Michael Bloomberg, Bloomberg L.P.
PROS: At 5’7”, would be the shortest U.S. president since William McKinley.
CONS: Is a tough sell as a Democratic candidate since he’s a Republican.
Jeff Bezos, Amazon
PROS: Harnessed the kind of aggression and lust for dominance that other humans have used for war to create a mechanism for online shopping.
CONS: Will, if the opportunity arises, abandon us to become
President of Space.
Bill Gates, Microsoft
PROS: Unlike most billionaires, seems aware that 1) non-billionaires can be afflicted with disease and 2) this is bad.
CONS: Murdered Jeffrey Epstein.
Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook
PROS: Speaks Mandarin, so can supervise the impending merger of American surveillance capitalism and Chinese surveillance communism.
CONS: Believes that Silicon Valley “is an
extremely left-leaning place,” suggesting that he’s never been anywhere else on earth.
Sheldon Adelson, Las Vegas Sands Corporation
PROS: His administration would answer the question, “What would it be like if Jabba the Hutt were president?”
CONS: Probably nothing unless you think it would be bad for America to
suddenly nuke Iran.
David Koch, Koch Industries
PROS: There’s nothing in the Constitution that says the president has to be alive.
CONS: Redundant, we’re already going to be ruled for the next 1,000 years by the nightmarish consequences of his climate denialism.
The Entire Walton Family, Walmart
PROS: As of
this moment, the heirs of Walmart founder Sam Walton have a combined $200 billion, almost twice as much as Jeff Bezos. They could deliver addresses from the Oval Office, taunting him in unison.
CONS: Get ready for the new minimum wage of $0.37.
Eduardo Saverin, Facebook
PROS: Could inspire Americans to make $10 billion by attending Harvard at the same time as Mark Zuckerberg.
CONS:
Renounced his U.S. citizenship to avoid taxes, but maybe he could be lured back if we all apologize.
Ken Griffin, Citadel
PROS: Embodies Schrödinger’s Paradox: He can explain that he is not driven by money while simultaneously saying we better not tax him more
because he’s driven by money.
CONS: Only spent
$238 million on his New York penthouse. Americans want a president who lives large.
Kylie Jenner, Kylie Cosmetics
PROS: Uses makeup both more skillfully and more sparingly than Donald Trump.
CONS: None.
Pierre Omidyar, eBay
PROS: Handsome, kind, wise; like Bloomberg, already has a media outlet up and running.
CONS: Campaigns are expensive, and we can think of far better uses for that money. (Unlike Bloomberg Media Group, The Intercept is a non-profit.)
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