Those who play or have played football: who is the worst teammate?

Scandi Red

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I'm talking specifically about playstyle, not personality. Otherwise various types of cnuts would win (hard tacklers, complainers, no-shows etc).

For me the worst type of teammate is the guy who only can dribble. I'm not talking about selfish ball-hoggers either. I'm talking about players who are literally unable to do anything useful besides dribbling/running with the ball. When they receive the ball, they just look straight down and damn near start sprinting with the ball glued to their feet. Their close control is excellent, but they are doomed to fail 9 times out of 10 because the only positive outcome happens when they manage to dribble past the whole opposing team. The few times they try to pass the ball it's hilariously easy for the opponent to intercept it, because it takes 3 full seconds from the moment they look up until they release the ball. It's a miracle that they don't leave the training ground with a concussion every time.

My theory is that these people grew up in a weird cult or village where they are forced to walk around with a football from the moment they learn how to walk. But to play an actual game of football is forbidden (possibly punishable by death). This is the only logical explanation. I refuse to believe that it's possible to learn that level of ball control and be so bad at literally everything else!
 
The ones that panic when you pass to them and just hoof it.

Played with some that were kinda like this, but the worst I've seen of this archetype was an opposition right back. It became genuinely hilarious because he did it every time the ball came to him even when he had acres of space to try to run into.
 
Anyone worse than me. I want to be the worse player on the pitch at all times.
 
For older leagues, its the 45-year-old Roy Keane wannabe who spends the whole match screaming at teammates, getting into fights with opponents, and putting in bad tackles. It seems inspiring for a match or two but just gets tiring eventually as you never play without some kind of drama.
 
In 5-a-side, it was the guy who thought he was prime Van Nistlerooy and didn't have to do any running whatsoever. They would spend the entire game near the opposition's box and did zero actual tracking back or defending.
 
Powderfinger said:
For older leagues, its the 45-year-old Roy Keane wannabe who spends the whole match screaming at teammates, getting into fights with opponents, and putting in bad tackles. It seems inspiring for a match or two but just gets tiring eventually as you never play without some kind of drama.
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The overweight Center midfielder - Normally called Baz. sees himself as some type of Pirlo type. Doesn't move unless its within the 8 yard parameter he has set himself. Gets the ball, blasts it forward as far as he can, ball goes out for a goal-kick. Baz stands their with waving his arms around shouting ''RUNNERS, WHERES THE RUNNERS''

The winger who looks like he is awesome - Normally called Luke or Callum. Turns up with the styled hair doo, good looking lad and obviously does well with the ladies. Wears the latest white boots, pulls his socks way above his knees and tapes his ankles like Ronaldo did when he first signed for us in 2003. He is fast. Very fast and feet are incredibly quick. He glise across the grass when he runs. Problem is, he has zero control of the ball, even often tripping over the thing. Second touch is normally a tackle. And as he is about to be substituted for being terrible, he puts on in the top corner from 30 yards. Proceeds to celebrate with a 20 yard knee slide despite it being a consolation goal in a 11-1 defeat.

The injured CB - Usually called Wayne or Dave - a good 20 years older than the rest of his team mates. Wears knee braces on both legs, cant run but is the best defender youve ever played with, nothing gets past him and he wins every ball in the air. Normally also the best captain youve played for. After the game you wonder how the hell he is going to make it into work on Monday morning.

The Sunday league manager - In his head, he is the second coming of Brian Little. In reality, he talks in riddles and cliche's. He shouts things at his team which mean nothing ''WHO WANTS IT MORE'' ''GET THE FIRST TACKLE IN''
His teamtalk before the game is where he delivers his tactics for the game which again, is delivered in Cliche's. ''Lets keep it tight, get the ball down and play football. Get it wide.''
He goes mental after a loss and tells everyone they are crap. After a win he finds a way to credit himself for his role in it.
 
Honestly for me it is the player who once scored a legitimate worldie through some fluke of physics and is now convinced that he can do it anytime he gets the ball near the opposition penalty box. It is like playing with 10 men when you have an attacker who will automatically attempt an insanely difficult shot the instant he receives the ball rather than take a few touches or God forbid pass it to someone in a better position. I am especially salty about this as my lad played for his High School team and just finished his senior year playing on the left wing and he was stuck with one of these clowns, it was soul destroying for him to pass to him knowing it was going to end up going twenty yards over the cross bar but his coach kept insisting that as a winger it was his job.
 
The glory hunter.
Pass the ball Leo you fecking knob. Shooting from everywhere and never scoring!
Dick
 
sired44 said:
The overweight Center midfielder - Normally called Baz. sees himself as some type of Pirlo type. Doesn't move unless its within the 8 yard parameter he has set himself. Gets the ball, blasts it forward as far as he can, ball goes out for a goal-kick. Baz stands their with waving his arms around shouting ''RUNNERS, WHERES THE RUNNERS''
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i can just about remember a lad called Jan Molby at Liverpool who was like that, he was a great passer though when he did move the ball.
 
The player that passes as a final option. You’ll receive the ball too late, with no space, and get clattered time after time.
 
