stating he felt "humbled" by the scouse Caf element, because we're so cool.

This relaxed approach didn't last long.

Quick to temper, George would lose the plot something feckin wicked....often asking Softie to meet him in a convenient motorway service station (located roughly so as to allow an equal journey time for both posters, George was nothing if not fair) for a fight. He'd also work himself into a right rage, threatening to punch his monitor and the like...on one occasion I was slightly worried that he was going to go on a murderous rampage such was his anger, so decided to push him a bit further.

George was a big fan of old school football, with passionate crowds and a good punch up with the opposition fans after the game. I'd hate to think of what his view would be re the whole Glazier situation, his head's probably exploded.

And some City fans beat him up once outside a pub..
 
Number 24. Giggzy

Giggzy was a general regular in the good old days, when the general was at it's peak. No one called each other spastics in those days, just cnuts, and twats, and wankers. Great days

Giggzy worked out. He used to boast about how much he could press. This is one of those alien concepts to me, like bragging about how good your car's engine is. Who's impressed by this? Birds - do you like a man who can lift some heavy stuff in the air?

Giggzy also had a big feck off pair of man breasts. He used to take steroids when he was younger, to enhance his lifting heavy stuff in the air skills. This went horribly wrong, and he ended up with a pretty impressive pair of top bollocks....he admitted this in a desperate plea for help. I like to think the Caf offered him support in his time of need...not as much support as his DD bra mind, the feckin ladyboy

When Liverpool won the European Cup for the fifth time, Giggzy was visibly crushed. I almost felt sorry for him. In the years that I've been a Caf poster, many mancs have posted of their unlikely dream of overtaking us in the glory stakes....that night in Istanbul shattered that dream for good. Giggzy admitted as much, his surrender was realistic, but also slightly distressing.

Oh well, feck him

Here's to Giggzy. If you shared a prison cell with him, you'd probably go for a titwank.

Well you lot would, I wouldn't
 
Number 23. Looking Busy

Looking Busy may look like he's busy, but the chances are that he's not. The reason for this is that LB works for the government, in some sort crazy role concerned with health and safetly. You know those blokes who come into you place of work and give you a safety talk? The one's who tell you not to pour scalding coffee over your face, or jump off the top of a crane, holding a piano.....yep, that's LB. In fact, he trains them.

LB's most newsworthy Caf incident came as a direct result of his employment status. Slabber and Big Andy found out what he did, not sure how? Probably stalked him. And then proceeded to start a fake case of some bloke getting hurt in the workplace, falling down a hole or summat. Big Andy then called all Health and Safety sorts cnuts, leading LB to jump to their defence.

I think that's what happened, I can't really remember. I should have made it sound a bit more exciting, bringing guns into it. Everyone likes guns

LB, or Ray as Slabber and Big Andy revealed his name to be, has also contributed to Caf lore in other ways. He's a keen amateur film critic, and his inciteful views can be found on the internet, helpfully guiding filmgoers in the right direction. And his bird ditched him, then took him back....was that LB?

Haven't seen him for a while, he's probably been sent to Iraq to tell the soldiers to wrap up warm when patrolling mines...it can get cold over there.
 
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