CRISTIANO TAKES A STAND
Scene 1
Cristiano sits on a balcony in Portugal with his mother, who watches him intently as he drinks a glass of water. He is trying to ignore her gaze. It is sunny there and they are having continental chicken salad, speaking in thick European accents because they are Portuguese.
MOMMA: - so you must try… you must.
CRIS: I just don’t think I can momma. They are too big and famous and they have won so many American football leagues. We just can’t go around messing with them. Momma they own the whole thing. All of the Manchester.
MOMMA: The Manchester has been ruined by these awful, awful men. We must stopa them for all the fans, all over the world!
CRIS: I know. I just… it is Leo. He is playing well momma. And you know, I must try to be the goatboy of the world.
MOMMA: You know you are already a Goatboy! You are a goatman! (she slams her fist down on the table, hard – then catches herself, and softens) Please my sweet Cristiano. You must stand up like one. Forget Messi, listen to me when I say it is Glazers. You are with the fans. Ona the pitch, and offa the pitch. You have gota to do it for your momma.
CRIS: I am goatman? I am? Yes I am, I know that I am goatman.
(Cristiano takes a big gulp of water, and grimaces)
CRIS: Then I shall be doing it momma. For you. But I cannot promise it a will be easy. I am ascared.
MOMMA: It will be easy as peasy. We will go to the sky!
*FADE TO BLACK*
Scene 2
*FADE IN, CRIS IS SAT ACROSS FROM GEOFF SHREEVES FOR AN INTERVIEW*
GEOFF: Cristiano – you’ve finally joined me for an exclusive interview with us here at Sky and I’m so grateful you did. It is a big question, you knew I was going to ask it. We have heard so much speculation about your future. Are you here for the season?
CRIS: Well a Geoff, I want to say somethings about my future that will make you surprise and it will make many, many people happy.
Momma Ronaldo raises a clenched fist, and mouths “SAY IT”.
GEOFF: So Cristiano I would love to hear, what is it that you want to tell us, and to tell the fans of Manchester United?
CRIS: The Manchester fans need to know I am with them… on the pitch and… so… so I believe… that we are, and in us and we are going to be best, because I believe we have some very good players and they are together now to win matches. But in the future, who knows, it is for now and I am happy here to try and win again.
Off screen, Momma Ronaldo is seething. She gestures to Cristiano that she is going to strangle him.
CRIS: I must go now.
GEOFF: Okay Cristiano, thanks very much!
Scene 3
STAR SWIPE TRANSITION, MOMMA RONALDO IS DRIVING WITH CRISTIANO TO CARRINGTON
MOMMA: I must speak to him, he is the only one who can speak. If you cannot be a man then we will see if Tenhag has balls to make decision.
CRIS: Be careful momma. He is not a nice man.
MOMMA: And I am not nice woman!
CRIS: Momma.
Momma Ronaldo gets out the car, slams the door and locks it, with Cristiano waiting inside.
CRIS: (wearily) I just want to score goal…
***Time lapse, sun sets and rises as Cristiano sleeps in the car.***
MOMMA: Wake up Cris. Cris I am here.
CRIS: What time is it? Am I late?
MOMMA: I make a plan with Tenhag, you get to have meeting with Mr Joel and you can say what you meant to say to Mr Geoff.
CRIS: I will say to Joel?
MOMMA: You will say to Joel and to Avram and to any one of them who will listen. You will say you refuse to play for Glazer and you WILL say it or I will say for you.
CRIS: Where will I go momma? All the Milans have said no.
MOMMA: You go nowhere. They go Cristiano - they go. We must kicka them out onto their American asses! Then we will win ballon d’or for bravery.
CRIS: There is such thing?
MOMMA: They will make for you Cristiano. Now you can go and train. I will starta the real work.
Scene 4
[MONTAGE]
Momma Ronaldo sits at her desk, cracks her knuckles and logs in to Cristiano’s Instagram account.
Meanwhile… Ronaldo scores goal after goal in training. He celebrates each one incredibly enthusiastically. Pull focus as Eric Ten Hag smiles and shares a knowing look with Steve McLaren. “Ballon d’or for bravery,” Steve mutters under his breath, holding in his dutch laughter.
Scene 5
After training, David De Gea approaches Cristiano. (He is also European)
DAVID: Cris, Cris. What is this post on Instagram? I am sorry I have to say this is not Manchester.
CRIS: What are you talking David De Gea I am not on having a phone at all. Landline only at my house. I do my football and I eat chicken and I look after momma.
DAVID: Well someone is doing Instagram for you Cris I am sorry to say it. It is not a good look my friend. I can show you how to do some good posts such as apologies and love for other European players in your team.
CRIS: I would like to learn. But not now. I know who does this. They have a plan.
DAVID: We are a team Cristiano I know you want Champions League but you are here with us, you said it to Mr Geoff.
CRIS: Yes I am here. But I must be brave for ballon d’or.
DAVID: You make no sense Cris, I…
CRIS: You are just goalkeeper, you would not understand.
DAVID: That hurts Cris.
CRIS: It is truth.
David De Gea walks off and does not return to training the next day. The club contact his family and find that David did not return home that night…
Scene 6
CRISTIANO AND MOMMA RONALDO MEET JOEL AT LAST
JOEL: Cristiano, hello. And lovely to see you again Mrs Ronaldo.
CRIS: Thank you Joel. I am sorry you could not make it on Sunday.
JOEL: Was it a nice funeral? It was such a sad thing to hear. Obviously his form had not been fantastic, but he still held some resell value. This is why we have backups on the roster you know?
CRIS: It wasa very tastefully done.
JOEL: That’s terrific. Now Cris – can I call you Cris? - I only have a few minutes so we need to get to the point. Eric said you needed a face-to-face meeting with us to get some assurances. Now we see this negative, controversial content all over your socials… I don’t know what your looking for but I will say we are already paying you a high salary, even for us. It’s just not a good time to come in here, asking for another bonus clause Cris. What I can do for you though, is give you a statue. We can do two statues if you want. One at each end of the pitch.
CRIS: What are statues looking like?
MOMMA: No. NO. We do not want statue. We do not want higher salary. We do not want you Mr Joel. We hate Glazers. We are the Manchester voice and we are not going any wheres!
JOEL: Is this true, Cris?
CRIS: I am goatman.
JOEL: Excuse me?
CRIS: I AM GOATMAN. You must leave the Manchester.
Cristiano gets up from his chair and starts shaking violently, foaming from the mouth and twitching.
JOEL: I don’t know what that is. Andre, can you come in here for a moment?
Cristiano lurches forward, reaching into his blazer pocket. The all time leading international goal scorer then stabs Joel Glazer in the back of the neck with a metallic rod. Joel instantly begins to melt into black goo, sliding down the hall and out onto the street.
ANDRE: What on earth is going on in here?!
CRIS: The Manchester is free, that is what Andre.
MOMMA: Finally… a son momma can be a proud of!
fin
well. You're probably right, mate.
