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Top Ten Reasons for being a Serb:
1. You are not a Croat.
2. Basketball team.
3. You can choose between several war criminals in Presidential elections.
4. You can enjoy the positive media coverage of your country when abroad.
5. You can fight 600 year-old battles against the Turks and their domestic collaborators, be convinced that it's happening right now, and not be entirely wrong.
6. You can always go to Greece and Cyprus and fear nothing.
7. Grilled meat and slivovitz.
8. You get to drink slivovitz and eat grilled meat even when under economic sanctions.
9. You are the only European country which was bombed by NATO.
10.Every now and then you get to fly to the Hague at someone else's expense.
Top ten reasons for being a Croat:
1. You're not a Serb
2. Soccer team.
3. You get to pretend that your language is different from Serbian, although it's really not.
4. Dubrovnik.
5. You get to dream about independent Croatia.
6. Every now and then you get to sing "Danke, Danke,Deutschland," and continue to dream about independent Croatia.
7. You have a thousand-year culture of which no one has heard.
8. You have a democratically elected President who is not ashamed of being a Croat.
9. The glorious World War Two past.
10.You have a thousand-year culture....
Top ten reasons for being Bosnian:
1. You can get asylum anywhere except in Serbia.
2. You can pretend that your state exists.
3. Kebab.
4. You can pretend that Sarajevo is a really cosmopolitan European city when you know that it is not.
5. Great kebab.
6. You can be visited by Francois Mitterand, Bernard Henry-Levy,Susan Sontag, and Bill Clinton and it still doesn't make a difference.
7. Free round-trip to any Moslem country.
8. You get to be bombed by a psychiatrist.
9. You can fly your flag in the UN but nowhere else.
10.Foreigners give you money and don't ask any questions.
Top ten reasons for being Slovenian:
1. You can speak the beautiful Slovene language and know that no one cares except you.
2. You can feel superior to all former Yugoslavs.
3. You can drink after work.
4. You can pretend to live on the "sunny side of the Alps," although you know it's not that sunny.
5. You can pretend that you are as good as any German while secretly enjoying the fact that you are a Slav.
6. Good relations with Italy and Austria.
7. You can afford to be Yugo-nostalgic.
8. You can marry a Slovene and have Slovene children who speak Slovene.
9. You don't have to be ashamed when abroad.
10.No one bothers you because no one really cares.
Top ten reasons for being Macedonian:
1. You can call yourself Macedonian and not get killed by a Bulgarian, Greek, Serb or Albanian.
2. Fresh tomatoes, watermelon and tobacco.
3. You can pretend you are a descendant of Alexander the Great and piss off the Greeks.
4. You get to be sad and suffer while listening to folk music.
5. Good relations with your neighbors, especially Greeks and Albanians.
6. American soldiers on your territory.
7. You get to call your country The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia.
8. Fresh tomatoes, watermelon, and tobacco.
9. You can successfully pretend your language is not Bulgarian.
10.Everyone is interested in the stability of your country except your neighbors.
Top ten reasons for being Montenegrin:
1. You can be proud of your heroic past and not being conquered by the Turks for 500 years.
2. You can sing epic songs about your heroic past and not being conquered by the Turks for 500 years.
3. You can think of Russia as your Mother, although Russia does not know you are her son.
4. You can combine orthodoxy with Stalinism with love of Russia and still think that you are better and more progressive than the Serbs.
5. Goat cheese, grilled lamb, and grappa.
6. You get to kill at least one person in a vendetta and defend your honor.
7. If you are a woman you can kill your husband and everyone knows why you did it.
8. You can smuggle cigarettes to Italy and live like a king.
9. You don't have to work even when you have to.
10.You don't have to work....
Top ten reasons for being Albanian:
1. You can always swim to Italy.
2. You can choose between a president who stole your whole income, one who killed all your relatives, or go fight the Serbs in Kosovo.
3. You can be proud of being from "the land of the eagle."
4. You can always swim to Italy.
5. You can take weapons from any army garrison and defend your honor.
6. You can get killed in a vendetta and be remembered as the hero of the family.
7. You get to be called the poorest country in Europe.
8. You can live in the ecologically cleanest country in Europe.
9. You can always swim to Italy
10.You are proud of being "from the land of the eagle."
Top ten reasons for being a Yugoslav:
1. You can be proud that you are neither a Serb, nor a Croat, nor a Slovene, nor a Bosnian, nor a Macedonian, nor Montenegrin, nor an Albanian, although you are one or more of the above.
2. You don't have to feel bad about being "Yugo-nostalgic".
3. You can have a husband/wife from any part of Yugoslavia and still eel like the country never fell apart, especially if you are abroad.
