Posters Which Shook the Caf

Davo

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Recently, Liverpool FC (England's Most Successful Club), have counted down the 100 players who shook the Kop. It's been great.

As a tribute to both the Mighty Reds, sort of, and the Caf...I will follow suit and countdown the 100 posters who've made the biggest impact on the Caf*

This will be hard going, as I'm not sure I know 100 posters...nevermind 100 good ones. I shall therefore start with spastics.

Sit back, enjoy...and hope to see your name come up. A true honour.


* - I may well get bored and give up.
 
Number 100. Da Pleasure N Da Pain

Da Pleasure, or "Shitname" as he became known was an office junior called Nigel who wanted to be a rapper.

Nigel spent his early Caf days quietly in the background, but his reputation grew following some friendly banter concerning his posting name being "fecking shit".

At the peak of his Caf shaking powers, Nigel suggested we settle our internet differences with some sort of martial arts duel, with special pads. In Hull.

For this very reason alone, it could be claimed that he deserves a higher placing...he brought Hull to the forum as the place to settle disputes. Unfortunately, I haven't really thought this through, and he stays at 100.

Well done Da Pleasure, you shook the Caf....slightly.

We salute you
 
Number 99. Diarra

I'm not really up to date with Diarra's Caf work. However, he does seem to have made his presence felt of late.....in a everyone wants him banned kind of way.

Two things deserve special mention.

1) He recently started a thread in the football forum, accusing Liverpool of a lack of historical success when compared to Man Utd. This was fun.

2) He appears to have called himself after a player Man Utd were linked with in the summer, one whom they didn't sign. This was a mistake.

Diarra, welcome to the honours list. If you can read this...probably not.

Spastic
 
Number 98. TheRedFlag

TheRedFlag seems to have been around a lot of late, he's not particularly interesting...he appears to post random nothings. But...his name amuses me for some reason....particularly when you refer to it at the end of a sentence. e.g. That's a somewhat strange assumption to draw, TheRedFlag

On reading this, Da Pleasure may feel somewhat aggrieved that his Caf shaking ability has been ranked lower than TheRedFlag. He may have a point, but the time for the real discussion to start is when we reach the top 30 or so.....these pondlife can go feck themselves.
 
Number 97. Youngie

Youngie shot to Caf fame with his fine additions to the "World Cup stuff....in rhyme" thread - which some cretin deleted in the hope of getting a blow job from Noodle.

Youngie doesn't say much, and what he does isn't of great note. Unless, it's in rhyme...that's when Youngie comes alive.

He has the potential to rise up the Caf shakers ladder in the future, but he probably won't.

Youngie don't be pissed, you've made the list
It's not quite heaven, you're ninety seven
 
Number 96. Antihenry

This bloke's a Chelsea fan, and what better way to show your support to your team, than by naming yourself after an opposition player who your side was desperate to buy....and who's better than all your players.
And not just naming yourself after them, but claiming to be "anti" them. I think it's safe to presume that this character believes that he is the very opposite to Thierry Henry......namely, really shit and unsuccessful.

So in summary, shit name, Chelsea fan, shit name.

His impact's more along the lines of a gentle breeze if I'm being honest....
 
95 The King

The King specialised in long, involved, more or less totally retarded threads in the CE forum. He'd post on many issues, but there was a common theme underlying them...extremist Hindu nationalism. He would defend his arguments by invoking "internationally recognised authorities," which, however, he declined to name, due to him having just made them up

He seemed to be particularly drawn to posters who knew miles more than him about particular specialist topics...obviously on many occasions that was my good self

He was finally busted, however, by nickm, who managed to prove that his entire argument had been cut and pasted from an edition of the Milwaukee Journal...after which he passed into honourable retirement, after repeatedly, for no adequately explained reason, referring to me as a "janitor"

He was quite loveable, despite being a major spastic
 
Number 94. Jo

A blast from the past whose mention will no doubt draw a smile from some of the older forumites.

Jo was about 15 and nice enough, if prone to the odd teenage style rant. She lost a lot of Brownie points amongst Caftards after announcing something along the lines of not caring about Munich, and going on to justify her view when everyone else was going mental.

Jo was Rod's arch nemesis, on the ground's that they were both young girls, and therefore had to dislike each other. Jo was no match for Rod's verbal assaults, but didn't seem to care...and just told her to feck off.

