Tuesday, 14 February 2012AN OPEN LETTER TO PIERS MORGAN
AN OPEN LETTER TO PIERS MORGAN
Dear Piers,
Whatever happened to you at that posh private school you went to? Were you bog flushed on multiple occasions? Locked in cupboards for hours on end? Was your teddy bear beheaded? Were you de-kecked in front of hundreds of people? Did you get forced to eat the ‘soggy biscuit’?
I ask these questions not because I care about your troubled childhood in the slightest, but because I wonder what is behind you growing in to a despicable, embarrassment of a man.
You genuinely make me cringe so hard that my testicles invert.
“Why?” I hear you ask as you check your Twitter for “top blokey banter” from Alan Sugar. Because you are quite literally the definition of an UtterTwunt.
There are a million and one reasons why you are the definition of an UtterTwunt. I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking them through. I will probably end up dead if I write too much.
I deliberately swerve you on TV. As soon as your face appears doing one of those god awful manufactured life stories programmes with some FameRat like Peter Andre where you just talk over them anyway and hardly let them answer, etc – the TV goes off.
But what I can’t avoid is your god awful tweeting, even though I don’t follow you, it keeps getting retweeted in to my timeline. To be honest, I did follow you one time, just so I could UNFOLLOW you immediately to see if it gave me any respite from this eternal hatred. It did, for about 10 seconds, then I hated you even more.
Annoyingly, I am a glutton for punishment, I see one of your tweets RT’d into my timeline and I just have to open it up and read it. And time after time, I see you doing one of three things:
1) Namedropping a massive celeb, like a desperate Z-lister would / RTing a “praise” tweet from an aforementioned massive celeb like a desperate Z-lister would.
2) Chatting shit about how great you are, how many followers you have, how many viewers your chat show has, how many countries it is broadcast to..etc.
3) Continuing to embarrass yourself by having “top blokey banter” with footballers that hate you / people that hate you / Alan Sugar who hates you etc.
What annoys me the most is that you are AWFUL at “banter”. Your comebacks are just so awful and cringe worthy, you act like a stuck up rich boy at private school, trying to defend himself from bog-flushing, de-kecking, cupboard locking and soggy biscuit eating. Hence my opening lines.
You are SO BAD that you make the likes of Rio Ferdinand, Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney look good. You make them look like they have won; which of course makes my blood boil so much that my ears whistle, as they are all absolute CuntKnuckles.
Stop correcting their spelling and grammar. They are footballers – they aren’t meant to be able to spell. Stop getting the red pen out and how’s about you actually lash a proper insult their way. Tell Rooney that he looks like he got his hair cut in St. Helens for a fiver. Tell him that you’ve upped the security at your Mum’s nursing home so he doesn’t go and back end her. And tell Rio that his top lip proper looks like a slug. In fact, tell him that his mouth actually looks like a badly packed kebab. Tell him that his Mrs has GOT a badly packed kebab. And as for the Welsh Midget, surely you can muster something up about curling out a shit that was bigger than his entire body or something? Or something about United extending his contract, by putting a piece of paper at the bottom saying “he’s shit” ?
Meanwhile, the thought of you broadcasting to millions of Americans in your newfound CNN fame makes me ill, purely because the WHOLE of America will think all English men are absolute bell ends. Simon Cowell and you are flying the flag. Good job I’m scouse and not English, isn’t it Piersy?
One other massive thing that infuriates the balls off me:
You called your three sons Spencer, Stanley and Albert. What kind of chance do they have of NOT BEING TWATS with names like that, and a Dad like you? And even more annoyingly, combined, they sound like an utterly thundercuntish estate agents, or investment firm ... “Good Morning, Spencer Stanley Albert, how may I help you?”
And one last thing, if, heaven forbid, I was an Arsenal fan, I’d get a petition going to get some kind of court order preventing you from associating yourself with the club.
Good day to you, you massive massive blert,
Jimmy Corkhill x
Jimmy Corkhill @MrJimmyCorkhill
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@MrJimmyCorkhill: AN OPEN LETTER TO PIERS MORGAN Everyone please send him the link, RT, thanks
Bit of knob himself but I had to laugh
at Morgan's predictions.