The Black Adder

Dish and Dishonesty...

Pitt the Younger: I intend to put my own brother up as a candidate against you.
Blackadder: And which Pitt would this be? Pitt the Toddler? Pitt the Embryo? Pitt the glint in the milkman's eye?

...

Blackadder: Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. Name: Baldrick. First name...?
Baldrick: Er, I'm not sure.
Blackadder: Well, you must have some idea...
Baldrick: Well, it might be Sod off.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: Well, when I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes, "Hello, my name's Baldrick," and they'd say, "Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick."
Blackadder: All right, right right right right, Mr. S. Baldrick. Now; distinguishing features... None.
Baldrick: Well, I've got this big growth in the middle of my face.
Blackadder: That's your nose, Baldrick. Now; any history of insanity in the family? Tell you what, I'll cross out the in. Any history of *sanity* in the family? None whatsoever. Now then; criminal record...
Baldrick: Absolutely not.
Blackadder: Oh, come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP, for God's sake! I'll just put fraud and sexual deviancy. Now; minimum bribe level...
Baldrick: One turnip. Oh, hang on, I don't want to price myself out of the market.
Blackadder: Baldrick, I've always been meaning to ask: Do you have any ambitions in life apart from the acquisition of turnips?
Baldrick: Er, no.
Blackadder: So what would you do if I gave you a thousand pounds?
Baldrick: I'd get a little turnip of my own.
Blackadder: So what would you do if I gave you a million pounds?
Baldrick: Oh, that's different. I'd get a great big turnip in the country.

...
 
reelworld said:
I love this from eps Head:

Blackadder: Right Baldrick, let's try again shall we? This is called adding. If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?
Baldrick: Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes... and no. Let's try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make?
Baldrick: A very small casserole.
Blackadder: Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there?
Baldrick: Three.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: ...and that one.
Blackadder: Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?
Baldrick: Oh. Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes. To you Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?
:lol:
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that is indeed a class bit
 
I didn't watch the first time round, and watched them all on dvd last year. It's brilliant. Made me piss myself and I couldn't enough.
The last episode really did bring a tear to my eye.
 
the one off with oliver cromwell was funny too, the king as tony blair
 
Here's an annoyingly long post...and spoilers!

Blackadder II:

Blackadder: The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own satanic HERD.

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Baldrick: Have you got a plan, my lord?
Blackadder: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it.

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Baldrick: I've been in your service since I was two and a half, my lord.
Blackadder: Well that is the why I am so utterly sick of the sight of you.

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[Percy and Queen Elizabeth are playing frisbee]
Lord Percy: [Catches the frisbee] Howzat.
Queen Elizabeth: Percy, who's Queen?
Lord Percy: [Throws it away] Butterfingers.

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Blackadder: This place smells worse than a pair of armored trousers after the Hundred Year War. Baldrick! Have you been eating dung again?
Lord Percy: My Lord! I have waited on your return!
Lord Percy: [hugs Blackadder]
Blackadder: And thank God you did, Percy, for I was just thinking to myself, "My God, I die in 12 hours, what I really need now is a hug from a complete prat."
Lord Percy: After literally an hour's ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold, pure gold.
Blackadder: Are you sure?
Lord Percy: Yes, my lord. Behold.
Blackadder: Percy... it's green.
Lord Percy: That's right, my lord.
Blackadder: Yes, Percy, I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of gold is gold. That's why it's *called* gold. What you have discovered, if it has a name, is "green".
Lord Percy: Oh, Edmund, can it be true, that I hold here in my mortal hand a nugget of purest green?
Blackadder: Indeed you do, Percy, except, of course, it's not really a nugget, it's more of a splat.
Lord Percy: Well, yes, a splat today... but tomorrow - who knows, or dares to dream?
Blackadder: So we three alone in all the world can produce the finest green at will?
Lord Percy: Just so. Not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually.

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Blackadder: Shut up, Balders. You'd laugh at a Shakespeare comedy.

Blackadder the Third:

Blackadder: I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

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Baldrick: Morning, Mr. B.
Blackadder: Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.

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[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]
Baldrick: I'm glad to say you won't be needing that pill, Mr. B.
Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick: They certainly are.
Blackadder: Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?
Baldrick: We do nothing...
Blackadder: Yup, it's another world-beater.
Baldrick: No, wait. We do nothing... until our heads have actually been cut off.
Blackadder: And then we... spring into action?

