This is how it will all pan out.
JANUARY: Actress Elizabeth Hurley tells a shocked world that the father
of
her unborn child is Ipswich Town's manager, and that the tot will be
given
the surname Hurley-Burley...Dance music magazine Mixmag reveals the
result
of their search for the person who has attended the greatest number of
different clubs in the past 12 months. The winner is Steve Bruce
FEBRUARY: Bolton's slide down the Premiership table is explained when it
is
discovered that opposing defenders have been taking Vitamin D tablets to
counteract the effects of Ricketts... Disappointing ticket sales for
the Spice Girls' reunion tour begin to soar when it is announced that,
in
tribute to her husband, Victoria Beckham will start the concert on the
bench.
MARCH: Paul Ince is arrested for leaving the scene of an accident after
Arsene Wenger catches the Middlesbrough captain crashing into his 2CV,
causing damage to the front bumper. However the case collapses when, in
court, Wenger admits: "I did not see the Incey dent"... The search for
Osama Bin Laden switches to Craven Cottage amid rumours that the
Al-Qaeda
leader is trying to make contact with the sinister Al-Fayeda network...
APRIL: Elizabeth Hurley gives birth to a baby daughter whose head is
covered
in ringlets. She is christened Curly Girly Hurley-Burley...In another
shock
example of footballers behaving badly, the man who adds up
the attendance figures at Anfield is assaulted by Liverpool stars. Says
proud Phil Thompson: "My lads are the best counter-attacking side in
football"...
MAY: Blaming Leicester's relegation on a musclebound striker who doesn't
score any goals, Dave Bassett finally sells Ade Akinbiyi. He immediately
pays 30m to take Emile Heskey back from Liverpool... Arsenal win the
title
but at least Teddy Sheringham and Les Ferdinand book Tottenham's
place in Europe. They'll be going on a cheese-tasting coach trip round
Belgium with Saga...
JUNE: Following three straight defeats by Cameroon, Germany and Saudi
Arabia, distraught Ireland boss Mick McCarthy flies home straight after
the
World Cup's first round. Impressed, the Scottish FA immediately offer
him
Craig Brown's old job... England's campaign ends in farce, all
23 players ruled out with food poisoning after Kieron Dyer persuades
them
to
visit a South Korean restaurant. "I heard there were some tasty old dogs
there," he sheepishly explains...
JULY: In the annual pre-season spending spree, Arsenal chairman David
Dein
raids Inter Milan for Ronaldo, Liverpool chairman David Moores raids
Real
Madrid for Roberto Carlos and Aston Villa chairman Doug Ellis raids
Burnley for some second-hand kit so he won't have to fork out for a new
set... Middlesbrough's manager returns to Old Trafford as Manchester
United's new boss after Sir Alex Ferguson is overheard saying he's
"looking
forward to spending a lot more time with McClaren". An
even-redder-faced-than-usual Fergie later admits what he'd actually
said was "I'm looking forward to spending a lot mare time wi' ma
claret"...
AUGUST: The new season begins with Liverpool kicking off in front of a
capacity crowd at Anfield, Manchester United kicking off in front of an
expectant Old Trafford and Leeds United kicking off in front of the
Majestyk
nightclub... The Queen Mother celebrates her 102nd birthday with
a telemessage from Bobby Robson...
SEPTEMBER: The hunt for Bin Laden appears over when the FBI arrests a
much-disliked bearded man who achieved infamy for wrecking the twin
towers.
Sadly, Ken Bates is later released without charge... Dennis Wise joins
Fulham, then refuses to play anywhere other than up front. This gives
the
Cottagers a forward line of Steve Marlet and Cockney Rebel...
OCTOBER: Just six weeks into the season, newly-promoted Manchester City
are
losing each game by an average score of 7-4. Shellshocked boss Kevin
Keegan
reveals he is considering tinkering with his revolutionary
0-0-10 formation or, as a compromise, asking Shaun Goater to play as a
rush-goalie... Ariel Sharon names Dwight Yorke as Israel's new defence
minister after his successful incursions into Jordan...
NOVEMBER: The Queen Mother dies and as a mark of respect, Chelsea
players
on
a drinking session lower their trousers to half-mast...Walter Smith
leaves
Everton, saying he needs more job security. He immediately becomes CEO
of a
leading internet company...
DECEMBER: As Christmas approaches, kindly Robbie Savage promises he'll
try
his best to make sure that everyone who tackles him gets a card - though
whether it turns out to be yellow or red will depend on how gullible the
referee is... A police report reveals a huge increase in drunk and
disorderly arrests at Upton Park. Glenn Roeder says West Ham will try to
hold their Xmas party elsewhere next year..
