I think to make sense of all this we need to start by accepting the fact that kids are daft by nature, they find peculiar things appealing, like eating sand or paste in the yard, you know.
Their imagination trumps their complete and utter lack of understanding of reality so they come up with their own interpretation of the ways of the world to make sense of their absurd existence on this floating structure through space.
So I’m wondering what could possibly be appealing to them in the clubs you folks have mentioned.
Arsenal - there’s this weird cartoonish guy who looks to be consistently on the verge of a mental breakdown running up and down the touchline, they find this appealing because in their imagination he might just go up in flames at any given moment or just do something totally insane, which is obviously exciting.
Did they win anything? No.
Will they win anything? Probably not.
Let these kids know they’re setting themselves up for eternal disappointment supporting this club, its not worth it.
Manchester City - Another weird guy on the touchline, and a really huge weird looking dude on the pitch, and they actually win stuff, they win a lot, but do these kids know about 115 charges? You should tell them, actually nah, don’t tell them.
What a shame that would be when their beloved little club gets punished and liquidated as a result, I would enjoy laughing at their wee faces, i would taunt them as they cry.
Liverpool - Klopp, another spastic weird looking dude on the touchline, holy molly I’m seeing a pattern here.
They won a few trophies and even played good football, but have these kids ever been to Liverpool?
Take them on a trip to Liverpool, see how they like it then.
Chelsea - I have no idea why would anyone find Chelsea appealing, not even a kid who eats paste, I’m totally stumped.
Like, there’s no redeeming qualities about that club at all, there’s just nothing there, a void of anything that is good, just silence.
I don’t even remember the last time I seen them play good football, maybe when Zola was there, that was before these kids dads were born, so it can’t be that.
That club is the footballing equivalent of the aftermath of Chernobyl, the event, it’s just horrific through and through.
Barcelona - yeah, I get it, I really do, there’s always something appealing about Barcelona, everything from the colors, to the badge, the football, the wonderful players who played there, but do these kids know the club is factually broke? And as a result they treat La Masia children like a sweatshop in China, these poor kids are falling apart man, its not right.
Real Madrid - This is a club that was well on course to become what Manchester United became since SAF retired.
They’ve done 2 things to prevent it from happening:
- They’ve had the greatest transfer window in the history of football (2009)
- And just as important if not more, they have hired the only person who could’ve driven Pep to not just leaving Barcelona’s managerial position, but to make him leave the damn country.
That was Jose Mourinho at his most psychopathic peak.
Real Madrid supporters should build a statue of Jose outside the Bernabeu.
Because in a very realistic alternate “no Mourinho” reality, Pep stays at Barcelona for years if not decades, by 2013 maximum Ronaldo gets tired of getting smashed by Barcelona every year, he gets tired of winning nothing, he leaves, a few other stars follow him.
Real Madrid goes through several random managers, they sign the likes of Fred and we sell them washed up Casemiro for 70m, they end up hiring Raul as interim manager at some point, they win a few Lana del Rey cups and maybe the Europa League, with de Gea smashing the decisive penalty in the final against West Ham in the top corner, he celebrates it by doing an “Adebayor” in front of David Moyes’ gormless face (in this timeline, the fax machine worked).
The End,
Also, have these kids heard about General Franco? You should tell them.