Jo also had a sort of online fella, some lad called MPTutd or something...he once threatened to knife me with his mates. As threat's go, this wasn't one of the most fear inducing.

Well done Jo, gone but not forgotten.
 
Number 93. Anna Livvia

Anna is one of the many forumites introduced by Pletch, one of the less troublesome amongst this number.

I've never really worked out if Anna's a bloke or a bird, or both? Something tells me that they're a couple...but only the bloke posts. If this is the case, why did he choose a girl's name? I'm married, but didn't choose to add reference to my bird in my username, just in case she might have a look one day.

However, in these days of growing sexual ambiguity, it seems fair game to have some sort of weirdness in the list. Anna also told a good story about his/her mate eating shit
 
Number 91. Rehash

Rehash's Caf stay was short but memorable...sort of. The female posters didn't take to him after he developed quite a distinct catchline...namely, feck I can't remember it. Something to do with "clout"...."Show us your clout" or summat.

He's probably over the other side, talking about clout's as we speak. If so, have a special clout moment on us....if not, don't.

I couldn't give a shit, and am now desperate to get the first fecking ten out of the way
 
Rehash also turned out to be a fairly unpleasant fascist type. He did make some fecking funny posts though.

Number 90. Honest John

HJ was a top lad, from Southampton...or at least, living in Southampton, I think. The Southampton bit's not important.

He should really be further up the list

He once got battered by a poof with very long arms...a story he told with humour and gusto

He buggered off after losing his job, his dad and his missus...or something...but was never bitter

He still pops in once a year or so. It's a pleasure to see him when he does.

Nice one HJ
 
Number 89. Roy

In a forum where Devilish think's he a qualified coach, and both English and Italian, and Mozza thinks Carrick is God in human form, Roy's actual football position is understated.

Roy works/did work as a scout, before being called off to the Israeli army to shoot people (I think), and his views on young players were worth listening to. He used to publish something along the lines of "Best 100 young footballers in the world", much like this list, but not quite so interesting. Many of the players Roy highlighted have shot to fame throughout the years.

Alas, nobody's perfect, I seem to remember Gregory Vignal making one such list....alongside several young crap Man Utd players who you gimps no doubt thought were destined for the very top.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Roy...a gentlemen who shook the Caf in a quiet fashion
 
Number 88. Kofi Annan

I can't remember much of the details re Kofi, just that he kept getting banned, kept coming back and was amusing. He also used to clearly lie about everything.

There was also some sort of kick off re him being discovered for being a gimp who fancied an ugly bird. But I never really understood what was going on there, and the thread was too long for me to bother reading.

So he sort of shook the Caf, feck knows how exactly mind.
 
Number 87. Reflectorboy

Previously unnoticed among the gibbering throngs of the simple, who lurch down these corridors year on year, Reflectorboy shot to prominence last Christmas, with his assertion that you can't compare two players who play in different positions.

Originally designed, much like mediaeval proofs of the existence of God, to prove the clearly false hypothesis that Ronaldo is as good as Rooney, it received its fair share of criticism, on grounds of spasticity. But Reflectorboy, with the implacable stubbornness of the utterly wrong, defended it against all comers, along the way being forced to argue that Henry wasn't better than Ben Thatcher, nor Pele better than Ian Woan.

Eventually, backing himself into a corner, he claimed that his theory "wasn't set in stone". This was true.

Reflectorboy: a simple man, in a complicated world
 
Number 86. Barca99

Barca, or fat Sarah as I tended to think of her, is something of a rarity amongst male dominated sport fora, in that she was female, and yet no one ever tried to flirt with her, or get her to get her tits out.

Barca was a comical figure. A Man Utd fan to end all Man Utd fans, who talked with gusto about all her trips to see her teams, and how she was a better fan than everyone else. She also got carried away with here supposed ability to drink lager, telling long-winded tales of boozy days, whilst male forumites just watched...confused.

Alas for Barca, her Caf days appear to be over. Regularly scorned by heavy hitters Dans and Stan, and laughed at by most other posters, she decided to call it a day.

The fact that it she slagged off OTT's constantly and it was then unveiled that she came from Crewe no doubt assisted her decision, as did the posting of her photo.

She's probably at Old Trafford now, singing, whilst pissed.
 
Number 84. FergiesArmy

FergiesArmy, or FA, was a mad fecker. A good poster to engage with in banter re our respective clubs (which I always won), he was an extremely optimistic fan, the kind that seems to be lacking thesedays.