JANUARY: Actress Elizabeth Hurley tells a shocked world that the father
of
her unborn child is Ipswich Town's manager, and that the tot will be
given
the surname Hurley-Burley...Dance music magazine Mixmag reveals the
result
of their search for the person who has attended the greatest number of
different clubs in the past 12 months. The winner is Steve Bruce
FEBRUARY: Bolton's slide down the Premiership table is explained when it
is
discovered that opposing defenders have been taking Vitamin D tablets to
counteract the effects of Ricketts... Disappointing ticket sales for
the Spice Girls' reunion tour begin to soar when it is announced that,
in
tribute to her husband, Victoria Beckham will start the concert on the
bench.
MARCH: Paul Ince is arrested for leaving the scene of an accident after
Arsene Wenger catches the Middlesbrough captain crashing into his 2CV,
causing damage to the front bumper. However the case collapses when, in
court, Wenger admits: "I did not see the Incey dent"... The search for
Osama Bin Laden switches to Craven Cottage amid rumours that the
Al-Qaeda
leader is trying to make contact with the sinister Al-Fayeda network...
APRIL: Elizabeth Hurley gives birth to a baby daughter whose head is
covered
in ringlets. She is christened Curly Girly Hurley-Burley...In another
shock
example of footballers behaving badly, the man who adds up
the attendance figures at Anfield is assaulted by Liverpool stars. Says
proud Phil Thompson: "My lads are the best counter-attacking side in
football"...
MAY: Blaming Leicester's relegation on a musclebound striker who doesn't
score any goals, Dave Bassett finally sells Ade Akinbiyi. He immediately
pays 30m to take Emile Heskey back from Liverpool... Arsenal win the
title
but at least Teddy Sheringham and Les Ferdinand book Tottenham's
place in Europe. They'll be going on a cheese-tasting coach trip round
Belgium with Saga...
JUNE: Following three straight defeats by Cameroon, Germany and Saudi
Arabia, distraught Ireland boss Mick McCarthy flies home straight after
the
World Cup's first round. Impressed, the Scottish FA immediately offer
him
Craig Brown's old job... England's campaign ends in farce, all
23 players ruled out with food poisoning after Kieron Dyer persuades
them
to
visit a South Korean restaurant. "I heard there were some tasty old dogs
there," he sheepishly explains...
JULY: In the annual pre-season spending spree, Arsenal chairman David
Dein
raids Inter Milan for Ronaldo, Liverpool chairman David Moores raids
Real
Madrid for Roberto Carlos and Aston Villa chairman Doug Ellis raids
Burnley for some second-hand kit so he won't have to fork out for a new
set... Middlesbrough's manager returns to Old Trafford as Manchester
United's new boss after Sir Alex Ferguson is overheard saying he's
"looking
forward to spending a lot more time with McClaren". An
even-redder-faced-than-usual Fergie later admits what he'd actually
said was "I'm looking forward to spending a lot mare time wi' ma
claret"...
AUGUST: The new season begins with Liverpool kicking off in front of a
capacity crowd at Anfield, Manchester United kicking off in front of an
expectant Old Trafford and Leeds United kicking off in front of the
Majestyk
nightclub... The Queen Mother celebrates her 102nd birthday with
a telemessage from Bobby Robson...
SEPTEMBER: The hunt for Bin Laden appears over when the FBI arrests a
much-disliked bearded man who achieved infamy for wrecking the twin
towers.
Sadly, Ken Bates is later released without charge... Dennis Wise joins
Fulham, then refuses to play anywhere other than up front. This gives
the
Cottagers a forward line of Steve Marlet and Cockney Rebel...
OCTOBER: Just six weeks into the season, newly-promoted Manchester City
are
losing each game by an average score of 7-4. Shellshocked boss Kevin
Keegan
reveals he is considering tinkering with his revolutionary
0-0-10 formation or, as a compromise, asking Shaun Goater to play as a
rush-goalie... Ariel Sharon names Dwight Yorke as Israel's new defence
minister after his successful incursions into Jordan...
NOVEMBER: The Queen Mother dies and as a mark of respect, Chelsea
players
on
a drinking session lower their trousers to half-mast...Walter Smith
leaves
Everton, saying he needs more job security. He immediately becomes CEO
of a
leading internet company...
DECEMBER: As Christmas approaches, kindly Robbie Savage promises he'll
try
his best to make sure that everyone who tackles him gets a card - though
whether it turns out to be yellow or red will depend on how gullible the
referee is... A police report reveals a huge increase in drunk and
disorderly arrests at Upton Park. Glenn Roeder says West Ham will try to
hold their Xmas party elsewhere next year..