UnrelatedPsuedo said:
The player that passes as a final option. You’ll receive the ball too late, with no space, and get clattered time after time.
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I remember being 12 and I did exactly what you described. I fancied myself as some kind of Ronaldinho. I was crowded out and passed to my teammate and then stood there admiring my pass. My older brother's mate was like 'come on, you should know as soon as I get the ball I'm in trouble, I have 3 defenders on my arse, you have to give me an out like I gave you an out'. It stuck with me after that, and I remember being made captain of my U16 team just because I displayed that awareness of always running into space, being a passing option and explaining to my teammates why this is important :lol:
 
At 5 a side, it's definitely the head down and shoot guy. I love playing against guys like that because you can always trick them into shooting from a bad angle by not pressing them and leaving a little gap for them.
 
sired44 said:
The overweight Center midfielder - Normally called Baz. sees himself as some type of Pirlo type. Doesn't move unless its within the 8 yard parameter he has set himself. Gets the ball, blasts it forward as far as he can, ball goes out for a goal-kick. Baz stands their with waving his arms around shouting ''RUNNERS, WHERES THE RUNNERS''
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This is me :lol: . I rarely leave the center circle. The only difference is I keep it simple, and my long passes are usually accurate.
 
The guy who hangs his head whenever he loses the ball or misplaces a pass and makes an act out of being dissappointed in himself. Just let it go and try your best to recover the ball please.
 
The guys who refuse to keep it simple. Always attempting the long pass/dribble/long shot/through ball/nutmeg etc. although there are better positioned team mates.

It's especially annoying when it works out because on the one hand, you just scored but on the other, you know they'll double down on it in the next match
 
- The ancient / slow CB who won't move off the 18-yard line and spends the game hollering 'where's the midfield?!?!' - it's about 40-yards ahead of you, with the rest of the game, d!ckh@d!

- Literally ANY teammate who shoots from 30-yards+

- The teammate who wants to dribble every. single. time. they get the ball. It's hardly EVER the best option.

- The lad(s) who lack composure and mindlessly hoof it clear. Nothing more infuriating than playing CM, making a 50-yard sprint back to cover a counter-attack and then watch as, rather than roll the ball 5-yards to a teammate, your full-back/CB boots it straight back to the opposition. Or boots it straight out. Usually to the sound of praise from the sidelines, who shout neolithic phrases like 'do right son, if in doubt, put it out'.

- The player who turns-up in white boots and wanders aimlessly around picking his arse because he thinks he's a classic #10 who's too silky to run, a la Juan Roman Riquelme.

- Lads who are good on the playground / in a 5-a-side but shrink amongst the hustle and bustle of a ferocious 11-a-side game in East Manchester on a council pitch in torrential rain.

- Pace merchants

- The lad who's always mouthing at the referee and or opposition players. Get on with the game.

- Lads who take corners and can't hit the pitch. People who wait for the CBs to run 60-yards when standing over a free-kick and then shoot.

- Lads who are so unbelievably crap that they have no business turning-up. I'm all for inclusivity and a few good 'clubmen' who will happily turn-up every week for 30-mins are worth their weight in gold at the very lowest levels BUT some lads are just God-awful and should stay at home.
 
Junior: The guy that got subbed in as either LB or RB and randomly started running around hunting butterflies with his shin guards outside his socks.

Youth: The pink-booted wannabe-Ronaldo winger that never tracked back and also had less end-product than hair-product.

Old:
Worst teammate: The 43 year old man-child that dives for a pen and celebrates like Suarez after scoring it.
Best teammate: The guy that lives in slow motion and misses 100% of his tackles with no less than 2 seconds.

Pro: The CB with 0 career-goals that shoots from 50 yards in the 90th minute when your team needs a goal.
 
strongwalker said:
Without factoring in the personality: the super ego dribbler who thinks he is better than he actually is
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This, in any format they ruin the game for everyone else. Refuse to pass the ball until they literally have no other option, and immediately demand it back. They often come in pairs as well, you will get a couple of players who if they pass it will only be to each other. They tend to lose as well as the rest of the players just stop running and trying as doing all the work for players who are effectively doing the football equivalent of jerking themselves off ain't much fun.

OP said playstyle not personality but the toxic complainer is pretty much a playstyle for some, usually a decent player (though not as good as they think) but the first to bitch and complain and point fingers if someone gives them a bad pass, or makes a mistake.

The people who refuse to go in nets or if they do make minimal effort and demand out after 2 mins. Sorry, if you are playing 7/8 aside cage football for an hour everyone should be prepared to do at least 5 mins if there is not a specialist keeper there.
 
Bobski said:
The people who refuse to go in nets or if they do make minimal effort and demand out after 2 mins. Sorry, if you are playing 7/8 aside cage football for an hour everyone should be prepared to do at least 5 mins if there is not a specialist keeper there.
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The opposite is equally frustrating. The lads that just don’t have the stamina to play cage football, so they get knackered after 10 mins and ask to to go in goal and then just refuse to come out and give anyone a breather.
 
The midfielder with anger issues, that can't hack it when they're not the best player on the pitch.
 
WeePat said:
The opposite is equally frustrating. The lads that just don’t have the stamina to play cage football, so they get knackered after 10 mins and ask to to go in goal and then just refuse to come out and give anyone a breather.
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Cage football can be a bit of a shock to those not used to it, honestly think it was the most fun format of football I played, high tempo 8 aside, not easy to score, proper workout of the touch and fitness, hard to beat.
 
The guy who misses easy chances, shoots when he should cross and generally puts in a shit cross when he does decide to cross it. But he'll either score directly from a corner or one of those shit crosses.

And the shin dribbler who can't control the ball, but it'll somehow always just land at their feet after every attempted tackle.
 
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