4. You get to listen to Serbian, Croatian, Bosnian, Slovenian, Macedonian, Montenegrin, and even Albanian music and feel that it's quite OK.
5. You don't have to be ashamed of your Titoist past.
6. You can sing Partisan songs from World War Two or rock-and-roll from the 1980's.
7. You get to be cosmopolitan and spit on all the nationalists.
8. You get to be researched by foreign sociologists interested in your identity.
9. You are invited to speak about Yugoslavia at conferences abroad.
10.You are a good candidate for a Soros stipend.
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In a school in the republic of Georgia the teacher asked the students to tell about their fathers.
"Turashvili, tell about your father."
"My father grows oranges. He takes them to Moscow, sells there and makes good money."
"Now you, Beridze."
"My father grows laurel leaves. He takes them to Moscow, sells there, and makes good money."
"Now you, Klividze."
"My father works in the Division for the Fight Against Embezzlements and Speculations. When Beridze's and Turashvili's fathers go to Moscow, they always first see my father. So he makes good money."
"Now you, Chavchavadze."
"My father is a chemical engineer."
The class burst in laughter.
"Children," the teacher said. "It's not good to laugh at somebody's grief."
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This is Armenian Radio; our russian listeners asked us: “What to do if vodka interferes with the job?”
We’re answering: “Get off the job.”
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In Odessa, a lecturer gave a public talk entitled "Is there life on Mars?"
When he finished, he asked, "Any questions?"
"Yes. When will we have a life in Odessa?"
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Montenegrin entering a cafe, sees a beautiful girl, approaches, and asks:
-What ya drink?
-Coca cola.
-Then where is it on your table???
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Little Boy Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."
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Do you know how do they build motorways in Montenegro? NO?!
-They build one kilometer and then just end it with a sign “ETC.”!
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Magic Johnson, Byron Scott and Vlade Divac took a trip around the world with a plane in the 90s. After flying for some time, Magic gets bored, he puts his hand out of the window and says: "Oh, we are still flying over the States."
Others ask: "How do you know that?"
Magic: "I touched the Empire State Building."
Some time passes and Scott gets bored. He puts his hand out of the window and says: "Oh, now we are flying over France."
Others ask: "How do you know that?"
Scott: "I touched the Eiffel tower."
Soon after that, Divac gets bored as well. He puts his hand out of the window and says: "Oh, now we are flying over Yugoslavia."
Other two look surprised: "How the hell do you know that? Yugoslavia doesn't have any tall buildings."
Divac: "Because somebody has stolen my watch."
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Montenegrin couple making love. She, all messed up in excitement moans:
-Tell me something dirty!
-Your kitchen is dirty, your bathroom is dirty, and seems you haven’t had a bath for a week!
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Do you know the name of that movie where Montenegrin works and studies???
-Science fiction!
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A man is screaming out of the sea: -Help! –Help!
A group of Montenegrins standing on the beach:
-See, that man is drowning.
-Yeah, drowning for sure.
-And we’re standing here.
-Yeah, standing.
-Then why don’t we sit!
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Montenegrin and Japanese floating in a boat, enjoying it, but in one moment the hit a ridge.
-Oh, crap, what shall we do?-cried out Japanese and jumped into the water.
-Oh, shit, look at him, he would always do something!
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Montenegrin saw a man walking his snail.
-Oh, what a nice snail you have! I had one, but it run away from me!
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Adam and Eve A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
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Montenegrin yelling calling his wife:
-Skvoooo, skvoooo!
-What is it already?
-Draw me chess table on my back!
-Why is that?
-Just draw it!
And she did..
-There it is.
-Ok. Now scratch my B4!
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The Foreigner Once there was a man that came from Russia to America, He couldnt speak English so he went to choir and learned how to say "Me me me me me me."
Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say "He stole my dolly"
And on his way home he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say "Plug it in Plug it in."
Then he went to the store and there was a murder the police said "Who killed this man?"
The foreigner said "Me me me me me me me."
The police said "Why did you kill him?"
And the man said "He stole my dolly."
The police man said "What did you kill him with?" The man said "Big butcher knife big butcher knife." Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death. The police man said "any last words?" And the foreigner said "Plug it in plug it in."
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Ten Montenegrins’ commandments:
1. A man was born tired, and lives to rest.
2. Kiss your bed like you kiss yourself.
3. Rest at day that you can sleep at night.
4. Do not work-working kills.
5. If you see somebody resting-do help.
6. Work less than you can, and the much you can, pass to somebody else.
7. The salvation is in tree shades-nobody has ever died of resting.
8. Working brings illness, do not die young.
9. If you ever feel an urge to work: sit and wait, you will see it will pass.
10. When see people eating and drinking-approach and help, when see them working-move away to give them space.