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Mrs. Miggins: Bonjour, Monsiuer
Blackadder: Excuse me.
Mrs. Miggins: It's French.
Blackadder: So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating on the streets.

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Blackadder: [to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.

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Blackadder: Sir, may I be allowed a short violent outburst?
Prince George: Why yes of course.
Blackadder: DAMN.

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Baldrick: Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.
Blackadder: The phrase, Baldrick, is "a case of sour grapes" - and yes it bloody well is.

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Mrs. Miggins: The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! He's so exciting, don't you think?
Blackadder: Actually, I think he's the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.

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Blackadder: We hate the French! We fight wars against the French! Did all those men die in vain on the fields of Agincourt? Was the man who burned Joan of Arc just wasting good matches?

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Prince George: What can I do to a woman that I can't do to you?
Blackadder: I cannot conceive, sir.

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Blackadder: Stick the kettle on, Baldrick
Baldrick: What? Aren't we going to France?
Blackadder: Of course we're not going to France! It's incredibly dangerous!
Baldrick: Well, how you gonna win your bet?
Blackadder: Simple, Baldrick. By the use of the large thing between my ears.
Baldrick: Ohhh. Your nose.

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Blackadder: [after Baldrick finds out about the "plot" to kill Prince George, Blackadder leaves him, telling him he might not cope more than five minutes without him, and places a bet] Four minutes, twenty three seconds, Baldrick. You owe me a groat!

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Baldrick: [Blackadder slams the door] Something wrong, Mr. B?
Blackadder: Oh, something's *always* wrong, Balders... the fact that I'm not a millionaire aristocrat, with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino, is a constant niggle.

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Blackadder: I will suffice to say, 'sod off and if we ever meet again it will be one billion years too soon'
[Leaves]
Baldrick: Goodbye you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard!
[Blackadder comes back into the room looking murderous]
Blackadder: I fear you will soon be eating those badly chosen words, Baldrick. I wouldn't bet one groat that you could last five minutes here without me!
Baldrick: Oh, come on, Mr B. It's not as though we're gonna get murdered or anything the moment you leave.
Blackadder: Hope springs eternal, Baldrick.
 
Finished season 3 yesterday, and continue to season 4.
Not as good as the first two, but still entertaining.
I gained new respect for Hugh Laurie. I know him only from Stuart Little and House MD, but goodness he's a fantastic comedy actor in Black Adder.
 
Personally, i'm quite a fan of season 1. 3 is my favourite though. I haven't actually seen 2 properly, which is quite shocking.
 
Blackadder is absolutely class, season 4 is my favourite one. The ending to that is a touch of genius and breath taking.

Blackadder: "I know from long experience all my men have the artistic talent of a cluster of colour-blind hedgehogs in a bag".
 
1 is funny, and good, until you watch 2. Then you realise that from season2 onwards, Blackadder is possibly the greatest comedy ever written, and you can just ignore 1.

I think 3 had the best performance ever, from Hugh Laurie. 4 is the funniest.
 
spinoza said:
1 is funny, and good, until you watch 2. Then you realise that from season2 onwards, Blackadder is possibly the greatest comedy ever written, and you can just ignore 1.

I think 3 had the best performance ever, from Hugh Laurie. 4 is the funniest.
Click to expand...

Indeed.
I need to find similar comedy with the same tone. Any recommendations?
 
Here's one historical series with dazzling sarcasm, irony and pathos.........

uppompeii_1_396x222.jpg
 
Finished all four season. Goes Forth is pure class. I love how the generals was potrayed as a complete idiot.

Melchett: Good man. Now, Field Marshal Haig has formulated a brilliant new tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field. [they gather around a model of the battlefield]
Blackadder: Now, would this brilliant plan involve us climbing out of our trenches and walking slowly towards the enemy sir?
Darling: How can you possibly know that Blackadder? It's classified information.
Blackadder: It's the same plan that we used last time, and the seventeen times before that.

Melchett: E-E-Exactly! And that is what so brilliant about it! We will catch the watchful Hun totally off guard! Doing precisely what we have done eighteen times before is exactly the last thing they'll expect us to do this time! There is however one small problem.

