Geordie winger Laurent Robert says there is no reason why the St James’ Park side can’t win the Premiership this season. And who’s to doubt it… especially if any of these 10 things come to fruition?
1) The rest of the season takes place on Fantasy Island.
2) New rules state that everyone in the ground wearing one of their team’s replica shirts can take part in the match. Newcastle storm to the title, courtesy of a string of excellent home performances by their 50,000-strong side.
3) All the London clubs break away to join the Phoenix League, rendering their results – and Newcastle’s 28-game winless run in the capital – invalid.
4) The other title candidates fall by the wayside as Liverpool swap Robbie Fowler for Faustino Asprilla, Manchester United hire Kevin Keegan as special defensive coach and Peter Ridsdale is persuaded to share his views on Leeds United’s players and fans after a couple of drinks with Douglas Hall and Freddy Shepherd.
5) Following another rule change, all Alan Shearer goals from the penalty spot count for six goals. All Alan Shearer goals scored inside the six-yard box count for 10 goals. After these adjustments, Shearer finishes top Premiership scorer. With 24 goals.
6) Newcastle are awarded the title by royal decree after the Queen Mother announces that she’s now waited 74 years since United last won the title in 1927 and can’t keep it up much longer.
7) Instead of match footage, Newcastle are allowed to play Kieron Dyer’s holiday videos on their giant screens during matches, causing distraction and confusion among opponents.
8) Despite the PFA’s £175million peace deal, all other teams go on strike anyway on the grounds that there’s plenty good on the telly over Christmas.
9) In yet another rule change, it is announced that the number of points a team has amassed will from now on be multiplied by the age of their manager. Newcastle don’t win another game all season, but thanks to Bobby Robson’s advancing years have got the title all wrapped up by February.
10) Newcastle win the title on merit alone without any rule changes or skulduggery whatsoever, having had the best team all along. The traditional celebratory open-top bus parade around the city is preceded by a superb display of flying pigs, while in other news the Devil is reported to have ice-skated to work.
1) The rest of the season takes place on Fantasy Island.
2) New rules state that everyone in the ground wearing one of their team’s replica shirts can take part in the match. Newcastle storm to the title, courtesy of a string of excellent home performances by their 50,000-strong side.
3) All the London clubs break away to join the Phoenix League, rendering their results – and Newcastle’s 28-game winless run in the capital – invalid.
4) The other title candidates fall by the wayside as Liverpool swap Robbie Fowler for Faustino Asprilla, Manchester United hire Kevin Keegan as special defensive coach and Peter Ridsdale is persuaded to share his views on Leeds United’s players and fans after a couple of drinks with Douglas Hall and Freddy Shepherd.
5) Following another rule change, all Alan Shearer goals from the penalty spot count for six goals. All Alan Shearer goals scored inside the six-yard box count for 10 goals. After these adjustments, Shearer finishes top Premiership scorer. With 24 goals.
6) Newcastle are awarded the title by royal decree after the Queen Mother announces that she’s now waited 74 years since United last won the title in 1927 and can’t keep it up much longer.
7) Instead of match footage, Newcastle are allowed to play Kieron Dyer’s holiday videos on their giant screens during matches, causing distraction and confusion among opponents.
8) Despite the PFA’s £175million peace deal, all other teams go on strike anyway on the grounds that there’s plenty good on the telly over Christmas.
9) In yet another rule change, it is announced that the number of points a team has amassed will from now on be multiplied by the age of their manager. Newcastle don’t win another game all season, but thanks to Bobby Robson’s advancing years have got the title all wrapped up by February.
10) Newcastle win the title on merit alone without any rule changes or skulduggery whatsoever, having had the best team all along. The traditional celebratory open-top bus parade around the city is preceded by a superb display of flying pigs, while in other news the Devil is reported to have ice-skated to work.