During one season, when you were struggling in the league, he proclaimed that you were on the verge of winning "10 league games in a row"....following a win and a defeat in your next 2 games, he'd reinstate his view that the "10 wins in a row" were actually starting from your next game. You almost came good on his promise an all

Stopped posting due to being put in prison.

I hope he remembers the happy Caf times whilst being bummed in the showers....the manc twat
 
Number 83. Robbo

Robbo was a policeman, possibly...I might have made that up. His speciality was roaring, at me, over the internet. The next day, sober and chagrined, he would return and apologise, before doing it again almost immediately.

His favourite threat was that he'd eat my eyes. Thats not good is it.

The only person he liked less than me, was Darren Fletcher. Fair play.

Robbo's - and indeed Western civilisation's - crowning achievement, is this:

Robbo said:
listen cockface...you are the most vile cumstain I've ever encountered on this forum. You monopoloise every thread you come across with some half arsed one liner that would'nt qualify for the Joe Longthorne show and then present yourself like you are the King of comedy on American prime time. You epitimise most of what I detest about the internet...opinions formed at the drop of a hat....petty jokes at the expense of others with no thought for their feelings and most of all the self absorbing egotistical self correction of spelling that really points out to every other poster that the highlight of your day is a wank to "big tit weekly". You dont have the friends here you perceive yourself to have and have the intellect of a gnat and the culmanation of this sceario will be your demise in a slow and agonising manner.


Be warned.
Click to expand...

Robbo: Fear him or ridicule him...or both...you cant say you dont miss him
 
Number 82. Beckham007

Beckham007 is a big David Beckham fan, he also likes all Serbs..or Croats....whichever Vidic is, fecked if I know.

007 may sound Bondlike, but unlike the master spy he has something of a short fuse..particularly in relation to any perceived slander towards his heroes...namely Beckham..or Serbs/Croats.

Can still be found making the odd appearance, usually after Vidic plays well. He doesn't bother defending the goalscoring ability of Kezman much anymore.

Was a pivotal figure in a historic Caf ruck when he was unjustly banned for something, resulting in me taking his side in the aftermath eruptions. Raoul threatened to ban me as a result, but I called his bluff, forcing him to back down. I can't remember what all that was about now....in hindsight we were lucky that a new forum wasn't created...
 
Number 81. redbunny

redbunny claimed to be a virgin...she was a yank teenager, so if true, that must means she sucked a whole lot of cock...as much as noodle, possibly...well, a lot, anyway

She used to send me loads and loads of PMs, saying things like, that you have to live as free as the ocean...

She never sent me any pics of her cans, though...rendering these PM's utterly worthless

Then she fecked off...a momentous event, as you can imagine
 
Number 80. thoward

I always feel slightly guilty when poking fun at thoward, as I've got a feeling that he, like his namesake, is a sandwich short of the picnic. T-ho drifts from football forum to football forum, before making the odd post along the lines of "Yeah, and Arsenal were given a throw in against us in 95 when Winterburn clearly touched it last".

More recently, (in what I believe was an attempt to prove that our 3 amazing recent finals weren't in fact the best finals in their respective competitions, ever) T-ho posted a big feck off list of games since 98 that Man Utd had played in that were "as or more exciting".

Mad as cut snake

Or misunderstood....apologies if you are genuinely mad thoward.

If you're not, you're a fecking weirdo
 
Number 79. Jopub The Gooner

Jopub was a strange one and no two ways about it. He had a clear understanding of football, far better than the manc fans who with which he'd regularly engage in hostile chat.

However, he would often get sidetracked and post loads of smilies and/or bizarre outbursts.

Perhaps his most infamous moment was when he accused someone of being a bully, and threatened to "Crush them like a beetle". Not the wisest move in hindsight, and perhaps the start of his forum downfall.

I always liked the fact that he had "pub" in his name an all...

Right that's it for tonight...it'll start getting interesting in a bit*


* feckin ages away
 
Number 78. MrMarcello

Possibly the first Yank to enter the fray....maybe not, I haven't bothering checking the previous entrants.