Blackadder: That everyone always gets slaughtered the first ten seconds

:lol:
Plechazunga said:
The greatest passage of dialogue IMO is the sequence in 4 where George asks how the Great War started. "Unfortunately, there was one small flaw in the plan..."
Click to expand...

Baldrick: No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? and, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? and there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?
Edmund: Do you mean "How did the war start?"
Baldrick: Yeah.
George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire-building.
Edmund: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved of blame on the imperialistic front.
George: Oh, no, sir, absolutely not. (aside, to Baldrick) Mad as a bicycle!
Baldrick: I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry.
Edmund: I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.
Baldrick: Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.
Edmund: Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it was too much effort *not* to have a war.
George: By (Gum? [it's not `God']) this is interesting; I always loved history -- The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives, all that.
Edmund: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.
Baldrick: But this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?
Edmund: Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
George: What was that, sir?
Edmund: It was bollocks.
Baldrick: So the poor old ostrich died for nothing.

pure pure gold all around.

The end was fantastic as well. It's very rare to see a really touching ending to a such funny TV show.
 
Those last 2 lines are comedy gold :lol:

I also like it when

a) they are studying a map of the ground gained in the war and Blackadder asks what the scale is only to be told that it is 1:1, and
b) George asks what the procedure is when you stand on a landmine.
 
I'm in love with Blackadder. I had watched it earlier when i was a lot younger but now having seen it again after reading this thread, I am convinced that a funnier television series has not been made.
 
[Baldrick has walked into the living room, carrying the front door]
Blackadder: Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about to give phenomenally good.
Baldrick: You said "get the door".
Blackadder: Not good enough. You're fired.
Baldrick: But my Lord, I've been with your family since 1582.
Blackadder: So has syphilis, now get out!

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Perkins (Edmund's guard): Settled in and happy are we then, sir? Said all our last goodbyes.
Blackadder: Oh, no need for that, Perkins. I've just dashed off a couple of notes, one asking for a sponge bag, and the other sending for my lawyer.
Perkins: Oh, your lawyer now, yes Sir. Don't you think that might be a bit of a waste of money, sir?
Blackadder: Not when he's the finest mind in English legal history. Ever heard of Bob Massingbird?
Perkins: Oh, yes indeed, Sir! A most gifted gentleman!
Blackadder: I remember Massingbird's most famous case, the Case of the Bloody Knife. A man was found next to a murdered body: he had the knife in his hand, thirteen witnesses that seen him stab the victim, and when the police arrived he said, "I'm glad I killed the bastard." Massingbird not only got him off, but he got him knighted in the New Year's Honors list, and the relatives of the victim had to pay to have the blood washed out of his jacket.
Perkins: And he's a dab hand at the prosecution, Sir.
Blackadder: Yes, well, look at Oscar Wilde.
Perkins: Oh, butch Oscar.
Blackadder: Big, bearded, bonking, butch Oscar - the terror of the ladies. 114 illegitimate children, world heavyweight boxing champion, and author of the best-selling pamphlet, "Why I Like To Do It With Girls". And Massingbird had him sent down for being a woopsie.
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Comte de Frou-Frou: How dare you, you filthy weasel!
Soldier: Weasel? Ha! You´re one to talk, aristo-warthog!
Comte de Frou-Frou: Warthog? Ha!
Soldier: Ha!
[Blackadder interrupts]
Blackadder: Excuse me, Frou-Frou…
[to Soldier]
Blackadder: Look, mate, me old mate… we're both working class; we both hate these rich bastards. I mean, come on, come on me old mucker… just let me go - you've got nothing against me.
Soldier: On the contrary… I hate you English with your boring trousers and your shiny toilet paper… and your ridiculous preconceptions that Frenchmen are great lovers! [leans closer and lowers voice] I'm French, and I'm hung like a baby carrot and a couple of petits pois…
Farewell "old mucker"… and death to the aristos!!
Baldrick: Death to the aristos!!
Blackadder: Oh shut up, mouse-brain.
Comte de Frou-Frou: Why do you waste your words on this scum? Have no fear! The Scarlet Pimpernel will save us!
Blackadder: Ha! Some hope. The Pimpernel is the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the A.D. 31 Best Disciple Competition.
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Simply priceless !!
 
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