Marcello clearly likes football, good on him. He doesn't however understand the first thing about it, which shines through like a retarded American eclipse. Some of his previous comments have provoked angry responses, and he has on occasion been labelled various uncomplimentary names..such as an "idiot"

He's not an idiot though...oh no. In fact, he earns $60k a year and has achieved some decent military test scores...or summat

All power to you Marcello, that's a fine achievement by anyone's standards.
 
Number 77. Veng

Veng shook the Caf in a far more original way than the majority of the other top 100 superstars. He didn't really make much of an impact on the Caf through his actual posts, I still don't really know who he is.

He did however, make a brand new forum that dragged loads of posters away. Which however you look at it, is sort of shaking the Caf.

Well done Veng, number 77 with hardly any posts. A sterling effort
 
Number 76. Bodzilla

It's not easy being a Chelsea fan. Fair play you've got loads of cash and keep winning the title, but such achievements are going to get little respect from fans of the likes of Liverpool, Arsenal or Man Utd. Plus, being a Chelsea man almost certainly makes you an utter spastic.

Bodzilla bucked this trend, bravely venturing onto the forum and winning over many doubters with his sensible views, and clear knowledge of the game.

Then he went a bit mad
 
Number 74. That bloke who got into trouble with the Yank cops for posting about terrorism or something

Remember that?

All a bit feckin weird

******************
EDIT

Bruff, now called ffurby.

He was a Irish lad living in the US and didn't like it much. He joked about poisining the canteen food at school. Some kid who didnlt like him read the comment and reported him to the Cops. Who arrested him and confiscated his computer. Luckily they let him go because they thought a canteen was a little bottle of water. If they had realised he had been joking about the food hall at school he would be in Guantanamo Bay by now.

*******************************************
 
Number 73. Yianni

Hairy Greek Yianni has entertained on many levels...from being the continual victim of hairy mum jokes, to long winded forum wars with other posters. A couple of incidents deserve special mention.

1) Aussie/Greek hybrid Yianni once talked with relish about how he was saving up to buy certain items of Man Utd jewellery - rings with the logo on or other such shit. When he rightly pulled up about this, he changed his position...claiming he was joking.

2) After finding his club deposed as Champions by Arsenal, Yianni made himself better by declaring his own team as "True Champions"...when eventually asked to explain what this actually meant, he changed his position...claiming he was joking

A long time foe of lardarsed Shane Bluck, I'm sure I'm not the only one who secretly hopes that one day their verbal jousts will actually turn into into real punches.

I'd pay to see that Yianni, using disposable razors as currency if you'd prefer.
 
Number 72. Ryansgirl

After the trauma of being raped by Theirry Henry, Ryansgirl thought long and hard about how she could enact her revenge. Then it came to her, she'd soon crush the Arsenal legend by continually posting negative threads about him in a football forum....ones with loads of smilies.

As arguably the best player in the world, it could be said that Henry has managed to shrug off Ryangirl's vindictive attacks...but has he really? He doesn't score many against the best teams (except he does) and some days he doesn't play fantastically.....

I'll leave you to decide...

:nervous: :confused: :lol: :mad: :p :wenger: :devil:
 
Number 71. Giggsysgirl

Another bird makes the list. Giggysgirl lived in New York and would sit in internet Cafe's for hours, posting about how odd people were sitting next to her.

Generally well liked by general forumites, I thought she was dull as feck. She clearly fancied me, but couldn't swallow her pride to admit as such. It would have done her no good in fairness.

I believe she disappeared after Andy asked her to get her "Gash out", I may have made that up...but either way, Andy gets the blame
 
Number 70. Wellesley

It's hard to find the word's to describe this fella's contribution to the Caf.

A right wing old Yank, who was crippled or summat, there was nothing he liked better than discussing the greatness of the all conquering Yanks and how the evil empires of Iraq, Afghanistan and the Isle of Wight were no simply no match for them.

In a cruel twist following a summer invasion of a Yank conversative forum, Wellesley came back to the Caf with us. He quickly became a current forum regular, slating anyone naive enough to think that Bush was lying in his claims of Iraq'a weapons of mass destruction. Ok, no one could find...fair play the man in charge of locating them admitted he didn't think they'd got any....but Bush has said they did, why would he lie?
On one occasion a press report broke claiming that evidence of WMD has been found....old Well was swiftly here, gloating and laughing at the non-believers....sadly, the report was a hoax. And when I say "sadly", I mean "hilariously"

A god-loving maniac who'd only be in true peace when all those nasty Allah types were nuked out of existence.

Utter twat, hope he's currently being raped by an Arab.
 
Number 69, hehehe. Stamford Bridge

Right, hopefully this will be soothing...

Stamford rolled up after that Russian fella turned up, a coincidence I'm sure. As with Bod, it's obviously difficult to be a Chelsea fan...but even allowing for this hindrance, SB's football related posts tend to range from the "a bit rubbish category" to the "Eh? That doesn't work on any level, are you drunk?".

Perhaps more interestingly, Stamford has become a current events regular, and is the founder of the BNP, or something along those lines.

Stamford Bridge is also where Chelsea play their home games, and costs £1000 per ticket.

Stamford Bridge
 
Number 68. Laura

For years it was thought that Laura was in fact a builder from somewhere up North, named Steve. In fact, she was disqualified from "Girlfight, in bikinis" on this very basis.

However, Laura then posted her photo on the sight...and seemed to develop something of a fan base amongst many of the Caf males. This also had the affect of making her extremely unpopular with several of the Caf females. Girls are a bit like that.

The whole photo thing would normally be enough for her to climb to a higher position, but not sure she's ever posted anything re football apart from the fact that she fancies Gerrard and Alan Smith.
 
Number 67. K-Standard

Hard hitting, slut dating, K-Standard may not have rocked the Caf in high ranking way....but he certainly rocked the bloke who was shagging his bird (up her arse) but hitting when he was least expecting it.

The aforementioned shagger was relaxing after a bout of fingering K's missus in a club, when K steamed in and leathered him one. It was a good shot, smashing his teeth or summat, and prompting concern from our have-a-go-hero re legal action.

Luckily, that seems to be over...and K is happily back with his bird (no idea if this is true or not), despite the fact that she's still sleeping around (taken as a given).

K-Standard, the Caf salutes you...and whilst many of us have/will probably your missus, we certainly won't turn our backs on you after doing so.
 
Number 66. Celine

French fancy Celine caught all male caftard's imaginations with her seemingly innocent, yet also strangely dirty, flirtations and fun packed posts.

This reached it's peak after she jokingly posted a thread entitled "Guess what colour my knickers are today?"

Posters blood pressure went through the roof as football banter and calling Boring a gimp was temporarily forgotten.....christ, I got a semi...and I'm a real person....
 
Number 65. Smashedhombre

Perhaps contraversially low, given he has some supporters in Cafworld. Unfortunately, I've never really seen what the fuss is about? Also, I confuse him with BeardedGenius, and am then disappointed when I discover it's only Smashed..

Rest assured Smashed, BG will be far higher up the list.
 
Number 64. Ellie Brown

Kiwi Ellie is liked by everyone, as far as I know. Unlike many posters her topics are mainly concerned with things that are happening in real life, such as getting a new job...or having a kid. Interesting, but you can't help think that she'd be higher up the rankings if she'd focused on farting, cheesy peppers and pretending that she once dropped a tray full of cups of tea....in rhyme.

Her impact has been noted however, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who wondered if her cans grew whilst she was knocked up
 
Number 63. Wizardkeyz

Poor old Wizard.

Easily confused by the simplest of matters, the friendly Wizard decided that the best way to gain love was to feck off abroad, and give some bird 25k. She eagerly accepted, instantly told him she loved him, then spent it all on all day drinking sessions/ cocaine binges (probably).

Then, amazingly, once the cash had run out she decided that they should just be friends...except they shouldn't actually bother staying in touch.

The story does have a happy ending however, Wizard is now far more worldlywise and recently shagged some bird in an alley after pulling her in a club. She's currently off on a round the world trip, on the yacht he's just bought her.

Wizard, you're top value fella.

P.S. I love you, can I have some money?
 
Number 62. The Kippax Kid

Despite being an old woman, whom in general I have little time for, Kippax has made an interesting contribution to Caf law.

Being a City fan she may appear an easy target for the Man Utd fans, she can't look down on them in the say way Liverpool fans can, she can't point out that they don't play the game with the style of Arsenal, or that they're not as good as Chelsea. However, she's happy to point out that she goes to games, and enjoys doing so....giving her a different form of upmanship over the vast majority of forum Red Devils.

Kippax has also been accused of being a man, and has indulged in forum wars whilst thrashed. On one occasion she was deleted..I know this because her username went dead small and was no longer bold.

I wonder how big her tits are?
 
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